Lost? Disrupted? Struggling?: Understanding Grief and How to Get Help
Disclaimer: I lost my little brother to bone cancer in 2013, and my dad died by suicide in 2023. This is personal and professional. I’ve been there, I’ve felt the feelings, and I will never, ever ask someone to “try to move on.”
Grief. It's not a single, neatly defined emotion, but a complex mixture of feelings swirling within and around us after a loss. This potent mix disrupts our brain regions and soul spots responsible for managing emotions, forming memories, and processing rewards. The familiar comfort of a loved one's presence, the anticipated joy of a shared experience – all vanish, leaving behind a state of emotional turmoil. Sadness, anger, emptiness – these are just some of the companions on this deeply personal journey through grief.
While our unique brain wiring, past experiences, and cultural background shape how we experience grief, the core biological underpinnings remain remarkably universal. We'll explore anticipatory grief – that unsettling space when you know a loss is coming, like caring for a terminally ill loved one. This disrupts the brain's ability to process the future, leading to sadness at the approaching loss, anger at the unfairness of it all, and a desperate clinging to hope. We'll also delve into complicated grief or traumatic grief, where the intense emotions of loss persist, making it difficult to function in daily life.
This post will talk about how therapy can help, offering support and strategies to process your emotions and begin to heal. I’ll also discuss how to support a friend who is grieving.
Beyond the Stages: A Mush of Emotions
The "stages of grief" have been useful in understanding grief, but they’re not the only pieces. This tangled path isn't a linear one with neatly marked exits. It's more like a swirling vortex, where emotions ebb and flow, sometimes crashing over you in relentless waves, other times receding into a low hum of sorrow. You might find yourself disoriented, lost in the fog of denial, grappling with anger that feels like a caged beast, or sinking into the quicksand of despair. There's no shame in any of these emotions. They're all valid companions on this path of loss.
Acute and Longer-Term Grief
Acute grief and longer-term grief are distinct phases in the grieving process, characterized by different emotional and physical responses. Here's a breakdown of what each might look like:
Acute Grief (Initial Months After Loss)
Emotions: Intense sadness, overwhelming emotions like anger, guilt, or denial, emotional numbness, shock, disbelief, yearning, loneliness, despair.
Physical Symptoms: Changes in sleep patterns (insomnia or excessive sleep), changes in appetite (loss of appetite or overeating), fatigue, difficulty concentrating, headaches, stomachaches, tightness in the chest.
Behavior: Withdrawal from social activities, neglecting responsibilities, tearfulness, irritability, difficulty making decisions.
Longer-Term Grief (Months to Years After Loss)
Emotions: Sadness that comes in waves, bittersweet memories, acceptance of the loss with lingering sadness, anger that is less intense but may resurface occasionally.
Physical Symptoms: Symptoms may lessen or become less frequent, but fatigue, trouble sleeping, and changes in appetite might still occur.
Behavior: Gradual re-engagement in social activities and hobbies, finding ways to honor the memory of the deceased, ability to manage daily life and responsibilities, seeking professional help if needed.
Exploring Different Types of Grief
The path of grief can be entered through various doorways. Maybe you're navigating the crushing loss of a loved one, their absence a constant echo reminding you of what's no longer there. Maybe your relationship, once a vibrant garden, has withered and died, leaving behind a desolate landscape of memories. Or perhaps your spirituality, the guiding light of your life, has flickered and faded, plunging you into a spiritual darkness.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief is unique. It’s the unsettling feeling when you know a loss is coming, like caring for a terminally ill loved one. It's a way to brace yourself for the emotional impact, a chance to start processing the inevitable before it hits. You might experience a rollercoaster of emotions – sadness at the approaching loss, anger at the unfairness of it all, a desperate clinging to hope. Anticipatory grief, though challenging, can be a form of preparation, allowing you to begin saying goodbye and cherishing the remaining moments.
Complicated Grief and Traumatic Grief
Grief usually softens its grip with time, but for some, it tightens into a suffocating hold. This is complicated grief, where the intense emotions – the longing, the anger, the overwhelming sense of emptiness – persist, making it hard to function in daily life. It's like being trapped in a single, suffocating corner of the path, the air thick with grief that refuses to lessen. You might find yourself withdrawing from social interactions, neglecting your responsibilities, or struggling to find meaning in anything.
Traumatic grief is another beast entirely. It arises from sudden, shocking losses, like a violent death or a devastating accident. It leaves you reeling, disoriented, and wrestling with a cocktail of emotions: intense sadness, crippling fear, a gnawing sense of guilt. Flashbacks and nightmares become unwelcome visitors, constantly dragging you back to the moment of loss. Traumatic grief can feel isolating, leaving you adrift in a sea of pain while the world around you seems to move on.
Therapy for Grief:
Therapy can be your guide, offering different tools to help you navigate the twists and turns. As a grief therapist, I use the following approaches to help clients through grief. As a human who has experienced deep grief, I have also personally used the following tools in my journey:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Imagine using eye movements to reprocess a difficult memory associated with your loss. EMDR therapists guide you through this process, where you follow their hand movements with your eyes while focusing on the emotions and sensations connected to the memory. By creating a bridge between the emotional and cognitive parts of your brain, EMDR can potentially help you detach the emotional sting from specific moments, allowing you to view them with a sense of detachment and calmness.
