Navigating the Storm: Healing Through Pregnancy Loss with EMDR Therapy
Updated July 2025
Please note: trigger warning - unwanted loss of pregnancy
This post talks about unwanted pregnancy loss. If you are looking for posts about grief after abortion, you can find them here <3
A Moment to Ground Yourself:
This post discusses sensitive topics related to pregnancy loss and trauma. If at any point you feel overwhelmed or triggered, please pause and try this quick grounding exercise:
Feel Your Feet. Press your feet into the floor. Notice the solid ground beneath them. Feel the weight of your body, supported. Wiggle your toes inside your shoes, or feel the texture of the floor if barefoot.
Take a slow, deep breath, allowing your exhale to ground you further. When you feel a little more present, you can choose to continue reading…
Unwanted pregnancy loss
is a heartbreak that defies explanation- a grief cloaked in silence.
The statistic is stark- 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Yet, despite its commonality, this devastating experience remains a topic shrouded in misunderstanding and quiet suffering.
The emotional toll is immense, leaving you feeling invisible, isolated, and deeply hurt by a hollowness that feels impossible to fill. It's a crashing wave of complex emotions- a devastating mix of sadness, anger, guilt, fear, and an aching emptiness.
But here's the truth- you are not alone. The grief carried by pregnancy loss deserves acknowledgement, understanding, and a dedicated path to healing.
While the path to healing is deeply personal- some find solace in support groups, others in creative outlets- many discover that traditional talk therapy, while helpful, can sometimes leave them feeling stuck, revisiting the pain without fully integrating it or finding a way forward.
This is precisely EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can offer a uniquely powerful tool for emotional healing.
Grief and Trauma After Loss
The feelings that wash over you after an unwanted pregnancy loss are vast and complex.
This is not a linear journey, unfortunately, it's a swirling mix that can feel overwhelming and disorienting.
You might encounter:
Deep Sadness and Despair
This is often the most immediate and lingering emotion- a heavy ache for the child you envisioned, the future you planned, and the dreams that were suddenly taken away.
It can feel like a constant companion, a dull throb or a sharp, sudden pang.
Intense Anger and Resentment
You might feel furious at your body for "failing" you, at fate for being so cruel, at medical professionals if you felt unheard, or even at loved ones who don't seem to understand the depth of your pain.
This anger is a valid response to the injustice and powerlessness you may feel.
Overwhelming Guilt and Self-Blame
The "what ifs" can become a relentless loop in your mind. You might question everything you did or didn't do, searching for a reason, even though the loss was almost certainly beyond your control.
This self-blame can lead to intense shame, making it difficult to share your experience.
Gnawing Fear and Anxiety
The future can feel terrifyingly uncertain. You might be scared of getting pregnant again, terrified of another loss, or anxious about your body's ability to carry a pregnancy to term.
This fear can extend to other areas of your life, making you feel unsafe in the world.
Crippling Isolation and Loneliness
Despite how common pregnancy loss is, it remains a topic shrouded in silence. This can leave you feeling incredibly alone, as if no one truly understands the depth of your grief.
You might withdraw from friends or family, feeling misunderstood or judged.
Aches of Emptiness and Numbness
An emotional and sometimes physical void can linger after the loss. You might feel a physical ache in your womb, or an emotional hollowness where your dreams and hopes resided.
Sometimes, the pain is so intense that your system goes numb as a protective mechanism.
Confusion and Disorientation
Your world has been turned upside down.
You might struggle to make sense of what happened, feeling disoriented in your own life and unsure of who you are now that this significant event has occurred.
Jealousy and Resentment
Seeing other pregnant people or new parents can trigger intense jealousy and resentment.
These feelings, while painful, are a normal part of grieving what you've lost.
Anxiety and Depression
The constant emotional turmoil can lead to clinical anxiety, characterized by persistent worry and restlessness, or depression, marked by persistent sadness, loss of interest, and fatigue.
Grief vs. Trauma: Understanding the Difference and Their Intertwined Nature
To truly heal, it's important to understand two distinct, yet often overlapping, experiences at play after pregnancy loss- grief and trauma.
Grief is the natural, human response to loss. It's the emotional, physical, cognitive, and spiritual process of mourning what was, what could have been, and the future dreams that are no longer.
Grief is a process of adaptation- learning to live with the absence of someone or something deeply loved. It involves sadness, longing, memory, and eventually, integration of the loss into your life story.
