Finding Support After Suicide: Traumatic Grief and Ideas to Help
You’ve joined a club you really don’t want to be in.
Someone you love has just died by suicide.
You might be in shock, you might not be reading this until months or years later, or you could be numbed out, confused, sad, relieved, guilty, angry, embarrassed, hopeless, or some combination of the many less pleasant feelings.
This fucking sucks, and I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling after losing someone you love to suicide.
And I say this from a place of knowing- my dad died by suicide in early 2023.
If you’re thinking about hurting or killing yourself, please dial 988 now.
As a trauma and grief therapist who has walked this path, I want you to know that you're not alone. Your feelings of confusion, sorrow, pain, and never-ending questions are completely valid.
The death of a loved can be a life-shattering event.
But when that loss comes through suicide, the layers of grief can feel even more upsetting.
Traumatic grief, a complex blend of intense sorrow and emotional shock, often takes hold.
In the aftermath, you may find yourself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions – shock so deep it feels like your world has stopped, disbelief that can leave you numb, guilt that weighs heavy on your chest, and anger that burns hot and confusing.
The grief is visceral, a raw ache that permeates every aspect of life, making it difficult to eat, sleep, or even breathe at times.
These emotional upheavals can manifest physically as well.
You might experience difficulty sleeping, a constant knot in your stomach, or a persistent tightness in your chest.
Intrusive thoughts and images related to the suicide might plague you, replaying the events over and over in your mind as you search for answers and understanding.
You’re trying to make meaning out of something that meaning cannot explain.
For me, the guilt of being on the phone with my dad the day he killed himself is deeply disturbing. How could I not know? I’m a therapist, for fucks sake. I evaluate people for suicide all. the. time. I should have done something, I should have saved him.
It's completely normal to feel lost, isolated, and overwhelmed by existential questions about life and death in the face of such a tremendous loss.
The Emotional Rollercoaster After Suicide
In the wake of losing someone to suicide, it's natural to feel as though you're riding an emotional rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns.
You may find yourself experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, from shock and disbelief to profound sadness, anger, and even moments of relief.
These feelings can come in unpredictable waves, sometimes overwhelming you when you least expect it. It's crucial to understand that this range of emotions is entirely normal and valid.
Shock
Shock may engulf you in the immediate aftermath, making it difficult to comprehend the reality of what has happened.
Anger
Anger may arise as you grapple with feelings of injustice and confusion.
Guilt
Guilt might weigh heavily on your shoulders as you question whether there was something more you could have done.
Sadness
Sadness may envelop you, leaving you feeling hollow and empty.
Relief/Confusion
And in the midst of it all, you may experience moments of unexpected relief, perhaps relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering.
It's essential to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment.
Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace.
Understand that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel and that healing is a gradual process.
The Grief Process
Grief is often depicted as a linear journey, with stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance neatly laid out in a specific order.
However, the reality is far more complex. Grief is messy and nonlinear, with stages that may overlap, recur, or even be experienced simultaneously.
You may find yourself cycling through these stages multiple times, in different order, maybe even in a minute or an hour. Sometimes, revisiting earlier stages even as you move forward.
Denial may initially shield you from the full weight of your loss, providing a temporary buffer from overwhelming emotions.
Anger may surface as you grapple with feelings of injustice and helplessness.
Bargaining might manifest as you replay scenarios in your mind, searching for ways to turn back time and rewrite history.
Depression may settle in as you confront the harsh reality of your loss, leaving you feeling numb and depleted. And eventually, acceptance may emerge as you begin to integrate the reality of your loved one's absence into your life.
Understanding the Complexity of Suicide
Suicide is not a simple or singular act but rather a complex issue with deep-rooted causes and contributing factors.
Mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and trauma, can play a significant role in suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Additionally, societal pressures, stigma, discrimination, and access to mental health care can all contribute to someone's decision to take their own life.
If you find yourself struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one to suicide, don't hesitate to seek professional help.
Suicide is a complex issue with many contributing factors.
Here's a breakdown of some reasons why it can be difficult to understand and prevent:
Mental Health: Suicide is often linked to underlying mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. These conditions can distort a person's perception of reality and make them feel hopeless.
Social Factors: Social isolation, lack of support systems, bullying, and exposure to violence can all increase suicide risk.
Substance Abuse: Substance abuse often co-occurs with mental health issues and can exacerbate feelings of hopelessness and self-destructiveness.
Trauma: Experiencing a traumatic event like child abuse, sexual assault, or the loss of a loved one can increase vulnerability to suicidal thoughts.
Impulsivity: Sudden life changes, relationship difficulties, or financial stress can lead to impulsive suicidal acts, especially in individuals already struggling with mental health challenges.
Access to Means: The accessibility of lethal means, such as firearms or medication, can increase the risk of suicide completion when a person is in crisis.
Communication Challenges: People contemplating suicide often struggle to communicate their feelings of despair and hopelessness.
This makes it difficult for loved ones to intervene effectively.
Stigma: The stigma surrounding mental health and suicide can prevent people from seeking help for fear of judgment.
The complexity of suicide goes beyond the individual.
Suicide has a devastating impact on families, friends, and communities. The grief and trauma can be long-lasting and complex.
Addressing Stigma and Shame
In the aftermath of losing someone to suicide, it's not uncommon to encounter stigma and shame surrounding the circumstances of the loss.
Society's misconceptions and judgments about suicide can compound the already overwhelming grief, leaving you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
It's crucial to challenge these stigma and shame and recognize that you are not alone in your experience.
Your feelings are valid, and you deserve compassion and understanding as you navigate through your grief journey. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment.
Surround yourself with supportive individuals, friends, family, maybe a therapist, who can offer empathy and validation, and seek out communities or support groups where you can connect with others who have experienced similar losses.
Keeping Their Light Alive: Ways to Honor After Suicide Loss
Losing someone to suicide leaves a profound emptiness. Honoring their memory can be a powerful tool for healing.
Creating memorials, participating in activities they enjoyed, or working to prevent future tragedies allows you to express your grief, maintain a connection, and reclaim a sense of meaning in the face of this devastating loss.
Honoring your loved one can also help challenge the stigma surrounding suicide and inspire positive change in your community.
Here are some ideas:
Creating a Lasting Tribute:
A Personalized Memorial: Designate a space or create an object that reflects your loved one's unique personality. Plant a tree, create a scrapbook of their adventures, or commission a piece of art in their honor. This personalized touch keeps their memory vibrant.
Celebrating Their Legacy: Organize a fundraiser or awareness event in their name. Supporting suicide prevention efforts is a powerful way to honor them while making a positive impact.
Finding Connection Through Shared Passions:
Echoing Their Joys: Did they have a favorite meal? A band they loved? Revisit these activities. Sharing experiences they cherished can spark warm memories and a sense of connection.
Carrying on Traditions: Did they participate in a sports team or volunteer for a cause? Continuing traditions they held dear is a way to keep their spirit alive.
Remember, the healing journey is yours alone. Choose ways to honor your loved one that feel authentic and comforting to you.
Every act of remembrance is a testament to the love and bond you shared.
If you would like to explore grief therapy after losing someone to suicide, please reach out and together we can make a plan.
Resources:American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP):Website: afsp.orgThe Compassionate Friends:Website: compassionatefriends.orgThe Dougy Center:Website: dougy.orgSurvivors of Suicide Loss (SOSL):Website: soslsd.orgAlliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors:Website: allianceofhope.orgGriefShare:Website: griefshare.orgThe National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:Website: suicidepreventionlifeline.org