Why We Can’t “Just Have Fun!” After an Affair (And How to Get Fun Back)
The ground beneath you opened up into a fiery pit when you learn of the affair.
In that moment, you might feel a suffocating, debilitating mix of betrayal, anger, disbelief, and pain.
Your normal curiosity feels like a dangerous indulgence that might uncover even more pain.
When your world has been rocked by infidelity, your brain naturally goes into protection mode.
Every fiber of your being is geared towards survival, not exploration, fascination, or fun.
This is a normal, human response to a relational trauma.
But what if regaining a sense of curiosity—first for yourself, then for your situation—is actually a quiet, powerful step toward healing and rebuilding confidence?
Let's explore why curiosity and fun vanishes after betrayal, and how therapeutic approaches like IFS, EMDR, and Brainspotting can gently help you reclaim it.
The Crushing Weight of Betrayal: Why Curiosity Vanishes
An affair doesn't just break trust; it often shatters your sense of reality.
The person you thought you knew, the relationship you believed you had, the future you envisioned, all called into question.
This creates danger that actively suppress curiosity.
Your nervous system is on high alert. When you're in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze, there's no bandwidth for open-ended questions or gentle exploration.
Your brain's priority is immediate safety, not fun and openness
Safety becomes the priority.
When safety is compromised, your system clamps down. Curiosity, by its nature, involves vulnerability and stepping into the unknown. When the unknown has just delivered a devastating blow, your protective parts shut down any urge to wonder or explore. It feels too risky.
Betrayal makes you question everything you thought you knew. "Was anything real?" "Was I naive?" This erosion of trust in your own perception makes it incredibly hard to ask, "What else is true?" because you fear the answers will only confirm your deepest fears or expose more pain.
Your confidence in your own judgment takes a massive hit.
After an affair, we might feel hyper-vigilant, scanning for any further threats.
That protective function leaves no room for open curiosity. Instead, it demands certainty and control, even if those are impossible to achieve.
Overwhelm can hit. Because processing the initial shock, grief, anger, and sadness is exhausting. Your emotional well-being feels fragile.
Curiosity requires mental and emotional energy, and after betrayal, you simply don't have much to spare.
The Freeze Response: Why Fun and Openness Vanish After an Affair
Beyond the vanishing of curiosity, many rocked by infidelity describe a distinct and painful inability to experience fun, joy, or genuine openness.
The spontaneity or silliness that once defined them seems to have evaporated, replaced by a dull ache, a heavy numbness, or a constant internal guard.
This isn't a failing on your part. It's often a manifestation of the freeze response, a deeply wired survival mechanism activated by extreme emotional threat.
When your sense of safety is utterly shattered by betrayal, your nervous system can become overwhelmed, locking you into a state of immobilization.
While fight and flight are about active defense, freeze is about playing dead, hoping the danger will pass.
In this state, your system conserves all available energy for protection, and the capacity for higher-level functions, like creativity, playfulness, spontaneous engagement, and authentic joy, is severely diminished.
What does this state look and feel like?
You might find yourself:
Unable to laugh freely: Even at something genuinely funny, the laughter feels forced, hollow, or simply doesn't come from a place of lightness.
Feeling numb or detached: Activities that once brought you immense pleasure now feel flat, uninteresting, or even impossible to genuinely engage with.
Socially withdrawn: The energy required to be "on" or engage in lighthearted banter feels utterly exhausting, leading you to isolate from friends and social events.
Experiencing anhedonia: A pervasive loss of interest or pleasure in nearly all activities, a common and disheartening symptom when the nervous system is chronically dysregulated.
Like a shadow of your former self: You deeply miss the person you used to be – lighthearted, spontaneous, able to truly enjoy life's simple pleasures without a heavy cloud.
Your system is so utterly preoccupied with perceived danger, constantly scanning for further threats, that it literally cannot afford the vulnerability required for true joy.
Fun and openness demand a level of emotional safety, an ease of being, that feels utterly alien when you're still bracing for impact.
This isn't a choice you're consciously making - it's a deep, physiological protective measure.
Understanding this helps you extend compassion to yourself, realizing that your current inability to be "fun" or openly joyful is a testament to the magnitude of what your system has endured.
The path back to these feelings often begins with gently re-activating curiosity, as it requires less vulnerability than full-blown joy, but starts to thaw the frozen parts within.
When "Just Have Fun" Feels Like a Cruel Joke
After an affair, a betraying partner might, with good intentions or perhaps out of their own discomfort, suggest,
"Let's just go out and have fun like we used to!" or "Can't we just try to be normal?"
For the betrayed partner, this can feel like a devastating and impossible request, even a cruel joke.
Here's why: genuine fun and spontaneity require safety.
