Why You Feel Burnt Out: A Guide to Your Window of Tolerance
If you feel like you're a glass filled to the brim, and the teeeny-est drop of water threatens to make you spill over, this one’s for you.
A small stressor at work, a challenging conversation with a loved one, or even a sudden change in plans can feel like a catastrophe.
You’ve been pushing yourself to keep going, but you're running on empty, and you can’t figure out why.
This is not a sign of failure.
It is likely a sign that you’re out of your window of tolerance.
Your window of tolerance is the space to tolerate and comfortable handle stressors without your nervous system becoming overwhelmed.
When you’re inside your window, you feel calm, clear, and in control.
When you're pushed outside of it, you might feel anxious, angry, or completely shut down.
The concept was first introduced by Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry, who defined it as "the range of arousal in which we can function effectively." It’s a powerful tool for understanding why you feel so on edge all the time.
Trauma can shrink this window so small that any up or down can completely ruin your day. This might look like feeling extra irritable, sleeping poorly, having unfulfilling relationships, and lacking motivation.
What Happens When You're Outside the Window?
When your nervous system is pushed beyond its capacity to cope, you'll slip outside your window of tolerance into one of two states: hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
These states are not a choice or a flaw - they are a biological response to being overwhelmed. Understanding these two states is the first step toward reclaiming a sense of control and calm.
Hyperarousal: The "Fight or Flight" Response
This is a state of excessive or heightened arousal. It is your body's "fight or flight" response stuck on high alert. Your nervous system perceives a threat, and it floods your body with adrenaline and other stress hormones, preparing you for a danger that is no longer present.
While this response is crucial for survival in a genuine emergency, being stuck in this state for an extended period is physically and emotionally exhausting.
It's like having your foot on the gas pedal all the time, even when you're parked.
In hyperarousal, you might experience:
Physical Symptoms: A racing heart, rapid breathing, sweating, muscle tension, trembling, or feeling jumpy. You might also have digestive issues like an upset stomach or a constant feeling of being "keyed up." It's the sensation of a constant, low-grade emergency happening inside you.
Emotional Symptoms: Irritability, anger, anxiety, panic, or a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. You might find yourself easily startled by loud noises or sudden movements, constantly on edge and vigilant for potential threats.
Cognitive Symptoms: Difficulty concentrating, racing thoughts that you can't control, an inability to think clearly, or obsessing over worst-case scenarios. Your brain is so focused on the perceived threat that it can't engage in rational, linear thought.
This state is often what we associate with feeling "burnt out," constantly on edge, or having chronic anxiety. Your body is telling a story of danger, even when your rational mind knows you are safe.
Hypoarousal: The "Freeze or Shut Down" Response
This is the opposite of hyperarousal. It's a state of being "shut down" or "frozen." Your body’s energy reserves are depleted, and your nervous system goes into a state of collapse as a last-ditch effort to conserve resources. This is often the body's response when "fight or flight" isn't an option.
It's like your body is hitting the emergency brake and shutting down all non-essential systems.
In hypoarousal, you might experience:
Physical Symptoms: Feeling heavy, fatigued, or physically numb. You might have a low heart rate and shallow breathing. Your movements might feel slow or sluggish, and you may have a sensation of feeling "stuck."
Emotional Symptoms: Feeling numb, emotionally disconnected, or detached from your surroundings. You may feel a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, or depression. You might struggle to feel joy or sadness, as if a part of you has gone offline.
Cognitive Symptoms: Brain fog, an inability to concentrate or make decisions, a lack of motivation, or a feeling of being "checked out." It's a state of mental exhaustion where even simple tasks feel impossible.
Hypoarousal can be a subtle but profound state of disconnection. It is a survival mechanism that conserves energy when your nervous system feels completely overwhelmed, but it leaves you feeling disengaged and disconnected from your own life.
Misconceptions About Your Window of Tolerance
Many people, especially those who have experienced trauma, carry misconceptions about their emotional capacity that can be a major barrier to healing. As you begin this journey, it’s crucial to challenge these beliefs.
Misconception #1: Believing you have to handle everything on your own.
You’ve spent your life being self-reliant. The thought of needing help can feel like a failure, a sign that you are not as strong as you appear. This belief is often a survival mechanism from a past where you felt you couldn't trust anyone to be there for you.
True strength isn't about carrying the weight alone - it's about having the courage to put it down and ask for support when you need it. A healthy nervous system knows how to co-regulate with another person—it finds comfort and safety in connection.
