EMDR Therapy: Negative and Positive Cognitions and How EMDR Can Help With Grief
Grief is a natural human response to loss.
It can manifest in a wave of emotions – sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even numbness.
While time and taking care can help heal the initial pain, some individuals find themselves struggling to move forward.
Unprocessed grief can linger, impacting daily life and relationships. This isn't a sign of weakness or a failing on your part. It is a normal reaction to an overwhelming experience. You do not have to carry this burden forever.
What is Complicated Grief?
Complicated grief is a condition where intense emotions and pain following a loss persist for months, significantly impacting daily life.
Unlike “regular” grief, which gradually lessens over time, complicated grief hinders the healing process and makes it difficult to live in the present for an extended period of time.
It can feel like being stuck in a cycle of pain that you can't escape. This is a very real experience that deserves a compassionate and targeted approach.
If you're experiencing complicated grief, where the intensity of emotions feels overwhelming or hinders your ability to function, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can be a powerful tool for healing.
Here are some signs that your grief might be complicated:
Intense and persistent sadness or emotional pain: This isn't just a wave of sadness. It's a deep, overwhelming sorrow that doesn't seem to fade.
Preoccupation with the person who died: You find yourself constantly thinking about the person you lost, to the point that it's hard to focus on anything else.
Feeling numb or disconnected from emotions: You may feel completely shut down, unable to experience joy or other emotions.
Avoiding reminders of the person or the loss: You might go to great lengths to avoid places, people, or activities that remind you of the person who died.
Difficulty accepting the reality of the death: You may struggle to believe that the person is truly gone.
Feeling a sense of hopelessness or despair about the future: The future may feel bleak and empty without your loved one.
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed: You may no longer find pleasure in hobbies or social activities.
Difficulty trusting others or forming new relationships: The loss may have shaken your sense of security and made it hard to connect with others.
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm: If you are experiencing these thoughts, it is important to seek immediate professional help.
If you're experiencing several of these symptoms for more than six months after a loss, it's important to seek professional help. You don't have to navigate this alone.
What Causes Complicated Grief
Complicated grief is a complex issue, and it can be triggered by a variety of factors.
These circumstances can make it harder for the natural grieving process to unfold.
Sudden or unexpected loss: The sudden death of a loved one, especially if it's accidental or violent, can be particularly destabilizing. Losing someone to suicide is an example. This type of loss often leaves a person with a feeling of shock and a lack of closure that can hinder the grieving process. There is no time to say goodbye or to prepare.
Unresolved emotional issues: Pre-existing conflicts or unresolved issues with the deceased can complicate grief. Guilt, anger, or a sense of unfinished business can make it difficult to let go and move forward. You might be struggling with a part of you that wishes you had said something different or acted in a different way.
Witnessing the death: Witnessing a traumatic death can be a significant stressor and contribute to complicated grief. The graphic memories and emotional distress can linger and complicate the grieving process. The visual and sensory memories can get stuck in the mind.
Loss of a child: The loss of a child is a particularly devastating experience. The natural order of life is disrupted, and parents may struggle to find meaning or purpose in the wake of such a loss. This type of loss can challenge a person's core beliefs about the world and their place in it.
Mental health conditions: Individuals with pre-existing mental health conditions like depression or anxiety may be more vulnerable to complicated grief. These conditions can exacerbate the emotional pain and make it harder to cope with loss.
Lack of social support: Grief is a social experience, and having a strong support system can be crucial for healing. However, some individuals may lack a strong social network or feel isolated in their grief, hindering their ability to process their emotions and move forward. When you feel alone in your grief, it can be even harder to bear.
Disenfranchised grief: This occurs when societal norms dictate how someone "should" grieve, and the way a person mourns doesn't fit those expectations. For example, losing a pet, a friend who wasn't a close relative, or a spouse in a non-traditional relationship can lead to disenfranchised grief. The lack of validation from others can complicate the grieving process.
