Finding Support After Suicide: Traumatic Grief and Ideas to Help
You’ve joined a club you really don’t want to be in.
Someone you love has just died by suicide. You might be in shock, you might not be reading this until months or years later, or you could be numbed out, confused, sad, relieved, guilty, angry, embarrassed, hopeless, or some combination of the many less pleasant feelings.
This fucking sucks, and I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling after losing someone you love to suicide.
And I say this from a place of knowing—my dad died by suicide in early 2023.
If you’re thinking about hurting or killing yourself, please dial 988 now.
As a trauma and grief therapist who has walked this path, I want you to know that you're not alone. Your feelings of confusion, sorrow, pain, and never-ending questions are completely valid.
The death of a loved one can be a life-shattering event.
But when that loss comes through suicide, the layers of grief can feel even more upsetting.
Traumatic grief, a complex blend of intense sorrow and emotional shock, often takes hold. In the aftermath, you may find yourself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions—shock so deep it feels like your world has stopped, disbelief that can leave you numb, guilt that weighs heavy on your chest, and anger that burns hot and confusing.
The grief is visceral, a raw ache that permeates every aspect of life, making it difficult to eat, sleep, or even breathe at times.
These emotional upheavals can manifest physically as well. You might experience difficulty sleeping, a constant knot in your stomach, or a persistent tightness in your chest.
Intrusive thoughts and images related to the suicide might plague you, replaying the events over and over in your mind as you search for answers and understanding.
You’re trying to make meaning out of something that meaning cannot explain.
For me, the guilt of being on the phone with my dad the day he killed himself is deeply disturbing. How could I not know?
I’m a therapist, for fucks sake.
I evaluate people for suicide all. the. time. I should have done something, I should have saved him.
It's completely normal to feel lost, isolated, and overwhelmed by existential questions about life and death in the face of such a tremendous loss.
The Emotional Rollercoaster After Suicide
In the wake of losing someone to suicide, it's natural to feel as though you're riding an emotional rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns.
This is often called complicated grief or traumatic grief, and it’s a direct result of the trauma that came with the loss.
You may find yourself experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, from shock and disbelief to intense sadness, anger, and even moments of relief.
These feelings can come in unpredictable waves, sometimes overwhelming you when you least expect it.
It's crucial to understand that this range of emotions is entirely normal and valid. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Shock: Shock may engulf you in the immediate aftermath, making it difficult to comprehend the reality of what has happened. You may feel numb or detached, as if you are watching your life unfold from a distance. This is your brain's natural protective mechanism, a way of cushioning you from the full impact of the pain. It’s okay to feel this way.
Anger: Anger may arise as you grapple with feelings of injustice and confusion. You might be angry at the person who died for leaving you, angry at a system that failed them, or even angry at yourself. This anger is a sign of your love and your pain, and it’s a valid part of the process.
Guilt: Guilt might weigh heavily on your shoulders as you question whether there was something more you could have done. You may replay conversations in your mind, searching for clues you missed. This is an incredibly common feeling among survivors. The guilt can feel overwhelming, but it is a normal human response to a situation where you felt powerless.
Sadness: Sadness may envelop you, leaving you feeling hollow and empty. This is the heavy, aching feeling that can make it hard to get out of bed in the morning. It is a direct result of the deep love you have for the person you lost.
Relief/Confusion: And in the midst of it all, you may experience moments of unexpected relief, perhaps relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering. This feeling can be followed by a wave of shame or guilt. You may wonder, "How can I feel relieved?" This is a normal, though confusing, part of the emotional landscape of suicide grief. It's essential to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment.
Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Understand that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel and that healing is a gradual process.
The Grief Process: A Nonlinear Journey
Grief is often depicted as a linear journey, with stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance neatly laid out in a specific order.
However, the reality is far more complex.
Grief is messy and nonlinear, with stages that may overlap, recur, or even be experienced simultaneously.
You may find yourself cycling through these stages multiple times, in a different order, maybe even in a minute or an hour.
Sometimes, revisiting earlier stages even as you move forward.
Sometimes, all cycle thorough in the length of an hour, minute, or second.
Denial may initially shield you from the full weight of your loss, providing a temporary buffer from overwhelming emotions. You might find yourself forgetting for a moment that they are gone, only to have the painful reality crash back in.
Anger may surface as you grapple with feelings of injustice and helplessness. This anger can be a powerful force that helps you feel something other than pain.
Bargaining might manifest as you replay scenarios in your mind, searching for ways to turn back time and rewrite history. This is often where the "if only" statements come from.
Depression may settle in as you confront the harsh reality of your loss, leaving you feeling numb and depleted. This can feel like a heavy blanket you can't escape from.
And eventually, acceptance may emerge as you begin to integrate the reality of your loved one's absence into your life. This does not mean you are "over" the loss. It simply means you are finding a way to live with it.
The important thing to remember is that this is your journey, and there is no timeline for healing.
Understanding the Complexity of Suicide
Suicide is not a simple or singular act but rather a complex issue with deep-rooted causes and contributing factors.
It’s almost never one single thing that leads to a person's death by suicide.
The reasons are a complex combination of mental, social, and physical factors.
This is a crucial point to understand in the healing process. It helps to shift the burden of guilt from your shoulders to a more accurate understanding of the situation.
Mental Health: Suicide is often linked to underlying mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. These conditions can distort a person's perception of reality and make them feel hopeless. The pain they are experiencing is not something they can simply "get over."
Social Factors: Social isolation, lack of support systems, bullying, and exposure to violence can all increase suicide risk. Humans are social creatures, and when we feel disconnected from others, we are more vulnerable.