Misconception #2: Equating emotional regulation with emotional detachment.
You may think that "getting it together" means suppressing or ignoring your emotions. But emotional regulation is not about being numb or stoic. It’s about being aware of your feelings, understanding their impact, and responding in a balanced way. It's the ability to feel a full range of emotions—even difficult ones—without being completely hijacked by them.
Learning to regulate your emotions is about building a relationship with your inner world, not walling it off.
Misconception #3: Overestimating your tolerance for stress.
You might believe you should be able to handle anything without breaking, especially if you have a history of doing just that. But everyone has limits, and trauma can significantly lower your stress threshold. Pushing yourself past your limit over and over again is not a sign of resilience - it's a fast-track to burnout and a shrunken window of tolerance.
Understanding where your boundaries are and seeking support is the most powerful act of self-care you can do. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to need help.
Misconception #4: Believing that healing is a linear process.
You may expect that once you start doing the work, you will continuously feel better and better. But healing is a journey with ups and downs. There will be days when you feel great and days when you feel triggered and dysregulated.
The key is to see these moments not as failures, but as opportunities to practice your new skills and to be compassionate with yourself. Healing is not about the absence of pain - it's about building your capacity to move through it.
Misconception #5: Judging yourself for being "broken."
When you're constantly outside your window of tolerance, it's easy to internalize the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You might think, "Why can't I just be normal?" or "Why am I so sensitive?" These thoughts are a result of a dysregulated nervous system, not a personal failure. The feelings you're having are a normal response to an abnormal experience.
How Trauma Affects Your Window
Trauma, whether it was one big event or a series of smaller ones, can have a profound and lasting impact on your window of tolerance.
Your brain and body, in a heroic effort to protect you, learned to associate certain things with danger.
This survival mechanism, while helpful in the moment of trauma, can become a problem when it persists in a safe present.
Trauma can literally rewire the brain and nervous system.
The Amygdala: This is the brain’s "alarm system." After trauma, the amygdala can become overactive, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response even in the absence of real danger. It acts like a smoke detector that is so sensitive it goes off every time you toast bread. This over-reaction keeps you in a perpetual state of hyperarousal.
The Hippocampus: This part of the brain is responsible for memory and context. It helps you tell the difference between past and present experiences. Trauma can shrink the hippocampus, making it difficult to distinguish between past and present threats. This is why a simple sound or smell can trigger an intense flashback or a sudden emotional reaction that feels like it's happening all over again.
The Prefrontal Cortex: This is the "thinking brain" responsible for logic, reason, and emotional regulation. When your amygdala is in overdrive, your prefrontal cortex goes offline, which is why it can be so hard to think clearly or make rational decisions when you are triggered. It’s like the rational part of your brain has been temporarily unplugged.
The Vagal Nerve: This nerve is a key player in the nervous system, connecting the brain to the body. It plays a critical role in regulating your heart rate, breathing, and emotions. Trauma can dysregulate the vagal nerve, leaving you stuck in states of hyperarousal or hypoarousal. You can consciously engage the vagal nerve with practices like deep breathing to send a message to your brain that you are safe.
All of this contributes to a decreased ability to cope with stress, making you more easily triggered and more likely to experience emotional dysregulation.
The good news is, just as trauma can shrink your window, you can, with the right support, learn to expand it.
Simple Ways to Recognize and Expand Your Window
The first step to healing is recognizing when you're moving outside of your window.
The next step is to use self-regulation tools to bring yourself back inside.
The more you practice these tools, the more they will become second nature, and the more resilient your nervous system will become.
Recognizing the Signs
Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. When you are in a situation that is outside of your window, you may notice changes like:
A "shift" in your body: You might feel a sudden tightening in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a flush of heat. These are your body's signals that something is overwhelming it.
A "change" in your thoughts: Your thoughts might become more negative, critical, or anxious. You might start to catastrophize or ruminate, replaying a conversation over and over again.
A "change" in your behavior: You might withdraw from a conversation, scroll aimlessly on your phone, or feel a sudden urge to leave a room. These are often unconscious attempts to escape a feeling that feels too big to handle.
Strategies for Getting Back Inside
If you notice you are outside of your window, here are a few things you can do to get back inside.
These are not about avoiding the feeling, but about gently bringing your nervous system back into balance.
Sensory Grounding: Focus on your five senses to bring you back to the present moment. This helps to reorient your brain to the here and now.
