Death Therapy: Grief Counseling that isn’t “moving on”
Trigger warning:
Death and loss by suicide, cancer, loss of a child, complicated grief, and generally upsetting topics are discussed here. I don’t use flowery language to try to “ease up” the reality of death and dying or the process of grief. I believe that is an injustice to those of us who are in the thick of it.
You came here because you’re in pain. You’ve lost someone you love and no one else seems to get it.
Your world seems to stop when a loved one dies. Yet, the outside world keeps chugging along as if nothing is changed. The pain of loss can feel overwhelming, leaving you unsure how to navigate a future without them.
You're not alone. Grief is a natural human response to losing someone close, and it's a process that takes time and sitting with really uncomfortable feelings.
PS- I would know. I choose to work with death and loss because of my personal experience. In 2013, my little brother (17 years old) died of bone cancer. More recently, in early 2023, my dad died by suicide. These tragedies have shaped me as a human and a therapist. When I tell clients “I feel that,” I really, truly do.
Understanding Death Therapy:
In the wake of death, finding solace may seem like an impossible task. However, death therapy, also known as grief therapy or grief counseling, offers a supportive space where you can confront your grief head-on and cultivate healthy coping mechanisms.
It's not about erasing the pain but about navigating through it, honoring the memories of those we've lost while still embracing life.
And I would never ask a client to walk into something I have not personally walked into on my healing journey, so this blog post is full of content that resonates deeply with me.
Here's what you can expect from death therapy with me:
Processing Complex Emotions: Grief often involves a mix of emotions – sadness, anger, joy, guilt, and confusion. I can help you understand and get to know these feelings in a way that doesn’t ask you to “move on” or “look at the bright side!”
Developing Unique Coping Mechanisms: The death of a loved one can disrupt your daily routine and make it difficult to cope. Therapy can help you develop strategies to navigate everyday life while grieving. I like to remind clients that sometimes the happy feelings are hardest to be with during this time. Strategies used for grief are a little different than your typical “coping skill” and require a really personalized approach.
Addressing Unresolved Issues: Sometimes, past conflicts or unspoken words can complicate the grieving process. Not to mention the way the person died, for example, if they died by suicide or if you were the one to take them off life support, and how that impacts the journey through. Therapy offers a space to explore these issues and find closure.
Reconnecting With Spirit, Self, God, Nature, Allah, FSM, Community, Culture, etc. etc: Loss and trauma can leave us feeling overwhelmingly depleted, but not just in the “I-haven’t-slept-even-though-I’m-in-bed-constantly” way. There is a spiritual injury that we might not be able to put into words just yet. Because of my own deep work, I can help you explore and unburden these types of spiritual injuries.
Who Can Benefit:
Death therapy isn't just for those who have recently experienced the death of a loved one. It can also be helpful for people who:
Haven't fully processed past losses (because the time never seems “right.”")
Are struggling with complicated grief or anticipatory grief
Are experiencing the after-affects of a spiritual injury
Feel overwhelmed and triggered by their emotions
Are experiencing anxiety or depression related to loss
Understanding Complicated Grief and Anticipatory Grief:
In addition to the grief experienced after the death of a loved one, some individuals may find themselves grappling with complicated grief or anticipatory grief.
Complicated grief is characterized by an intense and prolonged mourning period, often accompanied by feelings of numbness, disbelief, or persistent longing for the deceased. Complicated grief might follow a particularly violent death or a death by suicide that felt out of the blue.
Anticipatory grief, on the other hand, occurs when individuals begin grieving before a loved one has passed away, typically in cases of terminal illness or long-term caregiving.
As an experienced grief therapist, I utilize a range of therapeutic modalities, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Brainspotting, Somatic Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and psychedelic-assisted therapy, to guide adults through the process of grieving.
Navigating the Stages of Grief:
Grief is often described as occurring in stages, with popular models like the Kübler-Ross model identifying stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, it's essential to understand that these stages do not follow a set pattern. Instead, grief is a highly individualized experience, and people may move through these stages at their own pace, sometimes experiencing multiple stages in rapid succession or feeling engulfed by a particular stage for an extended period.
The "stages of grief:”
Remember: these stages are a framework, not a rigid timeline.
Here's a breakdown:
Denial: This is a natural first response to a significant loss. It allows for some emotional cushioning and time to process the reality of the situation. People might numb themselves or go through the motions of daily life in a state of disbelief.
Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, anger can emerge. This anger can be directed at the deceased, oneself, medical professionals, or even the world in general. It's important to find healthy ways to express this anger.
Bargaining: In an attempt to regain control or change the situation, some people might engage in bargaining. This could involve making deals with a higher power or mentally replaying events, wishing they could have done something differently.
Depression: Feelings of sadness, emptiness, and despair are common during this stage. People might withdraw from social interactions, lose interest in activities, and experience changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
Acceptance: This doesn't mean forgetting the loss or feeling happy about it. Instead, it represents a gradual process of coming to terms with the reality of the situation and finding a way to move forward while carrying the memory of the deceased.
