Lost? Disrupted? Struggling?: Understanding Grief and How to Get Help
Disclaimer: I lost my little brother to bone cancer in 2013 and my dad died by suicide in 2023. This is personal and professional. I've been there, I've felt the feelings, and I will never, ever ask someone to "try to move on."
Grief is not a single, neatly defined emotion.
It is a complex mixture of feelings swirling within and around us after a loss.
For so many women, especially those who are used to being in control of their lives, their businesses, and their families, grief feels like a hijacking. It disrupts the very wiring of our brains and the sacred places in our souls responsible for managing emotions and forming memories.
The familiar comfort of a loved one's presence, the anticipated joy of a shared experience—all vanish. This leaves behind a state of emotional turmoil. Sadness, anger, emptiness—these are just some of the companions on this deeply personal journey.
The tears that sit just beneath the surface of your eyes, ready to fall at any moment, are a testament to the pain you carry.
Beyond the Stages: A Mush of Emotions
The "stages of grief" have been useful in understanding grief, but they are not the only pieces of the puzzle.
This tangled path is not a linear one with neatly marked exits. It is more like a swirling vortex, where emotions ebb and flow.
Sometimes they crash over you in relentless waves, other times receding into a low hum of sorrow. You might find yourself disoriented, lost in the fog of denial, grappling with anger that feels like a caged beast, or sinking into the quicksand of despair.
There is no shame in any of these emotions. They are all valid companions on this path of loss.
Grief is a whole-body experience. It is not just in our hearts and minds but in every cell of our being. This is why it can feel so physically heavy.
For the logical woman who is used to being in control, this feeling can be especially frustrating. It can feel like your own body has betrayed you.
We might feel a crushing weight on our chest, a constant knot in our stomach, or a pervasive feeling of fatigue that no amount of sleep can fix.
Understanding that grief affects both our biology and our spirit is the first step toward a compassionate healing journey.
Acute and Longer-Term Grief
Grief evolves over time.
Acute grief and longer-term grief are distinct phases in the grieving process, characterized by different emotional and physical responses.
Acute Grief (Initial Months After Loss)
Emotions: This phase is marked by intense sadness and overwhelming emotions. You might experience anger, guilt, or denial. Emotional numbness, shock, and a persistent yearning for the person who has died are also common. It can feel like a constant state of loneliness and despair. You may not even recognize yourself in this emotional chaos.
Physical Symptoms: The physical toll is significant. Your body may feel disconnected from your mind. You might have changes in sleep patterns, such as insomnia or sleeping too much. Your appetite might change, leading to either a loss of appetite or overeating. Fatigue is a constant companion. You may have difficulty concentrating, headaches, stomachaches, or a tightness in your chest.
Behavior: It is common to withdraw from social activities and find it hard to manage daily responsibilities. You might feel irritable or tearful at unexpected times. Simple tasks, like making a cup of coffee, can feel impossible.
Longer-Term Grief (Months to Years After Loss)
Emotions: While sadness remains, it often comes in waves rather than a constant flood. You may experience bittersweet memories, where sadness and warmth can exist together. The loss is more accepted with lingering sadness. Anger is less intense but may resurface on anniversaries or special occasions.
Physical Symptoms: The physical symptoms often lessen or become less frequent. However, fatigue, trouble sleeping, and changes in appetite might still occur, particularly during times of stress or on significant dates.
Behavior: There is a gradual re-engagement in social activities and hobbies. You start to find new ways to honor the memory of the deceased. You can manage daily life and responsibilities more effectively. Seeking professional help may still be a part of this phase if you feel stuck or are having a difficult time.
Exploring Different Types of Grief
The path of grief can be entered through various doorways.
Maybe you are navigating the crushing loss of a loved one, their absence a constant echo reminding you of what is no longer there.
Maybe your relationship, once a vibrant garden, has withered and died, leaving behind a desolate landscape of memories.
Or perhaps your spirituality, the guiding light of your life, has flickered and faded, plunging you into a darkness of the spirit.
Anticipatory Grief Anticipatory grief is unique. It is the unsettling feeling when you know a loss is coming. This is common for those caring for a terminally ill loved one. This type of grief is a way to brace yourself for the emotional impact. It is a chance to start processing the inevitable before it hits. You might experience a rollercoaster of emotions. You can feel sadness at the approaching loss, anger at the unfairness of it all, and a desperate clinging to hope. While challenging, anticipatory grief can be a form of preparation, allowing you to begin saying goodbye and cherishing the remaining moments.
Complicated Grief and Traumatic Grief Grief usually softens its grip with time, but for some, it tightens into a suffocating hold. This is complicated grief, where the intense emotions, the longing, the anger, the overwhelming sense of emptiness, persist. It makes it hard to function in daily life. It is like being trapped in a single, suffocating corner of the path. The air is thick with grief that refuses to lessen. You might find yourself withdrawing from social interactions, neglecting your responsibilities, or struggling to find meaning in anything.
Traumatic grief is another beast entirely. It arises from sudden, shocking losses, like a violent death or a devastating accident. It leaves you reeling, disoriented, and wrestling with a cocktail of emotions. You can feel intense sadness, crippling fear, and a gnawing sense of guilt. Flashbacks and nightmares become unwelcome visitors, constantly dragging you back to the moment of loss. Traumatic grief can feel isolating, leaving you adrift in a sea of pain while the world around you seems to move on.
