Death Therapy: Grief Counseling that Isn't "Moving On"
Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses death, loss by suicide, cancer, loss of a child, and other generally upsetting topics. The content is honest and direct, without flowery language to ease the reality of death and grief.
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You came here because you’re in pain.
You lost someone you love, and no one else seems to get it. Your world has stopped, yet the outside world keeps chugging along as if nothing has changed.
The pain of loss can feel overwhelming, leaving you unsure how to navigate a future without them.
I know. My personal experience with death and loss led me to this work. In 2013, my little brother was just 17 when he died of bone cancer. The loss hurt. My family was left reeling, trying to figure out how to exist in a world that no longer had him in it.
More recently, in early 2023, my dad died by suicide. This was a different kind of sudden, and it brought with it a different set of questions and a unique type of pain. These tragedies have shaped me as a human and a therapist.
When I tell clients, "I feel that," I really, truly do. I believe that using flowery language to "ease up" the reality of death is an injustice to those of us who are in the thick of it.
In this post, I want to talk openly about what death therapy can look like and why it isn't about moving on.
Understanding Death Therapy: It's Not About Erasing the Pain or the Person
In the wake of death, finding solace can feel like an impossible task.
Death therapy, also known as grief counseling, offers a supportive space where you can confront your grief head-on. The biggest misconception about grief counseling is that it's designed to help you "move on" or forget about the person you lost.
That could not be further from the truth.
Grief is a testament to the love you have for that person. You should never have to stop loving them. The goal of death therapy is not to erase the pain but to give you the tools to navigate through it.
It’s about honoring the memories of those you have lost while still finding a way to embrace your own life.
I would never ask a client to walk into something I have not personally walked into on my own healing journey. I know what it feels like to sit with the emptiness, the anger, the guilt, and the utter confusion that comes with losing someone so dear.
I will not ask you to "look on the bright side" or tell you that "it's all part of God's plan." Instead, I will sit with you in the reality of your pain.
Here is what you can expect from death therapy with me:
Processing Complex Emotions
Grief is a chaotic mix of emotions. You might feel intense sadness one moment, then a surge of anger, guilt, or even unexpected joy. We will get to know these feelings without the expectation that you should "move on."
We'll explore where these feelings come from and what they're trying to tell you. This process can help you feel less overwhelmed by their intensity.
Developing Personalized Coping Mechanisms
The death of a loved one can disrupt your entire life. It can be hard to get out of bed, to go to work, or to engage in social activities. We will work together to create strategies that help you navigate your daily routine while you are grieving. This is not a one-size-fits-all approach.
For some, a typical "coping skill" like exercise might feel impossible, so we'll find unique strategies that resonate with you. We will also address the fact that sometimes the happy feelings are the hardest to be with during this time.
Addressing Unresolved Issues:
Grief can be complicated by past conflicts or unspoken words. The way the person died—for example, by suicide, or if you were the one who had to make the decision to take them off life support—also impacts this journey.
Therapy offers a safe space to explore these issues and work toward closure. This may involve releasing guilt, forgiving yourself, or finding a way to make peace with what was left unsaid.
Reconnecting With Your Inner World:
Loss and trauma can leave us feeling overwhelmingly depleted, not just physically, but spiritually. This is a deep, spiritual injury that you may not be able to put into words yet.
It can feel like your connection to your purpose, your community, your culture, or a higher power has been shattered. Because of my own deep work, I can help you explore and unburden these spiritual injuries.
Grief’s a Bitch: From Complicated to Anticipatory
Grief is a highly individualized experience.
While there is a common thread of pain, the nature of that pain can change depending on the circumstances of the loss.
Complicated Grief: This is a condition where a person gets "stuck" in the grieving process for an extended period. It is characterized by an intense and prolonged mourning that interferes with daily life. It often includes feelings of numbness, disbelief, or a persistent longing for the deceased.
A particularly violent death or a death by suicide that felt completely out of the blue can often lead to complicated grief. This type of grief can make it difficult to engage in new relationships or find purpose in life. It may feel like time has stopped.
Anticipatory Grief: This occurs when a person begins grieving before a loved one has passed away. It is typically seen in cases of terminal illness or long-term caregiving.
This form of grief is unique because you are grieving a future that will not happen while also dealing with the stresses of present-day caregiving. It is a confusing and often isolating experience.
Disenfranchised Grief: This type of grief is also a specific type of pain. It is grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported.
This can happen with the loss of a pet, the death of an ex-partner, or a miscarriage. These losses can be just as painful, but a person may not feel they have the right to grieve openly.
Understanding the "Stages" of Grief
Grief is often described in stages, with popular models like the Kübler-Ross model identifying stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
However, it's essential to understand that these stages do not follow a set pattern.
