Surviving the Holidays When You're Grieving
The holidays are marketed as a time of joy and connection—gatherings, laughter, gratitude.
But if you’re grieving the loss of someone you love, this season can feel less like a celebration and more like a mirror reflecting what’s missing.
It’s common to feel a range: overwhelmed by emotion to totally absent, this time of year.
The music, the lights, the smell of cinnamon in a store- can awaken memories that catch us off-guard.
We might find ourselves cycling through sadness, guilt, irritability, or complete numbness.
For lots of us quietly navigating overwhelming grief, this time of year brings forward the ache of the missing person, the "should have beens," and the phantom of who you used to be or thought you’d become.
If you’re reading this, you might be someone who quietly carries a heartache, who shows up for everyone else, keeps it together outwardly but inside feels raw, unsteady, or maybe disconnected.
You might ask: Why now? Why every year? Or you might even feel guilty for finding this time hard. I want you to know: your nervous system is doing its job.
It's responding to what has happened, and it deserves to be heard, not shamed.
This isn't another generic guide offering simple distractions or toxic positivity.
This is a trauma-informed, somatic guide designed to help you understand the biology of your grief and give you tools to gently interrupt the survival mode that the holidays can activate.
In this post we’ll explore:
Why the holidays trigger so much for people after loss, and the nature of complex grief.
How your nervous system might be responding—and what that feels like in the body.
Practical somatic/IFS/EMDR therapy tools to help you feel grounded and more secure.
How to plan for and move through the season with your grief not buried but honored.
Why the Holidays Trigger: The Nature of Complex Grief
When someone or something that mattered deeply is gone, whether a parent, partner, child, friend, or even a part of ourselves, the holidays bring up multiple, often contrasting, meanings.
The pain isn't a single emotional wound— it's a collection of losses that the “holiday cheer” spotlights.
Sensory Overload
Our memories are not stored logically, they’re stored somatically (in the body) and emotionally.
The holidays are a massive sensory input event: the scent of pine or cinnamon, the specific pitch of a carol, the color palette of family decorations.
These sensory cues instantly bypass the logical brain and trigger the limbic system, calling up the full-bodied memory of a time when the loss had not yet occurred.
Imagine a simple holiday tune. If that tune played constantly while you were safe and happy with a loved one who is now gone, hearing it now doesn't just make you think of them, it makes your nervous system feel their absence as a physical reality.
This process is so automatic and sudden that it leaves you feeling blindsided, intensifying the pain of your loss.
The Five Layers of Holiday Pain
Memory + Absence: You see photographs, gatherings, songs, and traditions that featured the person or life you lost. The absence stands out, creating a raw, emotional gap.
You’re grieving the person and the traditions they represented.
Expectation vs. Reality: Social messages and media relentlessly tell us “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” This forces a deep dissonance between the joyful exterior of the world and the sorrowful interior of your reality.
External pressure to "be happy" adds a layer of exhausting performance to your already heavy emotional load.
Rituals of Belonging (Disenfranchised Grief): Holiday rituals are fundamentally about connection, family, and belonging. When you've lost someone, or if the loss involved estrangement, you might feel excluded, "less than," or fundamentally different from those around you.
If your grief isn't recognized by your social circle (loss of a pet, loss of a friendship, loss of an abusive parent), this is disenfranchised grief, and the holidays rub salt into that unseen wound.
Nervous System Imprinting: If the loss was traumatic: shock, unexpected death, or ongoing interpersonal abuse, your nervous system learned that the world is an unsafe place. Holidays, which often involve enforced closeness, change of routine, and potential exposure to difficult family members, can unconsciously “remind it” of that initial alarm state, activating old trauma responses.
Identity Shifts: Grief often brings identity questions (“Who am I now without them? Who am I now that I'm divorced?"). The holidays spotlight that gap, forcing you to step into an environment as a fundamentally changed person, which adds a layer of grief over the loss itself.
Because our nervous system is so deeply interconnected with memory, meaning, and safety, what looks like "just sadness" really might be layers of biological response: a system keeping you safe, but stuck in survival mode.
The Nervous System Response
Understanding what's going on under the hood helps you meet your experience with compassion instead of judgment.
Our nervous system is composed of the Sympathetic Branch (acceleration, danger) and the Parasympathetic Branch (braking, rest).
Holiday triggers often hijack this balance.
The Three States of Survival
When a trigger or intense memory activates the system, you move into a survival state:
Hyperarousal (Fight/Flight)
This is the Sympathetic nervous system engaged. You feel anxious, restless, your heart races, you might snap easily, or you feel an overwhelming need to control the environment (like planning every detail to avoid surprises). Your body is revved up, fueled by cortisol and adrenaline.
Dissociation, Numbing, "Checking Out" (Dorsal Vagal Freeze)
You may feel disconnected, foggy, or as though you're "going through the motions." This is the oldest part of the Parasympathetic nervous system taking over, shutting down the system to conserve energy and manage overwhelming pain. You’re present in body, but not in mind.