It's important to remember that complicated grief is not a personal failing.
It's a normal human response to certain situations and circumstances.
If you're struggling with complicated grief, seeking professional help from a therapist can equip you with healthy coping mechanisms and help you navigate the path towards healing.
What is EMDR Therapy?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is a powerful intervention for healing from past traumas and emotional distress.
It helps you process disturbing memories and associated beliefs through bilateral stimulation techniques, like guided eye movements.
This can weaken the negative emotions tied to the memory and foster a more positive outlook, allowing you to move forward with greater emotional well-being.
EMDR works on the principle that the brain can naturally heal itself. When we experience a deeply distressing event, the brain's natural processing system can get overwhelmed. EMDR is believed to restart this natural process.
What Is A Target Memory in EMDR Therapy?
In EMDR therapy, a target memory refers to a specific memory, event, or experience that is believed to be contributing to a current emotional or psychological difficulty.
These memories often hold strong negative emotions and beliefs that can influence a person's thoughts, behaviors, and overall well-being.
When we work with grief, the target memory might not be the death itself but a memory that holds a lot of pain and keeps you stuck.
It could be a memory of the last conversation you had with your loved one, or the moment you found out they were gone.
Here are some key characteristics of a target memory in EMDR therapy:
Emotional Intensity: Target memories are typically associated with strong negative emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, fear, or shame. These are the feelings that surface when you think about the memory.
Repetitive Impact: These memories often resurface involuntarily and can significantly impact a person's present functioning. They might come in the form of flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.
Negative Beliefs: Target memories are often linked to negative beliefs about oneself, the world, or the future. These beliefs can be distorted and contribute to emotional distress. An example might be believing "I should have done more to save them."
Through a series of techniques, including guided eye movements or other bilateral stimulation, the therapist helps the client process the memory in a supportive and controlled environment.
The goal is to weaken the negative emotions and beliefs attached to the memory and develop more adaptive coping mechanisms.
Unraveling the Tangled Web: Negative Cognitions and Complicated Grief
Complicated grief can feel like being stuck in a web of negative emotions and thoughts. These persistent negative beliefs, often rooted in the traumatic experience of loss, act as tangled threads that trap you in the past.
EMDR therapy helps untangle this web by targeting these negative cognitions associated with the memories of your loss. EMDR helps you take a step back from the tangled threads and find a new perspective.
Let's explore how negative and positive cognitions (aka negative and positive beliefs) play a role in the healing process.
Negative and Positive Cognitions in EMDR Therapy
In EMDR therapy, negative and positive cognitions are core beliefs associated with a specific memory or experience being targeted. These beliefs play a significant role in how you perceive and respond to the memory and the emotions it triggers.
Negative Cognitions (sometimes called adaptive beliefs):
These are the unhelpful and often distorted beliefs you hold about yourself, the world, and the future stemming from the targeted memory. They can be self-deprecating ("I'm worthless"), blameful ("It's all my fault"), hopeless ("There's no point in anything anymore"), or negative views of the world ("The world is a completely dangerous place").
For grief, these might be "I am responsible for their death" or "I am a bad person for not seeing the signs." Identifying these negative cognitions is crucial because they contribute to the emotional distress associated with the memory.
Positive Cognitions:
These are the healthier and more empowering beliefs you want to develop in place of the negative ones. They are more realistic and adaptive, offering a more balanced perspective on the situation. Positive cognitions can be statements about your self-worth ("I am worthy of love and happiness"), your ability to cope ("I can get through this"), or a more positive outlook on the world ("There is good in the world").
For grief, a positive cognition might be "I did the best I could" or "I can still find joy in my life." The goal of EMDR therapy is to weaken the negative cognitions and strengthen the positive ones, leading to a more balanced emotional response to the memory.
The 8 Phases of EMDR for Grief
EMDR is not a one-and-done process. It follows a structured, eight-phase approach. The process is collaborative and is designed to move at a pace that is comfortable for you.
