Healing from Betrayal Trauma with EMDR Therapy: After An Affair
Updated July 2025
So your spouse had an affair, and now you’re here.
Betrayal trauma from an affair can be one of the most devastating experiences. The pain and emotional turmoil can leave you feeling shattered, questioning your self-worth, and doubting the possibility of trusting anyone again.
After an affair or other significant betrayal trauma, we might find ourselves angry, embarrassed, sad, confused…honestly the list of emotions could go on and on here. We might be replaying conversations or moments or jumping to the future - trying lots of different ways to make the hurt stop.
If you're struggling with the aftermath of betrayal, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy might help you heal.
Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma occurs when someone you depend on for support and safety, such as a spouse or partner, violates your trust in a way that threatens your biological safety.
A long time ago, if you were betrayed by a trusted/loved one, your life became more vulnerable and it could even indicate imminent death.
This type of trauma is particularly challenging because it not only affects your emotional well-being but can also disrupt your sense of reality and your ability to trust others in the future.
We are biologically hard-wired to seek support and safety from others - it’s one way we navigate the world.
This betrayal trauma goes deep.
The Emotional Impact of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma, especially moments and months after discovering the betrayal, can trigger a wide range of intense emotions -
Anger: Feeling furious about the betrayal and the breach of trust.
Sadness: Mourning the loss of the relationship and the future you envisioned together.
Shame: Blaming yourself for the affair or feeling inadequate.
Fear: Worrying about being hurt again in future relationships.
Confusion: Struggling to make sense of the betrayal and its impact on your life.
These emotions can be overwhelming, making it difficult to connect to your life and what you know to be “normal.”
It is not recommended to make big decisions during this initial shock period.
How EMDR Therapy Can Help
EMDR is a structured therapy that helps people process and heal from traumatic experiences.
It involves focusing on a specific memory while experiencing bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones.
This process helps rewire the brain's response to the trauma, reducing the emotional intensity and promoting healing.
Additionally, EMDR helps solidify more adaptive, positive beliefs that work in the background of your life. These adaptive beliefs might be quieter or harder to notice, but I promise they are there.
The Benefits of EMDR for Betrayal Trauma
Processing Painful Memories
EMDR allows you to process the traumatic memories associated with the betrayal.
By revisiting these memories in a controlled and therapeutic setting, you can reduce their emotional charge and integrate them into your narrative in a healthier way.
Shifting Negative Beliefs
Betrayal can lead to negative beliefs about yourself, such as "I'm not good enough" or "I can't trust anyone." EMDR helps you identify and challenge these beliefs, replacing them with more positive and empowering ones.
Reducing Emotional Distress
The bilateral stimulation in EMDR helps calm the nervous system, reducing the intensity of emotions like anger, sadness, and fear.
This allows you to hold more and stay with emotional responses that previously felt too distressing.
Deepening Self-Compassion
EMDR can foster a greater sense of self-compassion and understanding.
As you process the trauma, you naturally learn to be kinder to yourself and recognize that the betrayal was not your fault.
Improving Future Relationships
By healing from betrayal trauma, you can build healthier relationships in the future.
EMDR helps you develop a more secure sense of self and a greater capacity to trust others.
What to Expect in EMDR Therapy
EMDR helps by changing how traumatic memories are stored in your brain, allowing you to move forward with greater peace and resilience.
EMDR therapy typically involves 8 distinct phases, often revisited and integrated throughout the healing process -
Phase 1: History-Taking and Treatment Planning
What it is: In this foundational phase, your therapist will gather a detailed history of your life experiences, current concerns, and the specific impact of the betrayal.
This helps them understand the full context of your trauma and collaborate with you to identify target memories for processing.
Betrayal Trauma Example: You might discuss the moment of discovery, the history of the relationship, past patterns of trust violation, and current struggles with sleep, intrusive thoughts, or overwhelming emotions since the affair. This phase ensures your EMDR journey is personalized to your unique experience.