Brainspotting: This approach is like following your gaze into the heart of the storm. By focusing on where your eyes naturally fixate while discussing your grief, a therapist can help you explore those "brainspots" – areas in your visual field that might be linked to unprocessed emotions or trauma related to your loss. By bringing these areas into conscious awareness, therapists believe you can access and release underlying emotional tension, fostering a sense of emotional release and healing.
Somatic Therapy: Our bodies hold onto grief too. Somatic therapy helps you connect with the physical sensations of grief – the tightness in your chest, the knot in your stomach, the achy emptiness in your gut. Through breathwork exercises and mindfulness techniques, you can learn to understand these sensations and cultivate a sense of embodied calm amidst the storm of emotions. Imagine becoming aware of the tension in your shoulders and slowly releasing it with a deep breath. Somatic therapy empowers you to listen to your body's signals and develop healthy coping mechanisms for comforting the physical manifestations of grief. You might find relief through gentle yoga poses, guided meditations that focus on bodily sensations, or progressive muscle relaxation techniques.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): This approach acknowledges the inner chorus of voices that can emerge during grief. Imagine a part of you clinging fiercely to anger at the loss, while another desperately seeks comfort in memories. IFS helps you understand and comfort these different "parts" of yourself, fostering internal dialogue and promoting self-compassion. Through guided exercises, you can learn to create space for each part to be heard, validate their emotions, and ultimately work towards a sense of internal harmony.
Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy (PAT): Psychedelic-assisted therapy, specifically psilocybin therapy, is a beautiful way to address grief. Early research suggests that certain psychedelic substances, used in a controlled setting with a therapist, can help individuals process trauma and grief. These substances can induce altered states of consciousness, allowing for deeper exploration of emotional pain and a potential for emotional breakthroughs. It's important to note that PAT is not yet widely available and requires careful screening and preparation. If you’re interested in PAT, please reach out and contact me.
More Tools for Your Journey
While therapy can be a powerful tool, there are additional resources available to support you on your grief journey:
Grief Support Groups: Connecting with others who understand your pain can be incredibly validating. Support groups offer a safe space to share your experiences, learn from others, and feel less alone in your grief.
Mindfulness and Meditation Practices: These practices can help you cultivate awareness of your emotions without judgment, allowing you to navigate the waves of grief with greater ease. Mindfulness techniques like focused breathing can help manage anxiety and promote relaxation.
Creative Expression: Grief can be a deeply personal experience, and creative outlets like journaling, art therapy, or music can provide a powerful way to express your emotions.
Biological Wellness: During times of grief, it's crucial to prioritize self-care. Make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food, and engaging in activities you enjoy, even if it's just for a short while.
Final notes:
There will be good days and bad days, moments of overwhelming sadness punctuated by glimmers of hope. Sometimes, the happy feelings are the most difficult to sit with (I would know- my happiest moments almost always lead to really important and deep feelings/tears). The thing is to be patient with yourself. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, and don't be afraid to seek support when you need it.
As you navigate the path of grief, remember, you're not alone. There are tools and resources available to help you find your way, and with time, you can learn to carry your loss with strength, resilience, and perhaps even a newfound appreciation for the preciousness of life.
How to Support Someone Who is Grieving
Be Present: Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there. Listen actively without judgment, allowing them to express their emotions freely, be it sadness, anger, or confusion.
Offer Practical Help: Grief can be all-consuming, making everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offer practical help with errands, meals, or childcare. Even small gestures like picking up groceries or helping with household chores can make a big difference.
Validate Their Feelings: Don't try to minimize their loss or tell them how they "should" be feeling. Phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" or "They're in a better place now" can and DO feel dismissive to someone in the throes of grief. Acknowledge their pain and let them know it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
Offer Words of Comfort: While avoiding platitudes, you can offer simple words of comfort and support. Let them know you care about them and you're there for them. Share a fond memory of the deceased, if appropriate, or offer a listening ear if they need to vent. Don’t forget to use the name of the person who has died, if they are dealing with the death of a loved one.
Respect Their Boundaries: Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Don't pressure them to talk about their loss if they're not ready. Be patient and respectful of their boundaries, whether they need space or crave connection.
Encourage Self-Care: Grief can take a toll on physical and mental health. Gently encourage them to prioritize self-care practices like healthy eating, regular exercise, and getting enough sleep. Offer to join them for a walk or a healthy meal, if they're receptive. Better yet, cook their favorite meal and drop it off.
Be Patient: Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Healing takes time, and there will be good days and bad days. Be patient with their progress and avoid setting expectations for how long it should take them to "get over it."
Remember Yourself: It's important to take care of yourself while supporting someone who is grieving. Set boundaries, prioritize your well-being, and don't hesitate to seek support for yourself if you're feeling overwhelmed.
Remember, even small gestures of kindness and compassion can make a significant difference for someone who is grieving. By offering your support, you can help them navigate this difficult time and find their way towards healing.
If you’re interested in beginning grief therapy with me, please schedule a consultation phone call and you can decide if I’m a good fit.
