It's Not a Miscarriage: The Crushing Grief of Pregnancy Loss

Written By Carly Pollack

The silence around pregnancy loss can feel isolating and heavy. For something that touches so many lives, it's often whispered about and minimized.

The quiet can feel as heavy as the grief itself. It's a space where hearts ache, dreams are shattered, and yet, the world often continues as if nothing has profoundly changed.

If you've navigated this isolating terrain, know this: your grief is real, valid, and you are not alone.

And let's be honest, the word "miscarriage" feels like a disservice to the depth of this pain, a clinical term that fails to acknowledge the love and hope that were carried.

Please note: I am NOT talking about abortion or terminating a pregnancy on purpose. While this can carry its own pain, here we are talking about pregnancy loss that is unwanted, spontaneous, and not part of the plan.

Why "Miscarriage" Can Hurt

Think about the word "miscarriage." The "mis-" prefix often suggests a mistake, something done wrong. This can inadvertently lead individuals who have experienced pregnancy loss to question themselves, to wonder if their bodies failed them, or if they somehow caused the loss.

The truth is, the vast majority of early pregnancy losses are due to factors beyond our control, often genetic or chromosomal.

Your body isn't making a mistake; it's a natural, albeit heartbreaking, process.

The term "miscarriage" simply doesn't reflect this reality and can add an unfair layer of guilt to an already devastating experience.

The Heavy Burden of Beliefs

This problematic term can fuel many damaging beliefs.

  • A Sense of Failure: The feeling that one's body has failed at a fundamental level.

  • Unfounded Guilt: Ruminating on past actions, searching for a cause where there often isn't one.

  • Self-Blame: Holding oneself personally responsible for a loss that was likely unavoidable.

  • Isolation: Shame and the feeling of failure can make it harder to talk openly, leading to profound loneliness.

Society's Shortcomings in Supporting Grief

Our society often struggles to fully acknowledge and support the grief of pregnancy loss. The silence surrounding it can make individuals feel incredibly alone.

Well-meaning words can sometimes minimize the pain: "You can always try again," or "It just wasn't meant to be."

While perhaps intended to comfort, these phrases often invalidate the very real grief experienced.

Early pregnancy loss is often treated as a minor event.

There's often no formal recognition, no space for grief within workplaces or social circles. This lack of societal understanding compounds the pain, making individuals feel like their loss doesn't matter.

The hopes, dreams, and love that accompany a pregnancy are real from the start. Losing that potential is a significant loss that deserves to be honored.

EMDR Therapy: A Path Towards Healing

For many, the grief of pregnancy loss can be overwhelming and even traumatic. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be a powerful tool in processing this grief. E

MDR helps to reprocess distressing memories and emotions associated with the loss in a safe and controlled environment.

It can be particularly helpful in addressing:

  • Intrusive Thoughts and Memories: EMDR can help to reduce the intensity and frequency of upsetting thoughts and images related to the loss.

  • Emotional Distress: Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety can be processed and integrated in a healthier way.

  • Traumatic Aspects of the Loss: If the loss involved difficult medical procedures or unexpected events, EMDR can help to address the traumatic impact.

  • Feelings of Self-Blame and Failure: By reprocessing the experience, EMDR can help to challenge and reframe negative beliefs.

If you are struggling with the grief of pregnancy loss and finding it difficult to cope, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in EMDR. It can offer a supportive and effective path towards healing.

Gentle Steps Towards Healing (Beyond Therapy):

While therapy can be incredibly beneficial, there are also gentle steps you can take to support yourself through this grief.

  • Allow Yourself to Feel: Don't try to suppress your emotions. Let yourself cry, feel sad, angry, or whatever else comes up. Grief is a natural process.

  • Find Your Support System: Connect with trusted friends, family members, or support groups specifically for pregnancy loss. Sharing your experience with others who understand can be incredibly healing.

  • Acknowledge Your Loss: Find ways to acknowledge your baby and your loss. This might involve writing a letter, planting a tree, lighting a candle, or creating a small memorial.

  • Be Kind to Yourself: This is a time for gentleness and self-compassion. Allow yourself to rest, take breaks, and nourish your body and mind.