Sight: Look around the room and name five things you see. Notice colors, shapes, and textures.
Sound: Listen carefully and name five things you hear, from the hum of a computer to a distant bird.
Touch: Touch an object near you—a piece of clothing, your desk, a coffee mug—and describe how it feels. Notice the temperature, weight, and texture.
Smell: Name one thing you can smell, like a candle or the scent of a room.
Taste: If you have something to eat or drink, notice its taste and texture.
Somatic Grounding: Engage your body to release the stored energy of stress.
Deep Breathing: Inhale slowly for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six. This is a powerful way to activate the vagal nerve and send a message to your brain that you are safe to relax.
Movement: Get up and shake out your hands and feet. Stretch your neck and shoulders. Go for a short walk. Movement helps to release the "trapped" energy of hyperarousal.
Temperature: Splash cold water on your face, hold a cold object in your hands, or step outside into the cool air. This can jolt your nervous system out of a heightened state and reorient you to your physical body.
Cognitive Grounding: Focus on your mind to help you feel more present and in control.
Mental Countdown: Count backward from 100 by threes. This simple mental exercise engages your thinking brain and gives it a job to do, pulling you out of an emotional spiral.
Categorization: Name a category, like "fruits," and list as many as you can. This also focuses the prefrontal cortex and helps to calm the amygdala.
Positive Affirmations: Say to yourself, "I am safe right now," or "This feeling will pass." This can help to interrupt the negative thought patterns that contribute to dysregulation.
Trauma Therapy Can Help You Heal and Expand Your Window
If you are struggling to manage your window of tolerance, it is important to seek professional help.
A trauma-informed therapist can help you understand your triggers, process past events, and develop strategies for expanding your window and staying within it.
Therapy is not about reliving the past - it's about helping your nervous system let go of it.
Here are a few of the modalities that can be used to expand your window of tolerance:
Somatic Experiencing Therapy (SE):
This therapy focuses on helping you become more aware of your bodily sensations and how to regulate your emotions through them. It works on the principle that trauma gets "stuck" in the body, and SE helps to gently and safely release that trapped energy.
A session might involve a therapist guiding you to notice small shifts in your body—a change in your breath, a sense of heat in your hands, a feeling of trembling—and then helping you to "complete" the physical action that your body needed to take in the moment of trauma.
EMDR Therapy:
This therapy identifies and focuses on a traumatic memory in combination with bilateral movement (like following a therapist's fingers with your eyes). This process helps your brain reprocess the memory in a way that reduces its emotional charge.
It doesn't erase the memory, but it allows you to recall it without the overwhelming feelings of fear, shame, or anxiety. It helps the left and right hemispheres of your brain communicate more effectively, integrating the memory so it no longer feels like a present threat.
Brainspotting Therapy
This therapy uses specific eye placement to help you access and release emotional and physical stress stored in the body. It is based on the idea that "where you look affects how you feel."
When you focus on a particular point in your visual field, it can help you access the subcortical brain, where trauma is stored, and allow for deeper processing and release. It's a powerful, non-verbal approach that can be very effective for people who have a hard time articulating their pain.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
This model helps you understand that the mind is made up of various "parts," and that these parts hold different feelings and memories. IFS helps you connect with your core "Self"—a place of calm, compassion, and clarity—and then get to know and heal the wounded parts that have been burdened by trauma.
It is a gentle, non-pathologizing approach that helps you build a compassionate and trusting relationship with yourself.
Trauma therapy is a powerful way to improve and grow your window of tolerance. It helps you build the skills you need to cope with stress, build resilience, and finally heal from the pain of the past.
It’s an investment in your well-being that can lead to a sense of peace you haven't experienced in years.
Key Takeaways
Your Window of Tolerance is Your Capacity for Stress: It's the optimal zone where you can think clearly and stay present.
Hyperarousal and Hypoarousal are Survival Responses: When you're outside your window, your nervous system is in a natural but exhausting state of "fight or flight" or "freeze."
Trauma Shrinks Your Window: Past traumatic experiences can make you more sensitive to stress and more easily triggered, leading to a smaller window of tolerance.
Healing is Possible: By learning to recognize your triggers and using grounding techniques, you can gently expand your window of tolerance and increase your resilience.
Therapy is a Powerful Tool: Modalities like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, and Brainspotting can help your nervous system release past trauma so you can find lasting peace.
Are you ready to address your trauma, your irritability, your bad sleep, and your low motivation?
Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation.