Grief is not a mental illness- it's a healthy, though painful, response to profound change.
Trauma, on the other hand, occurs when your brain's natural processing system is overwhelmed by a deeply distressing or frightening event.
When an event is traumatic, the memories can become "stuck" or improperly stored in the brain.
This can lead to symptoms like:
Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks- Reliving the moment of loss or discovery.
Hypervigilance- Feeling constantly on edge, easily startled.
Avoidance- Trying to avoid anything that reminds you of the loss.
Nervous system dysregulation- Feeling constantly anxious or numb.
Negative beliefs- Holding onto self-blaming thoughts like "I am broken" or "It's my fault."
How Grief and Trauma Intertwine After Pregnancy Loss
Pregnancy loss, especially unwanted pregnancy loss, is unique because it almost always involves both grief and trauma.
The Grief Component
You are grieving the loss of your baby, the loss of your hopes and dreams for that future, the loss of your identity as a parent (in that specific way), and the loss of the pregnancy experience itself. This is the natural, aching sadness.
The Trauma Component
The event of the loss can be deeply traumatic.
This might include:
The shock of diagnosis.
The physical pain and medical procedures.
Feeling a loss of control over your body.
Witnessing distressing scenes.
Feeling dismissed or unheard by medical staff.
The suddenness and unexpected nature of the loss.
Feeling unsafe in your own body afterward.
When grief and trauma are intertwined, traditional grief counseling may help with the emotional mourning, but it might not fully address the "stuck" traumatic memories that continue to trigger intense distress.
This is why EMDR can be so transformative- it specifically targets the unprocessed traumatic aspects, allowing the natural grief process to unfold more freely.
The Silence, Shame, and Suicide Risk After Loss
The pervasive silence surrounding pregnancy loss actively harms those who grieve.
When society doesn't acknowledge a loss, it can lead to what we call "disenfranchised grief," where your pain isn't validated, leaving you feeling isolated and alone in your suffering.
This silence often feeds into a dangerous emotion- shame. Many individuals internalize the loss, believing it was somehow their fault, that their body "failed," or that they are "broken."
This self-blame, often unspoken, can fester into deep shame. Shame thrives in secrecy- it makes you pull away, hide your pain, and believe you are unworthy of comfort or support.
The very word "miscarriage" itself can contribute to this, implying a fault or an "unsuccessful" outcome, rather than acknowledging a natural- albeit devastating- biological event.
When grief is unacknowledged, and shame is internalized, coupled with the immense emotional and physical toll of pregnancy loss, the risk for severe mental health challenges increases. It's a stark and painful truth that suicidal ideation can be a very real concern for those grieving pregnancy loss.
The overwhelming sadness, the feeling of utter hopelessness, the isolation, and the intense guilt can lead to thoughts of ending the pain. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing these thoughts, please know that you are not alone, and help is available immediately. Your life is precious, and your pain is valid.
Please reach out.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- Call or text 988 (in the US and Canada)
Crisis Text Line- Text HOME to 741741
Postpartum After Pregnancy Loss: A Unique Layer of Complexity
Even without a live baby to bring home, your body still undergoes significant postpartum changes after a pregnancy loss.
Hormones fluctuate wildly, your body may experience physical recovery from delivery or medical procedures, and you might even experience breast milk coming in.
This biological reality can create disturbance and deeply painful disconnect with the emotional void of not having your baby.
This physical postpartum experience, combined with the emotional grief and potential trauma, adds another complex layer to your healing.
It's a cruel reminder of what was lost, and it can intensify feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion.
Acknowledging and understanding these physical changes as part of your overall recovery is crucial for holistic healing.
The EMDR Journey: 8 Phases of Healing
EMDR therapy follows a structured 8-phase approach, providing a roadmap for healing your grief and trauma. Each phase plays a crucial role in processing the traumatic impact of pregnancy loss- allowing you to move through your pain with greater ease and integration.
Phase 1- History-Taking and Treatment Planning
What it is- In this foundational phase, your therapist will gather a detailed history of your life experiences, current concerns, and the specific impact of the pregnancy loss.
This includes understanding the circumstances of the loss, your emotional state at the time, and how it continues to affect your daily life.
