How to Help a Grieving Loved One and What NOT to Say: Quick Read
Grief, the emotional response to loss, is a powerful and universal experience.
When someone we care about is hurting, the natural instinct is to want to comfort them. But navigating the complexities of grief can be tricky.
What words offer solace, and which ones unintentionally wound?
This post will equip you with the knowledge and empathy to truly support a grieving loved one.
Understanding Grief: A Journey, Not a Destination
First, let's move past the misconception that grief has a set timeline or a single, linear path. Grief is a journey with unique twists and turns for each person.
It can manifest in a myriad of emotions – sadness, anger, guilt, even numbness.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and the intensity and duration can vary greatly. Patience and acceptance are crucial.
Be Present: The Power of Simply Being There
Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is simply be present.
Here are some therapist-approved ways to approach a grieving loved one:
Acknowledge the Loss: Don't shy away from mentioning the deceased. Use their name and encourage your loved one to share stories and memories.
Check Yourself: Are you uncomfortable when people emote strongly? Is sadness a feeling you can’t sit with yourself? When we are uncomfortable, we often shift into “doing” mode, which isn’t always helpful. Notice your own responses and try to ride the wave of discomfort to be with your loved one.
Listen Actively: Lend a compassionate ear, without judgment or interruption. Validate their feelings with phrases like "I understand this is a difficult time."
Offer Physical Comfort: A hug, a hand to hold, or a gentle touch can communicate volumes.
Words Matter: What to Say (and What Not to Say)
What to Say:
Words of Empathy: "This fucking sucks. I am so sorry”," "I'm here for you," "What can I do to help right now?"
Sharing Memories: "They were a wonderful person," "I remember when..." (followed by a positive anecdote).
Offering Practical Help: "What meal would you prefer X or X?” "What is on your to-do list this week? Let me take X" "I’m here to talk, listen, laugh, cry, whatever."
What NOT to Say:
Minimizing the Loss: "Don't be sad," "They're in a better place now," "At least you had them for X years."
These phrases can invalidate their feelings and make them feel unheard.
Comparing Grief: “X lost X and was fine in 6 months!" “I know how you feel," (unless you've experienced a similar loss).
Everyone grieves differently.
Unsolicited Advice: Avoid offering platitudes like "Time heals all wounds." “Make a relationship with god and you’ll get through this,” “Don’t XYZ”
Grief is a process, not a wound to be healed.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Practical Ways to Support
Offer Practical Help: Cook a meal, help with errands, take care of their children or pets. These gestures alleviate stress and allow them time to grieve.
Respect Their Boundaries: Don't be intrusive. Sometimes, they might need space. Respect their need for alone time, while still letting them know you're available.
Be Patient with Setbacks: Grief can come in waves. Don't be discouraged if they seem to regress after making progress.
Encourage Self-Care: Grief can take a toll on physical and mental health. Encourage them to eat healthy, get enough sleep, and seek professional help if needed.
Supporting Grieving Children
Children grieve differently than adults.
Here are some tips for supporting them:
Be Honest and Age-Appropriate: Explain death in simple terms, tailored to their age and understanding.
Create a Safe Space for Expression: Encourage them to ask questions and express their emotions freely.
Maintain Routines: Provide a sense of normalcy by sticking to familiar routines as much as possible.
Involve Them in Memorialization: Allow them to participate in creating memories of the deceased, through photos, keepsakes, or rituals.
Grief Support Groups: A Source of Strength
Grief support groups connect individuals with others who understand the unique challenges of loss.
These groups can be a source of comfort, validation, and shared experiences. Encourage your loved one to consider joining a support group.
Remember, You Can't Fix It, But You Can Be There
It's important to remember that grief isn't a problem to be solved. It's a process to be acknowledged and supported. Your role is to be a compassionate companion, not a fixer.
This journey of grief can be challenging, but by offering your presence, empathy, and practical help, you can make a significant difference in your loved one's life.
Don’t put all of the pressure to help your grieving loved one feel better onto your own shoulders. Grief can be held in community, despite American ultra-individualism.
The most important takeaway here is: approach your grieving loved one with the courage and humility that you will not take away their pain, but you can be a source of support as they move around and through their grief.
Additional Resources for Supporting Grieving Loved Ones:
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.samhsa.gov/resource/dbhis/nami-national-alliance-mental-illness
The Compassionate Friends
https://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief
As an expert grief therapist, I am honored to work with folks anywhere in their grieving process. Using an individualized blend of EMDR, somatic, IFS, and trauma-processing therapies, I help adults integrate their grief in a way that honors their loss. Curious about therapy?