Phase 2: Preparation
What it is: This phase focuses on building safety and resources. Your therapist will thoroughly explain the EMDR process, what to expect, and answer any questions.
You'll also learn and practice various calming and grounding techniques to help hold distress that might arise during processing.
Betrayal Trauma Example: You might learn somatic grounding, container, visualization of a "safe place," or other exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.
These tools empower you to feel in control and regulate your emotions, especially when discussing the raw pain of the affair.
Phase 3: Assessment
What it is: Here, you and your therapist pinpoint the specific "target memory" to be processed. For this memory, you'll identify a vivid image, a negative belief you hold about yourself related to it, the emotions it evokes, a positive belief you'd rather hold, and the body sensations associated with it. You'll also rate your current distress level (SUDs) and how true the positive belief feels (VOC).
Betrayal Trauma Example: The target memory might be the moment you found out about the affair. Your negative belief might be "I am not enough" or "I can't trust anyone." The positive belief might be "I am resilient" or "I can choose who to trust." You'd rate how disturbing that memory feels right now.
Phase 4: Desensitization
What it is: This is the most recognized part of EMDR. While focusing on your target memory and its associated negative aspects, you'll engage in bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements, but sometimes taps or tones).
This helps your brain reprocess the distressing memory, reducing its emotional intensity and allowing it to integrate in a healthier way.
Betrayal Trauma Example: As you follow your therapist's hand movements, focusing on the image of finding out about the affair, you might notice the intensity of the anger or shock lessen.
Thoughts or other related memories may surface and then dissipate, as your brain works to process the stored trauma.
Phase 5: Installation
What it is: Once the distress related to the target memory has significantly reduced, this phase focuses on strengthening the positive belief you identified in Phase 3.
Bilateral stimulation continues as you focus on this new, empowering belief, helping to "install" it so it feels truly valid.
Betrayal Trauma Example: After processing the raw pain, you'd focus on "I am worthy of love and respect" or "I am strong enough to heal."
The bilateral stimulation helps your brain truly integrate this new perspective, replacing the old, painful self-talk.
Phase 6: Body Scan
What it is: Even after a memory feels less disturbing, residual physical or psychic tension or discomfort can remain. In this phase, you'll scan your body from head to toe. If any lingering sensations related to the original memory are present, your therapist will use further bilateral stimulation to address them.
Betrayal Trauma Example: You might notice a lingering tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach.
Your therapist would continue the bilateral stimulation until these physical sensations also resolve, indicating a more complete processing of the trauma.
Phase 7: Closure
What it is: At the end of each session, your therapist ensures you feel stable, safe, and regulated.
If the processing of a target memory isn't fully complete, they'll guide you on how to contain any residual emotions and use coping strategies learned in Phase 2 between sessions.
Betrayal Trauma Example: Your therapist might remind you of your "safe place" visualization or grounding techniques.
You might discuss any thoughts or feelings that came up and how to manage them until your next session, making sure you leave feeling capable and secure enough.
Phase 8: Reevaluation
What it is: This phase typically occurs at the beginning of subsequent sessions. You and your therapist will reevaluate the progress made on previously processed memories, checking if distress remains low and if positive beliefs are still strong.
This determines if further processing is needed for old targets or if new targets should be addressed.
Betrayal Trauma Example: You might report that the memory of finding out about the affair still feels much calmer, and you truly believe "I am resilient."
This reevaluation guides your therapist in determining if you're ready to move on to processing other related memories or current triggers stemming from the betrayal.
Is EMDR Right for Me?
EMDR can be highly effective for betrayal trauma, but it may not be suitable for everyone.
Consider the following to determine if EMDR might be beneficial for you:
You experience intense emotional distress related to the betrayal.
You have intrusive thoughts or memories about the affair.
Certain triggers remind you of the betrayal, causing strong emotional reactions.
You struggle with negative beliefs about yourself or your ability to trust others.
You have difficulty moving forward and forming new, healthy relationships.
