Understanding Divorce When You're Neurodivergent: Challenges and Support
Going through a divorce is tough, no matter who you are.
But if you're neurodivergent – maybe you identify as autistic, have Asperger's (please note this term is not really in my vocabulary, but some folks describe themselves as such), or are otherwise neurodivergent – you could be facing a set of challenges that others around you don't fully grasp.
This space is for you.
Your experience is valid, and understanding the specific hurdles you might encounter is the first step in navigating this difficult transition.
Disruption of Routine in Divorce
One of the biggest impacts of divorce for many of us is the sheer disruption of routine and sameness.
You might rely on established schedules and predictable patterns to feel secure and in control.
Divorce throws all of that into chaos, with changes in where you live, your daily activities, and even who you see regularly.
For an autistic person, the day might be meticulously structured, with specific times for meals, work, and even leisure activities.
The divorce can shatter this predictable framework. For instance, if Tuesday evenings were always spent watching a specific show with your partner, the absence of this ritual can trigger significant anxiety and a feeling of being adrift.
Even seemingly small changes, like a different route to work due to a new living arrangement, can be profoundly destabilizing.
Remember, it's okay to feel intensely overwhelmed by these changes. Focus on slowly building new routines that bring some predictability back into your life.
Communication during a divorce can be a minefield.
Neurodivergent communication styles can differ significantly from neurotypical ones.
You might prefer direct, factual language, which can sometimes be misinterpreted.
Imagine trying to understand the nuances of a legal negotiation.
While your ex-partner's lawyer might use subtle, indirect language hinting at a desired outcome, you might take their words at face value, missing crucial underlying messages.
This can lead to tension, misunderstandings, extreme frustration, and feelings of being taken advantage of.
Similarly, expressing your own emotions directly might be perceived as blunt, rude, or insensitive by neurotypical individuals involved in the process.
Navigating emotional conversations, understanding unspoken social cues, and participating in negotiations can feel incredibly draining and confusing.
It’s important to advocate for your communication needs and obtain competent legal help.
Consider asking for things in writing, taking breaks during difficult conversations, or having a trusted friend or advocate help you process what's being said.
The sensory environment around you is likely changing too.
Moving to a new place, dealing with different sounds, lights, and smells, and the absence of familiar sensory comforts from your previous home can be really unsettling.
The emotional stress of divorce can also make you more sensitive to sensory input.
Prioritize creating a new space that feels safe and comfortable for your senses.
Don't hesitate to use things like blackout curtains, noise-canceling headphones, or weighted blankets to help regulate your environment.
The emotions that come with divorce can be intense and confusing.
You might feel sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief, sometimes all at once. Processing these emotions can be different for neurodivergent individuals.
You might need more time to process things, or you might express your emotions in ways that others don't expect.
It's okay to feel things deeply, and it's also okay if your emotional response doesn't fit the "typical" mold.
Find ways to process these feelings, whether it's through engaging in a special interest, spending time alone to decompress, or talking to someone who understands you.
Navigating the social aspects of divorce can also be tricky.
Explaining the situation to friends, family, and even acquaintances can feel overwhelming.
Being asked by a neighbor at the mailbox, 'So, how are things going with the divorce?' can feel like an impossible question to answer.
You might struggle with knowing how much personal information to share, feeling overwhelmed by the expectation of a “socially appropriate” response, and worry about potential judgment or misunderstanding.
You might prefer to avoid such interactions altogether, leading to increased social isolation during an already difficult time.
Remember, you don't owe anyone all the details.
Share what feels comfortable for you and lean on the people in your life who are truly supportive and understanding.
Your interests and routines can be a lifeline during this time.
Don't underestimate the comfort and stability that hobbies and interests can provide. Make time for the activities that bring you joy and a sense of normalcy.
These can be even more powerful when everything else feels uncertain.
If you have children and are navigating co-parenting, there will be additional complexities.
When co-parenting, you might rely on clear, logical instructions might struggle while your ex-partner uses more flexible or emotionally driven parenting approaches.
This can lead to disagreements about schedules, discipline, and even communication with the children.
Establishing very specific, written agreements about schedules, responsibilities, and communication protocols becomes even more vital to minimize misunderstandings and ensure the well-being of the children.