They need a relaxed nervous system, a foundational sense of trust, and the freedom to be vulnerable and open.
After betrayal, these very foundations are shattered.
Your system is in survival mode, wired for vigilance and bracing for the next blow. The mere idea of letting down your guard to "have fun" triggers a deeper sense of unsafety and vulnerability.
It's akin to asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon – the body and mind are simply not capable of it in that state.
The absence of fun isn't about being stubborn or unwilling - it's a testament to the immense trauma the nervous system is still processing.
Joy can only be accessed when a baseline of felt safety and trust begins to re-establish. It cannot be forced by an expectation.
Curiosity in Action: What it Looks and Feels Like
To understand what you're reclaiming, it helps to visualize and feel curiosity's presence.
When it's not blocked by trauma, curiosity is a natural state of openness and wonder, both internally and in our connections with others.
When You're Curious with Yourself (Internal Curiosity)
This is often where the journey back begins.
It's the gentle turning inward, without judgment, to understand your own landscape.
What it Looks Like (Actions):
Pausing before reacting to a strong emotion, asking, "What is this feeling trying to tell me?"
Journaling freely without a clear agenda, letting thoughts flow onto the page.
Noticing a physical sensation in your body and simply wondering, "What is this sensation doing? What does it need?"
Exploring new ideas or perspectives, even if they challenge your current beliefs, just for the sake of learning.
Observing your own patterns or habits with a non-judgmental "Hmm, interesting..."
What it Feels Like (Somatic Sensations & Inner State):
A sense of openness or spaciousness in your chest or mind.
A feeling of lightness or ease, rather than heaviness or tension.
A quiet wonder, like observing a fascinating piece of art.
An absence of immediate judgment or the need to fix anything; just presence.
A subtle feeling of expansion, as if your inner world is growing.
When You're Curious in Relationship (External Curiosity)
This is about genuinely seeking to understand another person's unique experience, especially after trust has been broken.
It's not interrogation, it’s connection.
What it Looks Like (Actions):
Asking open-ended questions like, "Tell me more about that. What was that experience truly like for you?"
Actively listening, letting go of your own agenda or assumptions, and focusing entirely on their words and non-verbal cues.
Reflecting back what you've heard to confirm understanding: "So, what I'm hearing is... is that right?"
Observing shifts in their tone, body language, or facial expressions, and gently wondering aloud: "I noticed you just paused there. What was going on for you in that moment?"
Approaching differences of opinion with, "Help me understand your perspective. How did you come to see it that way?"
What it Feels Like (Somatic Sensations & Inner State):
A sense of connection and genuine empathy flowing between you and the other person.
A feeling of safety in the interaction, as walls begin to lower.
A mutual understanding that deepens intimacy.
An expansion of your own perspective as you take in theirs.
A gentle flow in the conversation, rather than a rigid exchange.
Curiosity as a Bridge: Rebuilding Connection After an Affair
While reclaiming internal curiosity is a vital first step in your personal healing journey, for SOME, the after of an affair includes the process of reconciliation.
Here, curiosity transforms into a powerful bridge, offering a fragile but essential way to begin rebuilding connection – not by forgetting the past, but by understanding it in new ways.
Again, curiosity isn't about interrogation, a demand for every detail, or reopening old wounds for accusatory purposes.
Instead, it's about a mutual, brave willingness to ask, from a place of genuine desire to understand:
"What happened for us, beyond the surface event, that contributed to this crisis?"
"What pain or unmet needs were present for both of us before, during, and after the affair?"
"What did this experience truly mean for you, and how has it changed your inner world?"
"What will it take for you (and for me) to feel safe enough to rebuild something new?"
For the betrayed partner, this can mean a courageous curiosity about their partner's internal landscape and choices that led to the affair.
This could help to comprehend the context and patterns, which can sometimes reduce the overwhelming sense of randomness or personal blame.
For the partner who betrayed, it means cultivating a deep, sustained curiosity about the immense pain they caused, the shattering impact on their partner's reality, and what it genuinely means to earn back trust, moment by moment.
This shared curiosity helps to:
Decipher patterns
Moving beyond individual blame to understand the relational dynamics that contributed to the crisis.
Re-establish empathy
Opening a path for both partners to witness and truly acknowledge each other's hurt and experience.
Co-create safety
As difficult questions are asked and answered with vulnerability and transparency, small pockets of felt safety can begin to emerge, piece by painful piece, rebuilding a foundation.
Build a new narrative
A story not of erasing the past, but of courageously integrating it into a future built on deeper understanding, intentional choice, and a revitalized commitment to shared well-being.
This is a slow, iterative process, AND IT'S NOT FOR EVERY SITUATION.