Therapy for Grief: Finding Your Guide
Therapy can be your guide, offering different tools to help you navigate the twists and turns.
As a grief therapist, I use the following approaches to help clients through grief. As a human who has experienced deep grief, I have also personally used these tools in my journey.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Our brains sometimes get stuck on a traumatic memory. It can feel like a specific image or feeling is on a constant loop in your mind. EMDR is a therapeutic approach that uses bilateral stimulation, like following a therapist's hand movements with your eyes, to reprocess a difficult memory associated with your loss.
By creating a bridge between the emotional and cognitive parts of your brain, EMDR can help you detach the emotional sting from those specific moments. This allows you to remember the person with love rather than pain.
Brainspotting: This approach is like following your gaze into the heart of the storm. By focusing on where your eyes naturally fixate while discussing your grief, a therapist can help you explore those "brainspots." These are areas in your visual field that might be linked to unprocessed emotions or trauma related to your loss.
By bringing these areas into conscious awareness, therapists believe you can access and release underlying emotional tension, fostering a sense of emotional release and healing.
Somatic Therapy: Grief is held in the body. Somatic therapy helps you connect with the physical sensations of grief, the tightness in your chest, the knot in your stomach, or the achy emptiness in your gut. For a woman used to pushing through discomfort, this can be a difficult but essential practice. Through breathwork exercises and mindfulness techniques, you can learn to understand these sensations and cultivate a sense of embodied calm amidst the storm of emotions.
Somatic therapy empowers you to listen to your body's signals and develop healthy coping mechanisms for comforting the physical manifestations of grief.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): This approach acknowledges the inner chorus of voices that can emerge during grief. Imagine a part of you clinging fiercely to anger at the loss, while another desperately seeks comfort in memories. IFS helps you understand and comfort these different "parts" of yourself. This fosters internal dialogue and promotes self-compassion.
Through guided exercises, you can learn to create space for each part to be heard, validate their emotions, and ultimately work towards a sense of internal harmony.
Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy (PAT): Psychedelic-assisted therapy, specifically psilocybin therapy, is an emerging approach that shows promise in facilitating healing experiences for individuals grappling with grief. Under the guidance of a trained therapist in a supportive setting, psychedelics can help you access deep emotional states, process unresolved trauma, and gain new perspectives on life and death.
These experiences can foster feelings of connection, acceptance, and transcendence, offering opportunities for healing and transformation in the context of grief therapy. It is an approach that we would only consider if it aligns with your goals and is clinically appropriate.
How to Support Someone Who is Grieving
Be Present: Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there. Listen actively without judgment, allowing them to express their emotions freely. This could be sadness, anger, or confusion. Do not try to offer solutions.
Offer Practical Help: Grief can be all-consuming, making everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offer practical help with errands, meals, or childcare. Even small gestures like picking up groceries or doing the dishes without asking can make a big difference. For someone who is used to being the helper, receiving this kind of care can be especially meaningful.
Validate Their Feelings: Do not try to minimize their loss or tell them how they "should" be feeling. Phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" or "They're in a better place now" can feel dismissive to someone in the throes of grief. Acknowledge their pain and let them know it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
Offer Words of Comfort: While avoiding platitudes, you can offer simple words of comfort and support. Let them know you care about them and you are there for them. Share a fond memory of the deceased, if appropriate. Do not forget to use the name of the person who has died, as hearing their name can be a source of comfort.
Respect Their Boundaries: Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Do not pressure them to talk about their loss if they are not ready. Be patient and respectful of their boundaries. They may need space one day and crave connection the next.
Encourage Self-Care: Grief can take a toll on physical and mental health. Gently encourage them to prioritize self-care practices like healthy eating, exercise, and getting enough sleep. Offer to join them for a walk or a healthy meal, if they are receptive.
Be Patient: Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Healing takes time, and there will be good days and bad days. Be patient with their progress and avoid setting expectations for how long it should take them to "get over it."
Remember Yourself: It is important to take care of yourself while supporting someone who is grieving. Set boundaries, prioritize your well-being, and do not hesitate to seek support for yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Key Takeaways
Your grief is valid. Grief is a complex, non-linear process. There is no right or wrong way to experience it, and all of your emotions are valid. Your body and your brain are simply reacting to a monumental loss.
Healing is not about "moving on." You do not need to forget the person you lost. Instead, therapy can help you learn to navigate your pain and find a way to honor their memory while living your life.
Grief affects your entire being. It impacts your brain, your body, and your spirit. Healing requires a holistic approach that addresses all three of these areas.
Therapy provides a personalized toolkit. Modalities like EMDR, Brainspotting, and IFS offer a variety of ways to gently process and release the emotions and memories connected to your loss.
Connection is a vital part of your healing journey. Whether it's with a therapist, a support group, or a compassionate friend, allowing others in can make all the difference.
Working With Your Grief
You have already taken a powerful first step just by being here and seeking information.
It takes incredible strength to admit that you need help when you are used to being the strong one. The path ahead may feel long and difficult.
You do not have to walk it alone.
Schedule your free consultation call now to see if we are a good fit.
Resources for Grief
Books:
Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss by Sally Douglass and Imogen Carn
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine
Online Directories for Finding a Therapist:
Psychology Today
Mental Health Match
Therapist.com
Support Groups & Organizations:
The Dinner Party: A global community for people who have experienced significant loss
National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization: Provides resources and support for grief and loss
Grief Share: A network of local grief support groups
For Immediate Help:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