Navigating the Therapeutic Process: Common Missteps and Advocating for Your Needs
Seeking therapy during a divorce is a sign of strength, and finding a therapist who truly understands and affirms your neurodiversity is crucial for a positive and helpful experience.
Unfortunately, many therapists are not great at supporting neurodivergent clients.
There is a lack of understanding and old ideas of neurodivergence as a disorder that needs to be treated.
There are missteps that occur in the therapeutic process that neurodivergent clients bear the brunt of.
Recognizing these potential pitfalls can empower you to advocate for your unique needs.
Client Challenges:
Difficulty Articulating Needs: You might struggle to articulate complex emotional experiences or specific needs in a way that a neurotypical therapist readily understands. This can lead to feeling unheard or misunderstood.
Feeling Misunderstood: Your preference for direct, literal communication might be misinterpreted by a therapist who relies more on implied meanings or social cues. You might feel judged for being "blunt" or "insensitive" when you are simply being clear.
Sensory Overload: The therapy environment itself might present sensory challenges. Bright fluorescent lights, distracting noises, or uncomfortable seating can make it difficult to focus, process information, and engage fully in the session.
Abstract Language or Metaphors: Therapy often involves exploring abstract concepts or using metaphors to understand emotions. If you process information more concretely, this type of language can be confusing or unhelpful.
Pressure to Engage in Social Norms: You might feel pressured to engage in social niceties or extended periods of small talk at the beginning or end of sessions, which can be draining and feel inauthentic.
Open-Ended Questions: While open-ended questions are common in therapy, they can feel overwhelming without sufficient structure or context. You might struggle with knowing where to start or how to organize your thoughts.
Therapist Missteps:
Misinterpreting Directness as Rudeness: An untrained therapist might misinterpret your directness as being rude, confrontational, or lacking in empathy.
Overlooking Sensory Sensitivities: A therapist might not inquire about potential sensory sensitivities in the therapy environment and how these might be impacting your ability to engage.
Expecting Neurotypical Expression: Therapists might expect you to express grief or other emotions in ways that align with neurotypical presentations, overlooking or misinterpreting your unique emotional responses.
Using Abstract Language: A therapist might rely heavily on metaphors without providing concrete examples.
Lack of Clear Structure : Therapy sessions that lack a clear structure or agenda can feel overwhelming and unproductive for neurodivergent clients who often benefit from predictability.
Focusing on "Fitting In": A therapist might focus on helping you "fit in" to neurotypical social norms rather than validating your experience and your authentic self.
Not Accommodating Different Processing Speeds: Neurodivergent individuals may process information at a different pace. A therapist might move too quickly through topics or not allow sufficient time for you to formulate your thoughts and responses.
Advocating for Your Needs in Therapy
You have the right to a therapeutic experience that meets your unique needs.
Here are some ways you can advocate for yourself:
Be Direct About Your Communication Style: At the beginning of therapy, explain that you prefer direct and literal communication. Let your therapist know that you might miss implied meanings and that you appreciate clarity.
Communicate Your Sensory Needs: If the therapy environment is overwhelming, don't hesitate to ask for adjustments, such as dimming the lights, reducing noise, or taking breaks if needed.
Ask for Concrete Explanations: If your therapist uses abstract language or metaphors that you don't understand, ask for concrete examples or alternative ways of explaining the concept.
Request Structure and Agendas: If you find open-ended sessions overwhelming, ask your therapist if they would be willing to provide a brief agenda at the beginning of each session or to focus on specific topics.
Let Your Therapist Know Your Processing Speed: If you need more time to think or respond, communicate this to your therapist. It's okay to ask for a moment to gather your thoughts.
Provide Feedback: If something your therapist says or does feels unhelpful or invalidating, provide honest feedback. This helps them understand your perspective and adjust their approach.
Seek a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist: If you consistently feel misunderstood or your needs are not being met, consider seeking out a therapist who specifically identifies as neurodiversity-affirming or has experience working with neurodivergent clients.
You can help co-create a more positive and effective therapeutic experience as you navigate the complexities of divorce.
Remember, self-compassion is key.
Be kind and patient with yourself during this transition. You are navigating a significant life change on top of the everyday challenges of being neurodivergent.
Your experience might look different from others, and that's okay. Difference is real and it deserves to be treated with equity.
A Note on Language: You might hear the term "Asperger's" used. While this term is part of the history of autism understanding, many prefer the term "autistic." Read a little more here.