Rekindling the Spark: How Therapy Can Help
The good news is that while challenging, it is possible to gently bring curiosity back.
We’re not excusing betrayal or rushing to forgive.
It's about empowering you to regain agency over your inner world and rebuild your sense of safety, so you can make clear, confident choices moving forward.
Therapeutic modalities like IFS, EMDR, and Brainspotting are incredibly effective in this process.
1. Internal Family Systems (IFS): Befriending Your Inner Protectors
IFS offers a way to understand why curiosity feels impossible. It teaches us that the parts of you that are rigid, fearful, or angry after an affair are actually Protector Parts.
They've stepped up, doing their best to shield you from more pain.
Understanding the "Why": In IFS, you learn to connect with these protective parts from your core Self (that place of calm, curiosity, compassion, and courage). You might discover your "Angry Part" is trying to protect a vulnerable "Betrayed Part" from feeling weak, or your "Shut Down Part" is trying to prevent further overwhelm.
Creating Inner Safety: As you approach these protectors with compassion, they can begin to relax. When they feel seen and understood by your Self, they no longer need to work so hard to keep you "safe" by shutting down all curiosity.
Unburdening the Pain: IFS helps you gently access and unburden the pain carried by "Exiled Parts"—the younger parts that hold the core wounds of betrayal, abandonment, or unworthiness. As these deeper pains are processed, the need for extreme protection (which squashes curiosity) lessens.
By engaging with IFS, your Jealous Part, which might be hyper-vigilant and fearful of loss, can be acknowledged. When it feels heard and understood by your Self, its protective energy can shift from fear-driven surveillance to a healthy, discerning awareness that helps you choose secure connections.
This newfound inner harmony naturally allows for a trickle of confidence and curiosity to return.
2. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Reprocessing the Trauma
Affairs often leave behind traumatic imprints—visceral memories, intrusive thoughts, and intense emotional flashbacks.
These unprocessed traumatic memories keep your nervous system stuck in a loop of hyper-vigilance and fear, making curiosity feel out of reach.
Targeting Traumatic Memories: EMDR uses bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) to help your brain reprocess distressing memories. This desensitizes the emotional charge of the betrayal, allowing the memories to be stored in a way that no longer triggers an automatic survival response.
Reducing Reactivity: As the trauma is processed, your nervous system can downregulate. This means you move out of a constant state of fight/flight/freeze. When you's no longer bracing for impact, you have more emotional bandwidth.
Creating Space for Curiosity: With reduced emotional intensity and a calmer nervous system, the fear associated with asking questions or exploring uncomfortable truths lessens. You gain the capacity to approach thoughts about the affair, your partner, or your future with a more regulated, and thus more curious, stance. This calm directly contributes to confidence in your ability to navigate difficult truths.
3. Brainspotting: Deep Access to Core Healing
Brainspotting is a powerful, focused therapeutic tool that helps you locate, process, and release sources of trauma and emotional distress held in the brain and body.
Like EMDR, it taps into the brain's natural healing capabilities but often provides very deep and precise access.
Direct Access to Deep Wounds: Brainspotting uses specific "brainspots" (eye positions) that correlate with activated subcortical brain areas where trauma is stored. This allows for direct processing of the deep-seated pain and betrayal that affairs inflict.
Releasing Somatic Holds: The body holds the score of trauma. Brainspotting effectively releases the physical tension, tightness, and unpleasant sensations associated with the betrayal, which often manifest as anxiety or a "pit in the stomach."
Building New Resources: Beyond processing the pain, Brainspotting helps you identify and "install" new neural pathways for internal resources like calm, strength, and resilience. This directly builds your capacity to feel safe and confident even when contemplating difficult truths. When you feel internally resourced, curiosity becomes less threatening and more accessible.
Rekindling Your Curiosity: A Gentle Invitation
Bringing curiosity back after an affair isn't about forgetting or excusing.
It's about regaining your internal freedom and power.
Start Small and Safe (Internal): Begin with internal curiosity. "What does this sadness feel like in my body?" "What does my anger need me to know?"
With Professional Support: Working with a therapist trained in IFS, EMDR, or Brainspotting provides a safe container to explore these deep wounds and guide your system toward healing.
One Question at a Time: Don't pressure yourself to understand everything at once. Allow yourself to wonder about small things, whether it's about yourself, the relationship, or your path forward.
Cultivating and loving your curiosity is a powerful step toward reclaiming confidence and moving toward clear, beautiful, and truly expansive love (whether that's within your current relationship or within yourself).
Healing from betrayal is a journey. If you’d like support, I’m honored to work beside you. Book a free 15 minute consultation call with me to talk about therapy and if I might be a good fit.
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