Important Points to Remember:
People don't necessarily experience all these stages, and the order can vary.
The intensity and duration of each stage will differ from person to person.
There's no set timeframe for grief. Healing is a personal journey.
Some models include additional stages, such as guilt or longing.
Grief can manifest in various ways, including physical symptoms or emotional outbursts.
Right now, my personal favorite grief book is Good Mourning: Honest Conversations about Grief and Loss by Sally Douglass and Imogen Carn.
In therapy, we acknowledge the fluidity of grief and provide support tailored to your unique needs. Whether you're grappling with denial, wrestling with anger, bargaining with the past, sinking into depression, or finding moments of acceptance, I’m there to guide you with compassion and understanding.
How Each Therapeutic Modality Can Help with Death Grief:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR is a powerful therapeutic approach that helps individuals process traumatic memories and negative emotions associated with grief. By engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or tactile sensations, EMDR can help desensitize distressing memories and reprocess them in a more adaptive way, reducing the emotional intensity of grief triggers.
Brainspotting: Brainspotting is another effective modality for addressing unresolved trauma and grief. By identifying specific "brainspots" that correlate with stored emotional experiences, therapists can help clients access and process deeply held emotions related to grief. This approach allows for the release of emotional tension and promotes healing at the neurological level.
Somatic Therapy: Somatic therapy focuses on the mind-body connection and can be particularly beneficial for individuals experiencing physical manifestations of grief, such as tension, pain, or somatic symptoms. Through techniques such as breathwork, mindfulness, and body awareness exercises, somatic therapy helps clients regulate their nervous system, release stored tension, and cultivate a greater sense of embodied presence and resilience in the face of grief.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): IFS is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals explore and reconcile internal conflicts and parts of the self. In the context of grief therapy, IFS can be used to identify and work with different aspects of the grieving process, such as the inner critic, wounded parts, and protective mechanisms. By fostering self-compassion, understanding, and integration, IFS helps clients navigate the complexities of grief with greater clarity and self-awareness.
Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy: Psychedelic-assisted therapy is an emerging field that shows promise in facilitating profound healing experiences and insights for individuals grappling with grief. Under the guidance of trained therapists and in a supportive therapeutic setting, psychedelics such as MDMA, psilocybin, or ketamine can help individuals access deep emotional states, process unresolved trauma, and gain new perspectives on life and death. These experiences can foster feelings of connection, acceptance, and transcendence, offering profound opportunities for healing and transformation in the context of grief therapy.
As you journey through grief, it's important to remember that healing is not linear. Some days, you may feel overwhelmed by sadness, while on others, you may find moments of peace and acceptance.
It's essential to give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or expectation. Grief therapy with me can help you find personalized ways to give yourself that permission.
In therapy, we explore these stages of grief together, helping you navigate the complexities of your emotions and find meaning in the midst of loss. Through compassionate support and evidence-based therapeutic techniques, we work together to honor the memory of your loved one and find healing in the face of profound loss.
Finding Your Grief Therapist: How to Choose the Right Therapist
Choosing the right therapist is crucial to the success of your therapeutic journey. Although I would be honored to work with you (book a consultation here!), the most important thing is finding someone who you actually like.
A Grief & Trauma Intensive might be a good fit for you if you’re someone who often puts off caring for themselves until a really big thing happens.
Here are some tips to help you find a compassionate guide who can support you on your path to healing:
Seek Recommendations: Ask friends, family members, or healthcare professionals for recommendations. Personal referrals can provide valuable insights into the therapist's approach and effectiveness.
Research Credentials: Look for therapists who specialize in grief counseling or have experience working with clients who have experienced similar losses. Check their credentials, including their education, licensure, and certifications.
Schedule Consultations: Most therapists offer free initial consultations. Take advantage of this opportunity to speak with them and assess whether they're a good fit for you. Pay attention to how comfortable you feel talking to them and whether you sense a genuine connection.
Discuss Treatment Approach: During the consultation, discuss the therapist's approach to grief therapy and what you can expect from the sessions. Ask about their techniques, treatment modalities, and how they tailor their approach to meet the unique needs of each client.
Trust Your Instincts: Ultimately, trust your instincts when choosing a therapist. You should feel heard, understood, and supported in their presence. If something doesn't feel right, don't hesitate to explore other options until you find the right fit.
Use Online Directories: Psychology Today, Mental Health Match, Therapist.com, and Open Path Collective are a couple of online directories that allow you to get to know potential therapists and reach out for a consultation call.
Remember, finding the right therapist is a crucial step on your journey toward healing. Take your time, trust the process, and know that with the right guidance, healing is possible.
If you’d like to chat with me to figure out if I’m the right fit, schedule a free consultation call here.
Take good care,