Substance Abuse: Substance abuse often co-occurs with mental health issues and can exacerbate feelings of hopelessness and self-destructiveness. It can be both a cause and a symptom of emotional pain.
Trauma: Experiencing a traumatic event like child abuse, sexual assault, or the loss of a loved one can increase vulnerability to suicidal thoughts. These past traumas can leave a person feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with new stressors.
Impulsivity: Sudden life changes, relationship difficulties, or financial stress can lead to impulsive suicidal acts, especially in individuals already struggling with mental health challenges.
Access to Means: The accessibility of lethal means, such as firearms or medication, can increase the risk of suicide completion when a person is in crisis. This is a cold and hard truth that highlights the importance of safe storage and access to resources.
Communication Challenges: People contemplating suicide often struggle to communicate their feelings of despair and hopelessness. They may feel like a burden to others or believe that no one can help them. This makes it difficult for loved ones to intervene effectively.
Stigma: The stigma surrounding mental health and suicide can prevent people from seeking help for fear of judgment. This stigma is a major barrier to getting help and is something we need to actively work to change.
The complexity of suicide goes beyond the individual. Suicide has a devastating impact on families, friends, and communities.
The grief and trauma can be long-lasting and complex.
Addressing Stigma and Shame
In the aftermath of losing someone to suicide, it's not uncommon to encounter stigma and shame surrounding the circumstances of the loss.
Society's misconceptions and judgments about suicide can compound the already overwhelming grief, leaving you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
You might hear people whisper or avoid the subject entirely. This silence can make the pain even more difficult to bear.
It's crucial to challenge these feelings of shame and recognize that you are not alone in your experience.
Your feelings are valid, and you deserve compassion and understanding as you navigate through your grief journey.
Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment.
Surround yourself with supportive individuals, friends, family, maybe a therapist, who can offer empathy and validation, and seek out communities or support groups where you can connect with others who have experienced similar losses.
I decided to address my dad’s suciide during my short reading at his funeral. I wanted to be open about what happened and not let shame spread.
Talking about suicide loss openly and honestly can be a powerful way to challenge the stigma.
It can help others to understand the reality of suicide grief and to offer a more compassionate response.
It is not your job to educate everyone, but it can be a source of strength and healing for you to share your story with those you trust.
Keeping Their Light Alive: Ways to Honor After Suicide Loss
Losing someone to suicide leaves a profound emptiness. But honoring their memory can be a powerful tool for healing.
It allows you to express your grief, maintain a connection, and reclaim a sense of meaning in the face of this devastating loss.
Honoring your loved one can also help challenge the stigma surrounding suicide and inspire positive change in your community.
Creating a Lasting Tribute:
A personalized memorial can be a beautiful way to honor your loved one. Designate a space or create an object that reflects their unique personality. Plant a tree in their honor, create a scrapbook of their adventures, or commission a piece of art in their honor.
This personalized touch keeps their memory vibrant. You can also organize a fundraiser or awareness event in their name. Supporting suicide prevention efforts is a powerful way to honor them while making a positive impact.
Finding Connection Through Shared Passions:
Did they have a favorite meal? A band they loved? Revisit these activities. Sharing experiences they cherished can spark warm memories and a sense of connection. You might also want to continue traditions they held dear, like a sports team or a volunteer cause. This is a way to keep their spirit alive and to feel a sense of continuity.
Remember, the healing journey is yours alone. Choose ways to honor your loved one that feel authentic and comforting to you. Every act of remembrance is a testament to the love and bond you shared.
The Role of a Therapist: A Guide Through the Pain
As a therapist who has experienced this kind of loss, I know firsthand the kind of pain you are in. I also know that there is a path through it.
My role as a therapist is not to "fix" you or to take the pain away. It is to be a compassionate guide and a safe space for you to land.
Understanding Your Traumatic Grief: We would work together to understand the specific trauma of your loss. We would talk about the intrusive thoughts, the nightmares, and the physical symptoms. We would create a plan to help you feel safe in your body again.
Processing Guilt and Shame: The guilt and shame that come with suicide loss are heavy burdens. In our work together, we would explore these feelings without judgment. We would work to reframe the narrative from one of blame to one of compassion and understanding.
Finding Your Way Forward: The goal of therapy is not to forget your loved one. It is to help you find a way to honor their memory while also reconnecting with your own life. We would explore what that looks like for you, at your own pace.
Key Takeaways
Grief after suicide is often a traumatic experience. It is normal to feel a combination of shock, guilt, anger, and profound sadness.
There is no linear path to healing. The stages of grief can overlap and recur. Be gentle with yourself and honor your own process.
Suicide is a complex issue. It is never one single thing that leads to a person's death by suicide. This understanding can help to alleviate feelings of guilt.
Stigma and shame are real. The silence and judgment from others can make the grieving process even harder. Finding a community of support is crucial.
A therapist can be a compassionate guide. I can help you process your traumatic grief, navigate the complex emotions, and find a way to honor your loved one while reconnecting with your life.
A Final Note and Loving Invitation
Losing someone you love to suicide is a pain unlike any other. It is a pain that can feel isolating and unending.
But please know this: You are not alone.
You are worthy of a life that is full of peace and joy, even in the wake of this tremendous loss.
Healing is possible, and it starts with taking one small step forward.
Resources:American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP):Website: afsp.orgThe Compassionate Friends:Website: compassionatefriends.orgThe Dougy Center:Website: dougy.orgSurvivors of Suicide Loss (SOSL):Website: soslsd.orgAlliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors:Website: allianceofhope.orgGriefShare:Website: griefshare.orgThe National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:Website: suicidepreventionlifeline.org