When Grief Gets Stuck: EMDR & Parts Work For Loss
Grief is not a problem to solve.
It’s not a linear process to complete.
It’s a natural, human response to losing someone or something that mattered a lot.
And us humans do. not. like. that. We like puzzles we can solve, items we can cross off, and stories that have a logical ending.
So many of us find that as time passes, something inside stays frozen.
The world moves on, life keeps asking, but a part of us is trapped in the moment that everything changed.
The phone call.
The hospital room.
The last conversation.
The image they can’t unsee.
The words that couldn’t be said.
This is what people are referring to when they talk about “complicated grief.”
Not that the love itself was complicated. Not that they are grieving wrong.
But that the nervous system never had the chance to process the shock, the helplessness, or the pain of the loss.
In my work as a therapist, I don’t think of complicated grief as a diagnosis, really, it’s more like a description of what happens when the brain and body get overwhelmed and parts of the system get stuck in time.
A part of you may still be living in the moment of impact, holding the emotions, beliefs, and sensations that were too much to fully integrate back then.
This is what nervous systems do when something matters deeply and the experience exceeds what can be processed in the moment.
Grief as Unfinished Processing in the Nervous System
When a loss is sudden, traumatic, layered with guilt, or intertwined with unresolved relationship dynamics, our nervous system will struggle to make sense of it.
If you lose someone to suicide, you’ve probably felt the confusing pain of stigmatized grief.
The brain’s natural information-processing system, which normally helps us digest experiences and file them away as “over,” can become overwhelmed.
Instead of the memory being stored as something that happened in the past, it remains activated in the present.
The body still reacts. The emotions still intensify. The beliefs still feel true.
From a parts-informed look, we might say that a more vulnerable part of you is still holding the experience.
A protector part may have stepped in to help you function, to get through the days, to take care of others, or to stay numb enough to survive.
Meanwhile, the part that felt the shock, the terror, the longing, or the devastation remains frozen in the moment of loss.
This is adaptation.
Grief becomes “stuck” not because you are failing to let go, but because a part of your system is still trying to make sense of something that was too big, too fast, or too painful to fully process at the time.
How Certain Moments Become “Target Memories”
When we think about grief, we might imagine the loss itself as the thing that needs to be processed.
In reality, the nervous system usually organizes around specific moments that carry the emotional charge.
In EMDR therapy, we call these target memories. They are the snapshots in time that hold the intensity:
The moment you found out.
The last time you saw them.
The look on someone’s face.
The sound of a doctor’s voice.
The instant you realized life would never be the same.
These memories are not just “in your head.”
They’re sensory details, emotions, and body sensations. A tight chest. A hollow stomach. A wave of heat or cold. A collapse in the shoulders.
The body remembers, even when the mind tries to move forward.
Often, it is not the relationship that feels unbearable. It is a specific scene, a specific feeling, a specific meaning that got locked in and never fully integrated.
From a parts lens, we might say that a part of you is still in that moment, still trying to understand what happened and what it means about you, about the world, and about the future.
Negative Cognitions as Survival Beliefs
In EMDR, we talk about negative cognitions, or negative core beliefs, that are linked to these target memories.
We can reframe these as survival beliefs—the conclusions your nervous system and parts made in order to make sense of an overwhelming experience.
In grief, these beliefs might sound like:
“I should have done more.”
“It’s my fault.”
“I failed them.”
“I’m not safe anymore.”
“People I love will always leave.”
“I don’t deserve to be okay.”
“If I let go of the pain, I’m betraying them.”
These are not logical distortions in the way we often think about cognitive errors.
They’re meaning-making attempts, completely normal human reactions.
A part is trying to create a coherent story out of loss, and often the story turns inward, toward responsibility, guilt, or global danger.
From a nervous system perspective, these beliefs are linked to the original state of helplessness, shock, or terror. The body learned something in that moment, and that learning has not yet been updated.
A younger part may still be holding the belief that it was responsible, that it should have prevented the loss, or that the world is now fundamentally unsafe.
Protector parts may organize around these beliefs, keeping you vigilant, numb, or self-critical in an effort to prevent future pain.
These are the residue of an overwhelmed system trying to survive.
How EMDR Helps the Brain and Body Finish Processing
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is one of the ways we can help the nervous system complete what was interrupted by trauma and loss.
EMDR is based on the understanding that the brain has a natural capacity to heal and integrate experiences. When something is too intense, this process can get blocked.
The memory remains stored in a raw, unprocessed form, along with the emotions, sensations, and beliefs that were present at the time.
Through bilateral stimulation—often using guided eye movements, tapping, or tones—EMDR helps the brain re-engage its natural processing system.
The memory can begin to move, to link with other adaptive information, and to be stored in a way that no longer feels like it is happening in the present.
From an IFS pov, EMDR can be understood as creating the conditions for frozen parts to come back into time.
The part of you that is still holding the moment of loss is given the support and safety it needs to finally process what happened, rather than staying locked in the original shock.
As the memory is reprocessed, the emotional intensity begins to decrease. The body sensations shift. And the beliefs that were formed in the moment—those negative cognitions—start to feel a little less certain.