Addressing Common Concerns About EMDR Therapy
It's completely natural to have questions and concerns when considering a new form of therapy, especially one like EMDR that might sound a bit different from traditional talk therapy.
Your well-being is the most imporant, and understanding the process is a key part of feeling safe and ready to heal.
Here are some common worries about EMDR and how this powerful therapy - and my approach - addresses them:
Concern: "I'm worried about revisiting painful memories."
It's a very valid concern to fear reliving the intense pain of betrayal. No one wants to experience that agony again.
However, EMDR isn't about endlessly reliving trauma. Instead, it's designed to help your brain reprocess those memories in a way that significantly reduces their emotional charge.
Think of it like this: your brain already has the capacity to heal, but sometimes distressing memories get "stuck" in a raw state.
EMDR provides the conditions (with bilateral stimulation) for your brain to move those memories to a less distressing part of your memory network.
You're guided through the process, and we always start by building your grounding resources (Phase 2), ensuring you have tools to hold any discomfort and feel safe throughout the session.
The goal is to move from being overwhelmed by the memory to being able to recall it without the intense emotional pain.
Concern: "I'm concerned EMDR might unearth memories I'd rather not deal with."
This worry stems from a very human desire to avoid further pain.
While EMDR is highly effective at uncovering and processing related memories that contribute to your current distress, it's a therapist-guided process.
We don't just "dig randomly." We work collaboratively to identify specific "target memories" (Phase 3) that are causing you the most trouble.
If other memories surface during processing, your brain is doing its job of connecting the dots, but your therapist is always there to guide the process, ensure your safety, and help you integrate them.
The pre-work in Phase 2 (Preparation) is crucial here, as it equips you with strategies to manage anything unexpected that may arise, giving you a sense of control and safety throughout the journey.
The aim is to clear what's holding you back, not to surprise you with overwhelming, unmanageable content.
Concern: "The eye movement aspect of EMDR seems unusual."
You're right! The eye movements (or other forms of bilateral stimulation like alternating taps or music) are a unique and central part of EMDR.
While research is ongoing, the leading theory is that this bilateral stimulation helps to activate the brain's natural information processing system, similar to what happens during REM sleep.
This allows your brain to "digest" and "metabolize" distressing memories more effectively, reducing their emotional intensity.
It's not about being hypnotized or losing control - it's a physiological process that facilitates the brain's ability to heal itself.
Many clients find that this process allows them to work through painful experiences without needing to talk about them in extensive detail, which can be a relief when the trauma is too difficult to verbalize.
Concern: "I feel comfortable talking about my emotions in traditional therapy. Can EMDR be used alongside talk therapy, or is it an either/or option?"
This is a great question that gets to the heart of integrative therapy.
EMDR can absolutely be used alongside, or even integrated within, traditional talk therapy.
It's not necessarily an "either/or" choice. For many clients, the preparation phases of EMDR involve a lot of "talk therapy" elements, like history-taking, building trust, and developing coping skills.
Once processing begins, the bilateral stimulation takes over, but the insights gained often become rich material for further discussion and integration in your overall therapeutic journey.
Think of EMDR as a powerful tool within a broader therapeutic framework.
As a therapist, I believe in a holistic approach, and we can discuss how EMDR might fit into your existing comfort with verbal processing to enhance your healing.
Concern: "If EMDR isn't the best fit, what other therapy options could help me work through the emotional pain of the betrayal?"
It's always wise to explore options and ensure you find the right fit for your unique needs. While EMDR is highly effective for betrayal trauma, it's not the only path.
Other therapeutic approaches that can significantly help you work through the emotional pain of betrayal include:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps you identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors contributing to your distress.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Focuses on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and mindfulness, which are crucial for managing intense betrayal-related emotions.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): Explores different "parts" of your personality, helping you to understand and heal inner conflicts often exacerbated by trauma.
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): Aims to help individuals understand, experience, express, and transform their emotions related to their relationships.
As your therapist, my goal is to find the most effective path for you.