  • Engage in Self-Care: Find activities that bring you comfort and peace. This might include spending time in nature, listening to music, reading, or engaging in a gentle hobby.

  • Give Yourself Time: There is no timeline for grief. Allow yourself the time you need to heal, without feeling pressured to "move on."

  • Honor Your Feelings: Your feelings are valid, no matter how big or small they may seem to others. Don't let anyone minimize your experience.

  • Consider Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a helpful way to process your grief and track your healing journey.

The Power of Ritual and Remembrance

While grief is a deeply personal journey, finding ways to acknowledge and honor your loss can be a powerful step towards healing.

Engaging in rituals and creating tangible acts of remembrance can provide comfort, connection, and a way to keep the memory of your baby alive in your heart.

There is no right or wrong way to do this; it's about finding what feels meaningful and supportive for you.

Here are some ideas to consider:

Creating a Memory Box:

A memory box can serve as a tangible keepsake filled with items that represent your baby and your pregnancy.

This could include:

  • Photos: Any ultrasound pictures you may have.

  • Positive Pregnancy Tests: A physical reminder of the joy and hope you felt.

  • Items You Purchased: Clothes, toys, or nursery decorations you may have bought.

  • Cards and Notes: Any messages of congratulations or support you received.

  • Journal Entries: Your thoughts and feelings during your pregnancy.

  • Hospital Bracelet: If you were in the hospital, you might keep your bracelet.

Take your time to gather these items and create a special place to store them.

You can revisit this box whenever you feel the need to connect with your memories.

Planting a Tree or Flower:

Planting a living memorial can be a beautiful and enduring way to honor your baby. A tree or flower can symbolize the life that was, and watching it grow can bring a sense of peace and connection to nature's cycle.

You might choose a specific type of plant that has a special meaning for you or your baby. Consider planting it in a place where you can visit and reflect.

Lighting a Candle:

The simple act of lighting a candle can be a meaningful way to remember your baby.

You might choose to light a candle on significant dates, such as:

  • The Anniversary of Your Loss: A day to acknowledge and honor your grief.

  • The Baby's Due Date: A day that might hold particular emotional weight.

  • Holidays: Times when the absence of your baby might feel especially poignant.

As you light the candle, you can take a moment to reflect, say a prayer, or simply hold your baby in your thoughts.

Participating in Remembrance Ceremonies:

Many hospitals, support organizations, or communities host remembrance ceremonies for pregnancy and infant loss.

These events can provide a sense of community and validation as you gather with others who have experienced similar losses. It can be comforting to know you are not alone and to share in a collective act of remembrance.

You can often find information about these ceremonies online or through local support groups.

Other Ideas for Rituals and Remembrance:

  • Writing a Letter or Poem: Express your feelings, your hopes, and your love for your baby through writing. You can keep this private or share it if you feel comfortable.

  • Creating a Scrapbook or Photo Album: Compile photos, mementos, and journal entries into a special book that celebrates your pregnancy and acknowledges your loss.

  • Making a Donation: Consider making a donation in your baby's name to a charity that supports pregnancy loss research or bereaved parents.

  • Creating a Piece of Art: Engage in a creative activity like painting, drawing, or sculpting to express your grief and honor your baby.

  • Choosing a Special Song: Select a song that reminds you of your baby or that resonates with your feelings and listen to it when you need to feel connected.

Ultimately, the most meaningful rituals and acts of remembrance are those that come from your heart.

Allow yourself to explore different ideas and find what brings you comfort and helps you hold the memory of your baby.

These acts, however small, can be a powerful part of your healing journey.

How Family and Friends Can Offer Crucial Support

When someone you care about experiences pregnancy loss, it can be difficult to know how to help.

While partners, family, and friends also grieve the loss of the anticipated baby, your primary role in this time is to offer unwavering support to the person who was pregnant.

Here are some ways you can provide comfort and care:

For Partners:

  • Be Present and Listen

    Your loved one needs you now more than ever. Offer a listening ear without judgment or trying to fix things. Just being there to hold their hand, cry with them, or simply sit in silence can be incredibly comforting.