This helps your therapist understand your unique experience and collaborate with you to identify specific memories or "targets" for processing.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- This phase allows you to share your story in a safe, non-judgmental space. It helps to map out the specific moments of the loss that feel most "stuck"- whether it's the ultrasound where you received the news, the physical experience of the loss, or a difficult conversation with a loved one. By identifying these specific targets, we can create a clear path for healing.
Phase 2- Preparation
What it is- This is a crucial phase focused on building your inner resources and coping skills. Your therapist will thoroughly explain the EMDR process, what to expect, and answer any questions.
You'll also learn and practice various calming and grounding techniques- like deep breathing, visualization of a "safe place," or identifying positive support systems- to manage any distress that might arise during processing.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- Grieving pregnancy loss can bring intense, overwhelming emotions. This phase equips you with concrete tools to regulate your nervous system and feel more in control. For example, creating a mental "safe place" where you can retreat during moments of distress can be invaluable when processing the raw pain of loss. These resources ensure you feel empowered and secure throughout the therapy.
Phase 3- Assessment
What it is- Here, you and your therapist pinpoint the specific "target memory" to be processed. For this memory, you'll identify a vivid image that represents the worst part, a negative belief you hold about yourself related to it, the emotions it evokes, a positive belief you'd rather hold, and any body sensations associated with it.
You'll also rate your current distress level (SUDs) and how true the positive belief feels (VOC).
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- A target might be the image of an empty nursery, the sound of a doctor's words, or the physical sensation of emptiness. Your negative belief might be "My body failed me" or "I am not a mother." The positive belief could be "I am resilient" or "I did everything I could." This focused assessment allows us to precisely target the core of the unprocessed trauma.
Phase 4- Desensitization
What it is- This is often the most recognized part of EMDR. While focusing on your target memory and its associated negative aspects, you'll engage in bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements, but sometimes alternating taps or tones).
This helps your brain reprocess the distressing memory, reducing its emotional intensity and allowing it to integrate in a healthier way.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- As you engage in bilateral stimulation, focusing on the target memory of your loss, you might notice the overwhelming sadness, anger, or guilt lessen. Thoughts or other related memories may surface and then dissipate. This process helps to "unstick" the trauma, allowing the raw pain to transform into a more manageable memory.
Phase 5- Installation
What it is- Once the distress related to the target memory has significantly reduced, this phase focuses on strengthening the positive belief you identified in Phase 3.
Bilateral stimulation continues as you focus on this new, empowering belief, helping to "install" it so it feels truly valid within your experience.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- After processing the raw pain of "My body failed me," you'd focus on "My body is strong and capable" or "I am a loving parent." The bilateral stimulation helps your brain truly integrate this new perspective, replacing the old, painful self-talk with a more compassionate and accurate understanding of yourself.
Phase 6- Body Scan
What it is- Even after emotional processing, residual physical tension or discomfort can remain. In this phase, you'll mentally scan your body from head to toe.
If any lingering sensations related to the original memory are present, your therapist will use further bilateral stimulation to clear them.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- Grief and trauma are often held in the body. You might notice a lingering ache in your womb, tightness in your chest, or tension in your shoulders. This phase ensures that the physical manifestations of your grief and trauma are also addressed, leading to a more complete release and a greater sense of bodily peace.
Phase 7- Closure
What it is- At the end of each session, your therapist ensures you feel stable, safe, and regulated. If the processing of a target memory isn't fully complete, they'll guide you on how to contain any residual emotions and use coping strategies learned in Phase 2 between sessions.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- This phase is vital for managing the intensity of healing. Your therapist might guide you to visualize placing any remaining discomfort into a mental "container" until your next session. This ensures you leave feeling grounded and capable of managing any lingering emotions, rather than feeling overwhelmed.
Phase 8- Reevaluation
What it is- This phase typically occurs at the beginning of subsequent sessions. You and your therapist will reevaluate the progress made on previously processed memories, checking if distress remains low and if positive beliefs are still strong.
This determines if further processing is needed for old targets or if new targets should be addressed.
How it helps with Pregnancy Loss Trauma- You might report that the memory of your loss now feels distant and less painful, and you truly believe "I am resilient." This reevaluation guides your therapist in determining if you're ready to move on to processing other related memories- like the pain of unsupportive comments, or the anxiety about future pregnancies- or if you're ready to integrate your healing into new life experiences.