Emotional Flooding (Ventral Vagal Collapse/Release)
A song, a scent, or a photo brings intense tears, overwhelm, or even rage. This is your nervous system releasing held tension, shock, or sorrow. While painful, it is sometimes a move toward regulation, as the body is finally processing the energy it had been holding.
Relational Reactivity and the Nervous System
Holiday stress often presents as relational issues. If you find yourself snapping at someone, pulling away, or over-giving and people-pleasing, these are all survival strategies that once helped your system cope with past stress. Maybe you’re drinking more to numb out the grief.
Now, they feel maladaptive, but they are still signals of an activated nervous system seeking safety.
When you notice these patterns, the invitation is:
What is the nervous system trying to say?
Not What’s wrong with me?
The nervous system doesn’t judge, it signals safety or threat.
If it’s lighting you up, it means it senses threat (or unresolved alarm) around the holiday stimuli. And you get to respond—not with shame—but with care.
Somatic Tools for Support
Because my work often integrates somatic therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and nervous-system regulation, I’ll walk through tools you can practice now (leading into and during the holiday) to help your system feel more safe.
These tools aim to interrupt the survival cycle and anchor you in the present moment.
Anchor into Body First: Simple Grounding
We can’t heal what we can’t feel, but we also can’t feel too much at once. These tools build capacity for feeling.
Check-in and Tracking: Three times a day (morning, mid-day, evening), take 1 minute. Stop and ask: “What do I feel in my body right now?” Name it without judgment: (“tight chest,” “knot in stomach,” “full”). This is called somatic tracking. It builds the mind-body awareness necessary for healing.
Expansion: Note the edge of the sensation. Is it hot or cold? Where does it stop? By observing the sensation, you prove to your brain that you can tolerate and observe distress.
Grounding Breath (Long Exhale): The exhale is the power button for the Parasympathetic system. Inhale for a count of 4, hold 1, exhale for a count of 6.
Repeat 5 times. This lengthens the exhale, which is the direct signal to your Vagus Nerve to activate the "braking" system and regulate your heart rate.
Resourcing/Safe Place Imagery: Our brain needs an anchor for safety. Remember a time or place you felt deeply safe, calm, and settled (even a small moment in nature, or a room).
Visualize it vividly for 30 seconds. Feel the qualities of safety entering your body. This primes your nervous system toward regulation before you engage with triggers.
Meeting Pain with Curiosity Using IFS
Grief and trauma fragment the self into "Parts" that carry the burden of pain.
Using the IFS model, we can meet these parts with compassion instead of trying to silence them.
Meet the Triggered Part:
When you feel activated (rage, deep sadness, or a pull to isolate), pause and ask: “Which part of me is activated right now?” It might be the Younger Self who lost someone, the Protector who’s been carrying everything, or the Judge who says "I shouldn't be feeling this."
Be Curious, Not Critical:
Ask the Part: “What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid will happen if you stop?” The goal is to understand the Part’s positive, protective intention (e.g., “I’m isolating so you don’t get hurt again”).
Offer Care to the Part:
Say: “Thank you for protecting me. I see you’re scared, and I’m here now.” This relational stance allows the nervous system to relax a bit, shifting from isolated survival to connected internal care. The ultimate message is: You don't have to carry this alone.
Somatic Pendulation and Titration
When strong emotions or traumatic memories come up, we often get stuck or overwhelmed.
These tools help the nervous system process in small, manageable doses.
Pendulation
The nervous system naturally moves between activation and calm. You can facilitate this. Feel the wave of emotion (30–60 seconds, or until it feels too big), then deliberately shift your focus to something soothing (a grounding breath, a safe place imagery, a neutral object).
Alternate between the feeling of distress and the feeling of resource. This helps your system integrate the experience rather than get stuck in shock or overwhelm.
Titration
If a memory or trigger is too big, break it into small pieces. This is called lowering the dose. Instead of diving into full grief in one go, allow your system small, controlled exposures and then immediately rest.
Ex: look at a photo for 10 seconds, then immediately do your grounding breath. Over time, you build the capacity to tolerate and process the full intensity.
Pre-Holiday Planning & Boundaries
Boundaries are not selfish acts; they are crucial self-protection measures that reduce the nervous system's activation load.
Map Your Calendar and Capacity:
Highlight the dates that feel harder (gatherings, toasts, traditions). Mark time for yourself before and after every social commitment. Never schedule back-to-back intense events.
Create a Non-Negotiable Exit Plan:
If you’re attending an event, have a code word with a trusted friend, have an early leave time, or decide you’ll bring a comfort item. Knowing you have a physical way out pre-emptively calms the flight response.
Communicate Your Needs (The Boundary Script):
State your needs clearly and concisely. You do not need to over-explain. Scripts: "I will be there for 90 minutes, I need to keep it brief," or "I'm healing right now and need to skip the annual toast. Thank you for respecting that."
