The Unspoken Grief: Understanding Betrayal Trauma and Its Impact
“I found out about the affair, and now I’m lost, angry, and confused. I can’t seem to shake the sense of impending doom, and my memory is really foggy. Sometimes, I can’t even be around them, and sometimes it feels like things are “normal.” I don’t want to talk about it with my friends or family, I feel like I failed.”
If these words resonate, this post is for you.
Discovering an affair or infidelity is brutal, and it might even be a form of trauma.
When we are deeply betrayed, our world as we know it shatters and we transport into an unfamiliar universe we’d prefer to not be in.
What is Betrayal Trauma and how is it grief?
We usually associate grief with loss through death, but the world of loss is much more complex.
One of the most unsettling and often misunderstood forms of grief arises from the shattering experience of betrayal, particularly in the context of infidelity within a committed relationship.
This isn't just about a broken promise - it's about a fundamental rupture in trust, safety, and the very foundation upon which a life and shared identity have been built.
This is betrayal trauma, and understanding it as a form of deep grief is crucial for healing from an affair.
As a therapist specializing in grief and the complexities of betrayal, I've walked with clients in the unique pain and disorientation that follows the discovery of infidelity.
It's a grief that touches every aspect of a person's being - their brain, body, heart and soul.
While the immediate aftermath often involves shock, anger, and confusion, beneath these intense emotions lies a profound sense of loss that needs to be acknowledged and navigated with compassion and expertise.
When Trust Withers: The Landscape of Betrayal as Grief
At its core, grief is the natural response to loss. In the context of betrayal, the losses are significant and deeply personal.
Here are some of the places that grief and loss could show up during the discovery of an affair or betrayal:
The Loss of the Relationship as Known
The foundation of the relationship, built on presumed trust and commitment, is revealed to be different, perhaps even an illusion. This loss of the familiar and expected can be deeply disorienting.
The Loss of Security and Safety
A committed partnership ideally provides a sense of emotional safety and security. Infidelity shatters this, leaving the betrayed partner feeling vulnerable, exposed, and questioning their judgment.
The Loss of the Dreamed Future
Every relationship carries within it hopes and plans for the future – shared milestones, growing old together, and the life envisioned as a couple. Betrayal can obliterate this future, leading to grief for what might have been.
The Loss of Trust In Your Partner and Yourself
The immediate and most obvious loss is trust in the partner who betrayed the commitment. However, betrayal can also erode the betrayed partner's self-trust, as they question their perceptions, their ability to judge character, and even their own worthiness of love and fidelity.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a central theme in the healing journey.
The Loss of Identity within the Partnership
Our sense of self is often intertwined with our role and identity within a significant relationship.
Betrayal can lead to an identity crisis, as the betrayed partner grapples with who they were in a relationship that was not what they believed it to be.
How Betrayal Trauma Feels: A Whirlwind of Grief
The emotional experience of betrayal trauma is often intense, complex, and can feel like a relentless storm.
Understanding these feelings is a crucial step in acknowledging the depth of this grief.
You might experience:
Profound Sadness and Despair
This isn't just ordinary sadness - it's a deep ache that can permeate every aspect of life, often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and despair about the future.
Rage and Anger
Betrayal is a violation, and intense anger is a natural response. This anger can be directed at the partner, at oneself, or even at the situation as a whole.
Confusion and Disorientation
The discovery of infidelity can throw your entire reality into question. You might feel confused about what is real, what was a lie, and how to make sense of the situation.
Anxiety and Fear
The shattered sense of security often manifests as anxiety, which can range from mild worry to debilitating panic attacks. There may be fear of being alone, fear of future betrayal, or a general sense of unease.
Numbness and Detachment
As a way to cope with overwhelming pain, some individuals may experience emotional numbness or a sense of detachment from their feelings and the situation. You might notice your alcohol or drug consumption is up.
Guilt and Self-Blame
It's not uncommon for the betrayed partner to question their own role in the infidelity, leading to feelings of guilt and self-blame, even when the responsibility lies with the partner who broke the commitment.
Shame and Humiliation
The feeling of being betrayed can evoke intense feelings of shame and humiliation, making it difficult to talk about the experience or seek support.
It's important to know that if you're experiencing any or all of these feelings, you are not alone and you are COMPLETELY normal.
Betrayal is a deep wound, and these intense emotions are a natural response to such devistating hurt and loss.
Beneath the Surface: The Impact on Your Inner World
Betrayal trauma isn't just about surface-level emotions - it seriously impacts your inner psychological landscape.
Activation of the Trauma Response
Infidelity can be a deeply traumatic event, triggering the body's natural stress response. This can manifest as physical symptoms like increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, and hypervigilance.
Intrusive Thoughts and Flashbacks
You might find yourself constantly replaying the discovery or imagining details of the betrayal, leading to intrusive thoughts and even flashback-like experiences.
Negative Beliefs About Self and Relationships
Betrayal can reinforce or create negative beliefs about your worthiness of love, your ability to trust, and the safety of relationships in general.
Disrupted Attachment
Infidelity can severely disrupt attachment bonds, leading to feelings of insecurity, fear of abandonment, and difficulty forming or maintaining close relationships in the future.
Increased Self-Doubt
The experience of being deceived by someone you trusted deeply can erode your self-confidence and lead to questioning your own judgment and intuition.
Finding a Path Forward: EMDR as a Tool for Healing Betrayal Trauma Grief
Navigating the complex grief of betrayal trauma requires a compassionate and effective approach.
EMDR can help for betrayal trauma by directly addressing the painful memories, intense emotions, and negative beliefs that can keep you stuck in the cycle of pain.
EMDR is effective because it helps the brain process traumatic experiences in a new way, reducing their emotional charge and allowing for healthier integration of the event.
For betrayal trauma, this can involve processing the initial discovery, specific instances of deception, and the emotional fallout of the infidelity.
Through the structured eight-phase approach of EMDR, we can work on:
Desensitizing Traumatic Memories
By focusing on distressing memories related to the betrayal while engaging in bilateral stimulation (often eye movements), the emotional intensity of these memories can be significantly reduced.
Challenging Negative Cognitions
Betrayal often leads to or activates deeply ingrained negative beliefs about oneself ("I'm not good enough," "I can't trust anyone"). EMDR helps identify and reprocess these beliefs, replacing them with more adaptive and positive self-perceptions.
Processing Grief and Loss
EMDR can facilitate the mourning process for the loss of the relationship as it was, the future that was envisioned, and the shattered trust.
Promoting Emotional Regulation
As the traumatic memories and intense emotions are processed, individuals often experience a greater sense of emotional stability and an increased capacity to manage difficult feelings.
Facilitating the Rebuilding of Self-Trust and Resilience
By processing the trauma and challenging negative beliefs, EMDR can help you reconnect with your inner strength and rebuild trust in your own judgment and intuition.
While rebuilding trust in the relationship itself is a separate and complex process, healing the betrayal trauma is a crucial foundation.
In Conclusion and Moving Forward
Healing from betrayal trauma is a personal journey, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
Understanding the grief involved and utilizing powerful therapeutic tools like EMDR can provide a roadmap towards recovery.
You can reclaim your sense of self, rebuild trust (in yourself and potentially others), and ultimately find healing and peace after the devastation of betrayal.
If you are struggling with the aftermath of infidelity, please know that you don't have to go through it alone.
Reaching out for support dramatically improves your chance for a brighter future.
There is support available for those recovering from the discovery of an affair or infidelity.
If you’d like to explore therapy with me, book a free 15 minute phone consultation and we can discuss your situation and if therapy might be useful in your life.