Phase 1: History and Treatment Planning:
This is where we get to know each other. I'll listen to your story and we'll talk about your grief. We'll identify the key memories or feelings that are keeping you stuck. This is a time of trust-building and laying the groundwork for our work together.
Phase 2: Preparation:
Your well-being is the most important thing. Before we start processing any memories, we'll spend time building your emotional toolbox. We'll practice grounding exercises and visualizations that you can use to calm yourself if you feel overwhelmed. We won't move forward until you feel ready and equipped with these resources.
Phase 3: Assessment:
We will identify a specific memory to work on. This is where we will identify the negative belief, the emotions, and the physical sensations associated with the memory. We'll choose a positive belief that you want to hold instead.
Phase 4: Desensitization:
This is the core of EMDR. While you focus on the memory, I'll guide you through bilateral stimulation. This helps your brain process the memory and release the emotional intensity. You will simply notice what comes up for you. This part of the process continues until the memory no longer holds a negative charge.
Phase 5: Installation:
Once the emotional charge is gone, we'll install the positive belief we chose in Phase 3. We'll use bilateral stimulation to help your brain fully accept and integrate this new, more empowering belief.
Phase 6: Body Scan:
Your body holds onto trauma and grief. In this phase, we'll do a mental scan of your body from head to toe. If any lingering physical sensations or tension remain, we'll use bilateral stimulation to help your body release it.
Phase 7: Closure:
At the end of a session, we'll make sure you feel centered and calm. We'll use your coping skills to help you feel grounded before you leave. I'll also talk with you about what you might experience between sessions.
Phase 8: Reevaluation:
At the beginning of each new session, we'll revisit the memory we worked on. We'll check in to make sure the emotional intensity is still gone and that the positive belief is still in place.
This helps us ensure that the healing is lasting and that we are addressing all aspects of your grief.
The Role of the Body in EMDR and Grief
The grief you feel is not just in your mind. It lives in your body as well. You might feel a heaviness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a general sense of fatigue. These are physical symptoms of your body holding onto the pain of your loss.
The beauty of EMDR is that it addresses both the mind and the body. By using bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps your body release the physical tension and emotional distress that has been stored.
This is why a body scan is a key part of the process. It's a way of checking in with your body and making sure that the healing is complete on a physical level as well as a mental one.
Key Takeaways
Complicated grief is a real condition. It's not a personal failing and is a valid reason to seek professional help.
EMDR works on "stuck" memories. It helps the brain reprocess difficult memories related to your loss so they no longer cause intense distress.
It's about changing beliefs. EMDR helps weaken negative cognitions about yourself and the world and replace them with more positive, empowering ones.
The process is gentle and supportive. EMDR follows a structured, eight-phase approach to ensure you feel equipped and grounded throughout the healing journey.
You can honor your loved one and still heal. The goal of EMDR isn't to forget your loved one, but to allow you to hold their memory without being consumed by the pain.
Finding Hope with EMDR Therapy for Grief
Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey. While time and self-care can offer solace, some individuals find themselves entangled in complicated grief.
This intense and persistent emotional state can feel overwhelming and isolating.
But there is hope.
EMDR therapy offers a powerful tool for processing the underlying emotional pain and negative beliefs associated with your loss.
By targeting specific memories and replacing limiting beliefs with more empowering ones, EMDR can help you untangle the web of grief and move forward with a renewed sense of peace and acceptance.
Please, please remember, you are not alone in your grief. If you're struggling, seeking professional help from a therapist trained in EMDR can equip you with the tools and support you need to navigate the path towards healing.
Taking that first step can empower you to honor your loved one's memory while embracing the possibility of joy and fulfillment in the chapters to come.
Together, we can create a plan that helps you honor your loss while reconnecting with your world.
Sometimes, the only thing we have left to remember our loved one is our grief, and EMDR therapy can help us keep the connection to our loved one and plug back into our life.