Instead, grief is a highly individualized experience, and people may move through these stages at their own pace, sometimes experiencing multiple stages in rapid succession or feeling engulfed by a particular stage for an extended period.
Remember these stages are a framework, a cycle, sometimes happening all at once - not a rigid timeline.
Denial: This is a natural first response to a significant loss. It allows for some emotional cushioning and time to process the reality of the situation. People might numb themselves or go through the motions of daily life in a state of disbelief, often saying things like, "This can't be real."
Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, anger can emerge. This anger can be directed at the deceased for leaving, at oneself for something you feel you should have done differently, at medical professionals, or even at the world in general. It's important to find healthy ways to express this anger, as it is a natural and valid emotion.
Bargaining: In an attempt to regain control or change the situation, a person might engage in bargaining. This could involve making deals with a higher power or mentally replaying events, wishing they could have done something differently to prevent the death.
Depression: Feelings of sadness, emptiness, and despair are common during this stage. A person might withdraw from social interactions, lose interest in activities they once enjoyed, and experience changes in appetite or sleep patterns. This is often the longest stage and can feel all-encompassing.
Acceptance: This does not mean forgetting the loss or feeling happy about it. Instead, it represents a gradual process of coming to terms with the reality of the situation and finding a way to move forward while carrying the memory of the deceased. It is about integrating the loss into your life story.
How I Can Help: A Toolkit for Your Grief
As an experienced grief therapist, I use a range of therapeutic modalities to guide adults through the process of grieving.
Each approach helps us to gently engage with grief in a different way.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR is a powerful therapeutic approach that helps individuals process traumatic memories and negative emotions associated with grief. By engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, we can help desensitize distressing memories and reprocess them in a more adaptive way. This reduces the emotional intensity of grief triggers. It's not about erasing the memory, but about making it feel less overwhelming so you can remember the person with love rather than pain.
Brainspotting: This is an effective modality for addressing unresolved grief. We identify specific "brainspots," which are eye positions that correlate with stored emotional experiences. By focusing on these spots in a safe environment, we can help you access and process deeply held emotions and release stored tension. This approach promotes healing at a neurological level and can be particularly helpful for grief that feels "stuck" in the body.
Somatic Therapy: Grief is held in the body. Somatic therapy focuses on the mind-body connection and can be beneficial for the physical manifestations of grief, such as tension, pain, or somatic symptoms like a constant knot in your stomach. Through techniques like breathwork and body awareness, we work to regulate your nervous system, release stored tension, and build resilience. This helps you to feel more grounded and present in your body.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): IFS views your inner world as a family of different parts. In grief therapy, we can use IFS to identify and work with different aspects of the grieving process. You may have a part that is angry at the world, a part that feels immense sadness, and a part that tries to stay busy to avoid feeling anything. By fostering self-compassion, we can help you get to know these parts and unburden them, allowing your core "Self" to lead the way toward greater clarity.
Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy: This is an emerging field that shows promise in facilitating healing experiences for individuals grappling with grief. Under the guidance of a trained therapist in a supportive setting, psychedelics can help you access deep emotional states, process unresolved trauma, and gain new perspectives on life and death. These experiences can foster feelings of connection, acceptance, and transcendence, offering opportunities for healing and transformation in the context of grief therapy. It is a new approach that we would only consider if it aligns with your goals and is clinically appropriate.
Key Takeaways
Healing is not "moving on." Grief therapy isn't about forgetting the person you lost. It's about finding a way to honor their memory and integrate their loss into a life that continues.
Grief is not a linear journey. The "stages of grief" are a useful framework, but your experience will be unique. It's okay to feel different emotions on different days, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed.
Your pain is valid. Every emotion you feel, from anger and guilt to sadness and numbness, is a normal part of the grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Your body holds your grief. Grief is not just an emotional experience. It can manifest physically. Therapeutic modalities that focus on the mind-body connection can be essential for your healing.
You don't have to do it alone. There is support available. Working with a grief therapist can provide a safe and compassionate space to navigate your journey.
Resources for Your Grief
Books:
Good Mourning: Honest Conversations About Grief and Loss by Sally Douglass and Imogen Carn
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine
Online Directories for Finding a Therapist:
Psychology Today
Mental Health Match
Therapist.com
Support Groups & Organizations:
The Dinner Party: A global community for people who have experienced significant loss
National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization: Provides resources and support for grief and loss
Grief Share: A network of local grief support groups
For Immediate Help:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Begin Your Healing Journey
You have already taken a powerful first step just by being here and seeking information.
The path ahead may feel long and difficult, but you don't have to walk it alone.
I’m here to sit with you in your pain, to guide you with compassion, and to help you find a way forward that feels true to you.
