Be Kind to Your Grief: Quick Read

If you've found yourself searching online for "when do I stop grieving?" or "how to cope with grief," you're likely feeling a deep ache and want that pain to end. It's completely understandable.

But what if the answer isn't about stopping or just coping? What if it's about shifting how you see your grief altogether?

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, I believe grief isn’t something you’re punished with. It’s not an illness or a battle. It’s not a foreign intruder you need to get rid of. Instead, grief is something that belongs to you. It is a part of you.

It has always been there in some form, and it will continue to be there, and that a good thing for us all.

Think of it this way: grief isn't a bad part, like a cancer. It’s more like a neutral part of you, like your arm or your liver. It's a piece of you that helps you function as a human. It’s not inherently good or bad; it’s just part of the whole.

What if grief is something we actually earn through our connections and love? What if it's more like a symbol, helping us navigate profound loss rather than minimizing its impact?

As a grief therapist, I see grief as something given to you to help you through incredibly difficult times. It doesn't make the experience worse; in its own way, it's there to make it better.

The challenge comes when we try to silence our grief or believe it’s this bad thing happening to us.

But from an IFS lens, grief is a good thing that happens with you, for you. It's your teammate, on your side, trying to communicate what's happening inside.

It’s helpful to remember that grief itself isn't an emotion. You can’t feel grief the way you feel sad, happy, or angry. Those are feelings that can be part of the grief response, but grief itself is the landscape where these feelings occur.

If I ask, "How are you feeling?" and you say, "I'm grieving," I would ask, "Ok, what feelings, sensations, beliefs are showing up as a part of that grief for you today?"

Often, when we pause, we notice more, a mix of feelings – maybe deep sadness alongside a quiet sense of acceptance. Maybe a bit of guilt and a bit of curiosity.

All feelings, the pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral, might be experienced within grief.

Think of grief as a magnifier. It tends to turn up the volume on what's already happening within you, often highlighting areas that need your attention and care in the face of profound loss.

This is different from psilocybin, which we call a “nonspecific amplifier.”

It's like grief shines a spotlight on your needs, trying to point you towards how you can better care for yourself.

Here's a closer look at each of those categories.

Emotional Magnification

Grief can amplify the intensity of all your feelings. If you were prone to sadness, grief might bring waves of profound despair.

If frustration was a familiar feeling, grief could dial it up to intense anger or irritability.

Surprisingly, even positive emotions might be magnified, perhaps moments of joy feeling incredibly poignant against the backdrop of loss.

This magnification isn't random; it often points to the depth of your connection with what you've lost and the intensity of your internal emotional processing.

Pay attention to which emotions feel most amplified – they might be the ones needing the most gentle care and acknowledgment.

Physical Magnification

The body and mind are deeply connected, and grief often manifests physically.

You might notice that minor physical discomforts become more pronounced. Perhaps that occasional tension headache becomes a daily throb, or mild fatigue turns into overwhelming exhaustion.

Grief can also bring about new physical symptoms like changes in appetite, sleep disturbances (either too much or too little), or those physical sensations we often talk about, like a heavy chest or a pit in your stomach.

These physical amplifications are your body’s way of telling you it's under stress and needs extra nourishment, rest, and gentle care.

Listen to these signals – your body is communicating its needs.

Spiritual Magnification

Loss can often trigger deep existential questioning. Grief might amplify your search for meaning, your beliefs about the afterlife, or your connection to something larger than yourself.

Questions like "Why?" or "What's the point?" might become louder and more insistent. You might find yourself drawn to spiritual practices or, conversely, questioning long-held beliefs.

This spiritual magnification highlights your need for connection to something meaningful, whether it's through faith, nature, community, or your own inner sense of purpose.

Social Magnification

Grief can significantly impact your social needs.

You might experience a heightened desire for connection and the comfort of loved ones, finding solace in shared memories and support.

On the other hand, you might feel an amplified need to withdraw, seeking solitude as you navigate your inner world. These shifts in social needs are your grief telling you what kind of external support feels most nurturing right now.

There’s no right or wrong way to feel socially; pay attention to what truly comforts and supports you.

Behavioral Magnification

Grief can lead to changes in your usual behaviors. You might notice yourself being more forgetful, easily distracted, or having difficulty concentrating – everyday tasks might feel more challenging.

Alternatively, you might find yourself engaging in repetitive behaviors or seeking out specific activities that bring comfort.

If you have children, you might observe changes in their behavior as well. These behavioral amplifications are often a sign that your usual coping mechanisms are strained and that you might need to adjust your routines, ask for help with tasks, or be extra patient with yourself and others.

Cognitive Magnification

Grief can significantly affect your cognitive functions. You might find yourself struggling with memory, decision-making, or focus.

It can be harder to concentrate on tasks or to follow conversations. You might also experience racing thoughts or a heightened sense of rumination. This cognitive magnification reflects the intense mental processing that occurs during grief.

Your brain is working hard to make sense of the loss and adjust to a new reality.

Be kind to yourself during this time and allow for moments of mental rest and reduced cognitive load.

Understanding is Kindness, Kindness Creates Change

Understanding how grief magnifies these different aspects of your experience can provide valuable insights into what you truly need to support your healing journey.

By paying attention to these amplified signals, you can learn to be a kinder and more attuned companion to your own grief.

So, instead of asking "When will I stop grieving?", maybe the question to consider is, "How can I be kinder to this part of me that is grieving?" From an IFS perspective, all parts of us have good intentions, even if their actions sometimes feel difficult.

Your grief is not an enemy to be defeated, but a part of you that has emerged in response to loss.

You've earned your grief after loss. It's the loss that caused the hurt, not the grief itself.

Grief is there to help you navigate this challenging terrain. Try approaching your grief with curiosity and compassion, listening to what it might be telling you about your needs.

It's a part of you, and with kindness, you can learn to walk alongside it.