Plan in Restorative Practices:
Post-gathering, schedule something purely nurturing: a walk, favorite dessert, nap, journal time, warm bath. Give your nervous system the rest it needs to complete the stress cycle.
Moving Through the Season with Grief
You don’t need to “beat” grief or “get over” it to participate in the holiday festivity.
We can move with grief. Let it be part of your holiday rhythm, even if it doesn't feel like the "right" part.
Holding Both Joy and Sorrow
The biggest myth about grief is that you must choose between pain and peace.
You can hold joy and sorrow at the same time. It's possible to cry deeply one moment and laugh genuinely the next.
The presence of one doesn’t cancel the other, it makes us fully human. When our nervous system knows it’s allowed to feel both, it relaxes the rigid survival patterns that enforce emotional repression.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes.
Celebrate the Person/Relationship You Lost
Integrating the loss is an active choice that helps the nervous system adapt.
Create a Mini Ritual
Instead of avoiding the pain, consciously honor your loss. Light a special candle, say a few words, or look at a photo.
If your grief is relational (estranged parent), honor the relationship you wished you had by writing a letter and burning it. This helps your system integrate the loss rather than have it hijack you.
Invite the Memory in a Manageable Dose
Prepare a dish they loved, play one song they cherished. You are not trying to recreate or replace them. You’re simply acknowledging their lasting imprint on your life, which is a powerful form of acknowledgment and healing.
Use Community
You don’t have to do this alone. Isolation is a dangerous nervous system state.
Whether it’s a therapist, support group, trusted friend, or grief-informed community: let other people hold you.
When your nervous system knows you’re not the only one carrying this, the burden lightens. Call your person when you're overwhelmed, even just to say, "I'm here, and this is hard."
Practice Daily Re-entry
The holiday whirlwind often pulls us away from ourself.
Each day, carve five minutes to “come back in” to yourself. Could be a body scan, journaling: “What did I feel today? What did I want to avoid? What small kindness did I allow myself?”
These micro-check-ins help you stay connected to your own internal experience rather than getting swept away by the tide of external demands.
When to Seek Professional Support
There may be moments when you notice: “This is bigger than usual.”
Your system may go into a massive protective effort, resulting in panicky feelings, numbness, dissociation, or emotional outbursts.
This is when your body is telling you that the emotional burden is too much to carry alone.
Red Flags That Signal Overwhelm
It's crucial to distinguish between intense grief and a system that is in crisis.
Please treat these as signals that require external support:
Inability to sleep or eat for multiple days.
Feeling permanently “shut down” or numb (chronic dissociation).
Inability to experience any pleasure or connection (anhedonia).
Extreme isolation or withdrawal from life.
Repeated heavy drinking, substance abuse, or other dangerous avoidant behaviors.
Plans of self-harm or escape.
What to Do When the Alarm Rings
Stop and Ground: Pause all activity. Breathe. Orient to the present (using the "Orienting and Scanning" tool from Section 3). Use safe place imagery.
Body First Care: Treat your body as a priority. Gentle movement (a short walk, simple stretch), water, warmth (blanket, bath), and rest.
Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish mental from physical pain; treat both with equal care.
Return to Small Resources: Use a soothing phrase (“I am safe now”), look at a photo that grounds you, or hold a soothing object.
Even five minutes counts.
Reach Out If Needed: Contact your therapist, your ally, a crisis line, or a trusted professional if the tools you have are not creating more safety.
Your nervous system is in overdrive, and you'll recover quicker with support.
Grief and trauma are powerful, but help exists, and you deserve support.
Integrating the Holidays
Once the holidays pass, treat yourself kindly. Your nervous system does not instantly “reset.”
You created movement, you honored grief, and you potentially stepped into new territory.
That work is worth acknowledging.
Acknowledge Your Wins
Celebrate the small moments where you were successful. You showed up, you named your needs, you used a somatic tool, you allowed yourself to cry. These small wins build resilience.
Reflect, Don't Judge
Schedule time to review the season. What felt worse than expected? What helped more than you thought? Use this info to inform your boundaries for the rest of the year.
Calendar Check-in
Choose one day soon after the holidays to rest intentionally. Not because there’s "work" to do, but because you are choosing to honor your tired system.
Continue the Practice
The trauma/grief nervous-system work doesn't end when the calendar turns. Continue to use your somatic tools through January and February. Skills grow with use. Healing isn't just using tools, it's a practice.
In Closing
If you feel alone this holiday season, know this: you’re not the only one who finds this time heavy, even if everything “looks” fine on the outside.
You deserve a holiday season that acknowledges your loss and your resilience.
You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to “get over it.” You can feel safe, you can feel anchored, and you can feel both sorrow and warmth.
You can honour what’s been lost and still find moments of connection, meaning, maybe even peace.
Your nervous system doesn’t have to carry the story alone.
If this season feels heavier than you can carry alone, therapy can help you move gently through grief and nervous system overwhelm.