During our free, 15 minute consultation call, we can discuss your specific situation, preferences, and goals to determine the best therapeutic approach, whether it's EMDR, another modality, or a combination of a few.
Your healing journey is unique, and your therapy should be too.
Common Thoughts After Discovering an Affair
Discovering that your spouse has had an affair can be an incredibly traumatic and disorienting experience.
The betrayal can trigger a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that can be difficult to navigate.
Here are some common thoughts that you might have after uncovering an affair, along with ways EMDR therapy can help you process and heal from these painful realizations.
"Why wasn’t I enough?"
This thought can be one of the most damaging to your self-esteem. You might find yourself questioning your worth and wondering if you could have done something differently to prevent the affair.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR helps you challenge and reframe negative beliefs about yourself.
By processing the painful memory of discovering the affair, you can work towards recognizing that the affair was not a reflection of your value or worthiness.
"Will I ever be able to trust again?"
Trust is often severely damaged after an affair, leaving you feeling unsure if you can ever trust your spouse or anyone else in the future.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR can help you address and process the trauma associated with the betrayal, reducing the intensity of your fear and anxiety about trust.
Over time, this can help you rebuild your ability to trust others in a healthy way.
"What did I do to deserve this?"
It’s common to blame yourself for your spouse’s actions, thinking that you must have done something wrong to warrant the betrayal.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR helps you explore and understand the roots of these self-blaming thoughts, allowing you to see that the affair was a choice made by your spouse and not a result of your actions.
"How could they do this to me?"
The shock and disbelief that someone you love and trust could betray you can be overwhelming. This thought can make it difficult to process the reality of the situation.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR therapy provides a safe space to process the intense emotions and confusion.
By reprocessing the memory of discovering the affair, you can begin to make sense of what happened and start to heal.
"What will people think?"
Worrying about the judgment and opinions of others can add an extra layer of stress to an already painful situation. You might feel embarrassed or ashamed about the affair becoming public knowledge.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR helps you process these fears and anxieties, allowing you to focus on your own healing rather than the opinions of others.
This can empower you to prioritize your well-being over societal pressures.
"Can our relationship survive this?"
The uncertainty about the future of your relationship can be paralyzing. You might wonder if it’s possible to rebuild trust and move forward together.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR can help you and your spouse (if you both choose to engage in therapy) process the trauma of the affair and work towards rebuilding a foundation of trust and communication.
Even if you decide to part ways, EMDR can assist you in finding closure and moving forward in a healthy way.
"Why can’t I stop thinking about it?"
Intrusive thoughts about the affair can dominate your mind, making it difficult to concentrate on anything else.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR is designed to help reduce the intensity and frequency of intrusive thoughts.
By reprocessing the traumatic memory, you can lessen its hold on your mind and regain control over your thoughts and emotions.
"Am I destined for failed relationships?"
After experiencing such a profound betrayal, it’s natural to worry about the future and fear that you might face similar pain again.
How EMDR Can Help: EMDR helps you address and challenge these negative predictions about your future.
By building a healthier and more resilient sense of self, you can approach future relationships with greater confidence and optimism.
Moving Forward with EMDR
Healing from betrayal trauma is a journey, and EMDR can be a powerful tool to help you along the way.
If these thoughts resonate with you, know that you are not alone and that healing is possible.
EMDR therapy offers an effective, helpful way to process the trauma of an affair, allowing you to process negative beliefs, reduce emotional distress, and move forward with a sense of clarity and confidence.
Reach out to an experienced EMDR therapist and take real steps towards addressing the pain.
In Conclusion
Betrayal trauma from an affair can leave deep emotional scars, but you don't have to navigate this pain alone.
EMDR therapy offers a structured and effective approach to healing, helping you process the trauma, challenge negative beliefs, and move forward with a stronger sense of self.
I’d be honored to work with you through this pain. As an experienced grief and betrayal therapist, many of my clients are actively working through betrayal trauma with EMDR.
Curious? Book a free 15 minute consultation call with me:
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