Not because of forced positive thinking, but because your system is finally able to take in new information:
You survived.
You did the best you could with what you knew.
You were not in control of what happened.
You can carry love and still live.
These are what EMDR calls positive cognitions, but I think of them as earned truths.
They’re not “affirmations” or “toxic positivity” layered on top of pain. Neither me nor my clients buy that.
They’re truths, updated truths that your system can finally feel, not just understand intellectually.
As the nervous system begins to reprocess a target memory in EMDR, something important happens.
The part of you that has been holding the pain is no longer alone in it. New information becomes available.
The present-day you, the you who survived and is still here, can now be in relationship with that frozen moment.
In grief work, these might sound like:
“I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”
“I loved them deeply, and that love still exists.”
“I am allowed to live, even though they died.”
“I can carry this loss and still experience moments of peace.”
“What happened was not my fault.”
“I am still worthy of connection and joy.”
These are the beliefs that emerge when a younger, overwhelmed part finally receives the support, perspective, and safety it needed back then.
The protector parts that have been working so hard, through hypervigilance, self-criticism, emotional numbing, or over-functioning.
And they can begin to relax when they sense that the danger has passed and the system is no longer stuck in the moment of loss.
The Role of the Body in Grief and Reprocessing
Grief lives in the chest that feels heavy, in the throat that tightens when you try to speak their name, in the stomach that drops when a memory surfaces, in the fatigue that never quite makes sense.
One of the reasons EMDR can be so effective for grief is that it works with the body as well as the mind.
During reprocessing, we’re not just tracking thoughts and images. We’re noticing, listening to what the body is holding. Allowing what was once too much to finally move through.
In the later phases of EMDR, we do a body scan.
This is an intentional check-in from head to toe to see if any part of the memory is still living in the body.
A tightness in the chest.
A weight in the shoulders.
A knot in the stomach.
These sensations can belong to parts of the system that are still holding onto the experience.
With gentle bilateral stimulation, our body is given the chance to complete the stress response that was interrupted by shock or helplessness.
The system can finally settle.
Many people describe it as a sense of exhale, of grounding, of something finally “letting go” that they didn’t realize they were still carrying.
When Parts No Longer Have to Hold the Moment Alone
In parts-informed grief work, we understand that no part of you is trying to suffer on purpose.
The part that holds the pain is often the part that loved the most. The part that replays the memory is trying to prevent forgetting, prevent danger, or prevent future loss. The part that feels guilty is often trying to make sense of chaos by locating control.
When EMDR helps a memory reprocess, these parts are no longer trapped in the past.
They can orient to the present. They can receive compassion. They can feel that the adult you is here now, that the loss is over, even though the love remains.
This is where grief begins to change form. Not disappear, but soften. Not vanish, but make space for.
People might worry that healing means letting go of the person they lost. I know I’ve thought this at different times in my personal grief healing.
In reality, what softens is not the bond, but the trauma around the bond.
The nervous system no longer has to stay in the moment of impact in order to remember. Love can exist without the constant activation of shock, guilt, or despair.
From this place, it becomes possible to hold many truths at the same time:
The pain of the loss and the continuity of love.
The sadness and the gratitude.
The longing and the aliveness of the present.
Honoring Without Staying Frozen
One of the most conmon fears I hear in grief work is:
If I let this process, if I feel better, am I betraying them?
A protector part might believe that suffering is a form of loyalty, that staying in pain is a way of keeping the connection alive.
In EMDR and parts work, we gently explore this belief with great respect.
We do not try to take it away.
We listen to what it is protecting. We honor the love underneath it.
And as the system processes, something shifts organically.
The part begins to realize that memory does not require constant re-experiencing. That love does not require ongoing trauma.
That the relationship can live inside in a way that is warm and connected, rather than sharp and overwhelming.
The bond doesn’t go anywhere.
It changes shape. It becomes something that can be carried, lived with, rather than something that carries you.
Moving Forward Without Leaving Them Behind
Grief that has been processed doesn’t mean you stop missing or loving or even hurting. It means the missing is no longer fused with terror, guilt, or helplessness.
It means the memories can arise without flooding the system. It means the body no longer has to brace every time the past brushes up against the present.
From an EMDR perspective, this is what it looks like when target memories lose their charge and adaptive beliefs take root.
From a parts perspective, this is what it looks like when the younger parts of you finally come out of the moment of loss and into the present, where there is safety, support, and continuity of life.
You’re not erasing your story. You’re allowing it to be fully integrated.
A Gentle Closing
If your grief has felt stuck, intense, or unrelenting, you’re not doing it wrong.
It means your nervous system and your parts were overwhelmed by something that mattered so deeply.
And that’s the pain of being human. Our systems love, lose, and adapt the best they can.
EMDR therapy offers a way to help the brain and body complete what was interrupted, so that the parts of you still holding the moment of impact can finally rest.
Not by forgetting.
Not by forcing positivity.
By allowing the experience to be digested, integrated, and held with compassion.
Healing isn’t the absence of grief.
It’s the presence of space around it.
It’s the ability to breathe, to feel, to live again, while still carrying love.
And that, in itself, is a beautiful way of honoring those we have lost.