The Power of Words: Language After Loss
The language we use to describe our experiences, especially traumatic ones like pregnancy loss, has a deep impact on our healing journey.
Words can trigger deeply upsetting emotions, or they can offer solace and understanding.
The Impact of "Miscarriage"
The term "miscarriage" is a loaded word for many, carrying implications of fault or downplaying the significance of the loss.
It can make you feel as though you "mis-carried" something, implying a personal failure. If "miscarriage" triggers negative emotions for you, consider using alternative terms like "pregnancy loss," "early pregnancy loss," "baby loss," or any phrase that resonates more deeply with your experience and acknowledges the reality of your grief.
Your feelings are valid, and the language you use to describe your experience should honor that.
External Communication
When talking to others about your loss, be mindful of the language they use. If someone uses a term you find insensitive, gently correct them and explain your preference.
Most people want to be supportive, and clear communication can help bridge the gap of understanding.
You have the right to educate others on how to best support you, but you do not HAVE to.
Internal Dialogue
The way we talk to ourselves about our loss also matters immensely. This is way easier said than done, but try to practice self-compassion ("This wasn't something I could control"- "I am grieving a deep loss"- "I am strong for enduring this").
EMDR can be instrumental in helping you identify and challenge these negative thought patterns, allowing you to replace them with more empowering and compassionate beliefs that foster healing.
Finding Your Voice
There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and there's no single "correct" way to talk about your experience. The key is to find language that feels authentic and validating for you.
Here are some additional tips:
Write it out: Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing your emotions and finding the words to describe them.
Seek support groups: Connecting with others who have experienced pregnancy loss can provide a safe space to share your feelings and learn from each other's experiences.
Be patient: Finding the right language for your grief may take time. Don't pressure yourself to have it all figured out right away.
By using language that empowers and validates your experience, you can create a more supportive environment for healing, both internally and with those around you.
EMDR therapy, combined with mindful communication, can be a powerful force in navigating the complexities of grief after pregnancy loss.
EMDR is Not a Magic Bullet, But a Powerful Tool
Healing after pregnancy loss is a marathon, not a sprint. EMDR can be a valuable tool along the way, but it's important to have realistic expectations.
It's not a quick fix: EMDR requires dedication and active participation to see results. Be patient and trust the process.
Healing is a gradual journey, and EMDR helps you move forward one step at a time.
The journey can be emotional: You may experience a range of emotions during sessions, which is perfectly normal.
Your therapist will create a safe and supportive space for you to explore these emotions without judgment.
Individual results vary: EMDR works for many, but it might not be the best fit for everyone.
Some people may prefer traditional talk therapy or other approaches to healing. It's important to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and a modality that works for you.
Remember, You Are Not Alone
The decision to pursue EMDR after pregnancy loss is deeply personal.
But if you're reading this, chances are you're looking for a way to navigate the storm of grief and find peace.
Here are some resources to help you continue on your journey:
The EMDR International Association (https://www.emdria.org/) offers a therapist finder tool to locate an EMDR-trained professional in your area.
NPR published an article about pregnancy loss and how to support yourself or a loved one (https://www.npr.org/2021/04/06/984830547/navigating-life-after-pregnancy-loss)
The March of Dimes (https://www.marchofdimes.org/) provides support and resources for pregnancy loss.
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support (https://nationalshare.org/) offers a national network of support groups and resources.
You can also join a support group or connect with others who have experienced pregnancy loss:
Pregnancy loss doesn't define you.
It's a part of your story, and healing allows you to rewrite the narrative.
EMDR can be a powerful tool on that path, offering a chance to feel the weight of grief lessen and embrace new possibilities.
Taking Your Next Step Towards Healing
The heartbreak of pregnancy loss is immense, but healing is truly possible.
You don't have to carry this burden alone or feel isolated in your grief.
Understanding your emotions and finding the right tools can make all the difference in moving from a place of overwhelming pain to one of peace and integration.
If you're finding this journey overwhelming, or if you feel stuck in your grief and trauma, please know that reaching out for professional support is a brave and vital step.
EMDR therapy offers a proven pathway to process and integrate the painful memories of loss, allowing you to reclaim your peace and find a way to carry your grief forward with compassion and strength.
If you're interested in learning more about EMDR and exploring if it might be right for you, book a free, confidental 15 minute consultation call with me and we can talk about your options.
You deserve acknowledgment, understanding, and healing.