  • Validate Their Feelings

    Acknowledge that their grief is real and valid, no matter how early the loss occurred. Avoid minimizing their pain or offering platitudes. Phrases like "I'm so sorry this happened" or "It's okay to feel however you're feeling" can be powerful.

  • Offer Practical Support

    Take on household tasks, help with work responsibilities if possible, and offer to run errands. Practical help can alleviate some of the burden during this difficult time.

  • Be Patient

    Grief has no timeline. Allow your loved one to grieve at their own pace and in their own way. There will be good days and bad days.

  • Seek Information Together (If They Are Ready)

    Offer to research support groups or resources together if your loved one is open to it. This can help them feel less alone.

  • Take Care of Yourself, Too

    While your focus is on your partner, acknowledge your own sadness and allow yourself to feel it. Finding a separate outlet for your grief can help you better support your loved one.

For Other Family Members and Friends:

  • Reach Out and Offer Specific Help

    Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," offer concrete ways you can help, such as bringing over a meal, helping with childcare (if applicable), or offering to do yard work.

  • Listen Without Judgment

    Be a safe space for your loved one to share their feelings without offering unsolicited advice or comparisons to other experiences.

  • Acknowledge the Loss

    Don't shy away from mentioning the baby or the loss if your loved one brings it up. A simple "I'm so sorry for your loss" can mean a lot.

  • Respect Their Needs

    Understand that your loved one may need space and time to grieve. Don't pressure them to socialize or "get over it."

  • Remember Special Dates

    Be mindful of anniversaries or the baby's due date, as these times can be particularly difficult. A simple message or gesture can show you remember and care.

  • Take Care of Yourself

    It's natural to feel sad about the loss as well. However, ensure your primary focus is on supporting the grieving parents.

The most important thing you can offer is your unwavering love, support, and understanding.

By creating a safe and compassionate space, you can help your loved one navigate the difficult journey of grief after pregnancy loss.

Choosing Compassionate Language

Let's move away from the blaming term "miscarriage" and embrace more compassionate language.

Consider using terms like:

  • Pregnancy Loss

  • Spontaneous pregnancy loss

  • Early Pregnancy Loss

  • Loss of Our Baby

Using language that reflects the true nature of the experience can be a small but significant step in honoring the grief.

The grief of pregnancy loss is profound and real.

It deserves to be acknowledged, validated, and supported with compassion, understanding, and a language that honors the love and dreams that were carried, however briefly.

You are not alone in this experience, and healing is possible.

This blog post addresses the profound grief of pregnancy loss and critiques the term "miscarriage" for its implication of fault.

It emphasizes that early pregnancy losses are due to factors outside of anyone's control and highlights the damaging beliefs the term can instill, such as a sense of failure and self-blame.

The post discusses society's often inadequate support for those grieving pregnancy loss and introduces EMDR therapy as a helpful tool for processing this type of grief.

It also offers non-therapy-related tips for coping, such as allowing feelings, finding support, and practicing self-care.

Finally, the post advocates for using more compassionate and accurate language like "pregnancy loss" or "loss of our baby" to honor the significance of the experience.

In the journey through pregnancy loss, remember that your grief is valid, your experience is significant, and you are not alone.

By shifting away from the fault-laden term "miscarriage" and embracing language that honors your love and loss, we can begin to create a more compassionate and understanding space for healing.

Be gentle with yourself, seek the support you deserve, and know that even though your arms may feel empty, the love for your baby will forever remain in your heart.

RESOURCES:

Here are some known resources for helping through pregnancy loss.

Organizations & Websites:

Books:

  • "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" by Deborah L. Davis: A comprehensive guide for coping with grief after pregnancy loss.  

  • "The Worst Girl Gang Ever: The ultimate guide to recovery after miscarriage and baby loss with guidance from experts in mindfulness, grief, therapy and relationships" by Rachel Lewis.  

  • "Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss" by Lindsey M. Henke.

  • "All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss" by Kim Hooper.  

  • "The Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting" by Sunita Osborn.  

Important Note: This is not an exhaustive list, but these are some well-known and reputable resources. You can also search for local support groups in your area.

Carly Pollack https://carlypollacktherapy.com
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