Why You Can't Control Your Thoughts (And What to Do Instead)
"I can’t get these thoughts out of my head!"
"How do I stop the thoughts?"
"Once I can control my thoughts and feelings, I will finally feel better."
"I try so hard to fight the thoughts, but things are still the same."
As a trauma therapist, I've heard all of the above and more from people in my office, and chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve said something similar to yourself.
It's the silent scream we hold inside when our own minds turn against us. The feeling of being a prisoner in your own head, held captive by a relentless stream of worries, self-doubt, and anxious "what-ifs."
You believe that if you could just win this internal war, everything would be okay. That if you could just find the right technique to shut off the noise, peace would follow.
I want to offer you a different perspective, one that might feel counterintuitive at first.
The very act of trying to stop your thoughts is the reason you feel so stuck.
You can’t control your thoughts because thoughts are not something you can choose. They are not a switch you can flip on or off. They just happen. They pop into your head uninvited, like a spam email or a commercial you can’t skip. The truth is, the more you try to fight them, the more power you give them.
Think of it like this: Imagine you're standing in a quiet room, and I tell you, "Whatever you do, don't think about a pink elephant." What's the first thing that pops into your mind? A pink elephant, of course. Your mind can’t process a negative command.
The act of "not thinking" about something requires you to first think about it. It’s a mental trap, a self-defeating cycle that leaves you exhausted and convinced you're failing.
This is the central myth of thought control—the belief that our minds are a battlefield where we must constantly fight and win. But what if your mind isn't a battlefield? What if it’s more like the sky? The thoughts, feelings, and worries that come and go are just clouds passing through. You don’t have to grab onto every cloud, inspect it, and try to make it disappear.
You can simply notice it, acknowledge its presence, and then let it drift on by.
The real work isn't in fighting the thoughts but in changing your relationship with them.
You can't control what thoughts pop into your head, but you can absolutely control how you react to them.
This is the difference between being a victim of your mind and being the observer of it.
The Unspoken Burdens: The Thoughts We Hide
When people are in the throes of these relentless thoughts, they’re often worried about things they don’t dare to speak aloud. We live in a society that values strength, positivity, and having it all together. This creates an environment where certain worries feel shameful or too heavy to share. These unspoken burdens silently compound the distress, making us feel more isolated and alone.
Here are a few things that you might be worried about but don't talk about, which end up fueling the internal monologue you're so desperate to stop:
Your Mental Health
Mental health is just as important as physical health, but it’s often shrouded in secrecy and fear of judgment. You might worry that you're "crazy" or "broken" because you can't just snap out of a low mood or stop a panic attack. The fear of being seen as "weak" can keep you from reaching out, and the silence only reinforces the idea that you’re struggling alone.
This worry isn't just about the current moment - it's about a deep-seated fear that you will never feel normal or whole again.
Your Relationships
Relationships are messy, complex, and full of unspoken expectations. We might be worried about our partners, friends, or family but feel we can't burden them with our problems.
We worry about being too needy, or we silently resent the people we love for not understanding what we're going through. The thoughts that swirl in our minds are often worst-case scenarios: "What if they leave me?" "What if I'm too much for them?" "What if I'm not good enough?" This quiet worry can create a distance between you and the people who could offer support, leaving you to fight your internal battles by yourself.
Your Finances
Money is a major stressor for so many people, yet it’s one of the last things we talk about openly. The shame around financial struggles is immense. We worry about not being able to provide for our families, the fear of losing our home, or the guilt of not being "successful" enough to have a comfortable life.
These worries become a constant undercurrent of anxiety that impacts our decisions, our relationships, and our sense of self-worth. They are the thoughts that keep us awake at night, the ones we never admit to because we're afraid of being judged or seen as a failure.
Your Future
The future can feel like a vast, dark ocean of uncertainty. We worry about making the wrong career choice, about our health declining, about whether we'll ever achieve our dreams. The pressure to have a "plan" can be immense, and the fear of not knowing what comes next can be paralyzing.
This kind of worry is a mental time machine that constantly pulls you out of the present moment and into a fictional, often negative, future. It's a way of trying to predict and control what's to come, but it only succeeds in stealing the peace of today.
If you're worried about something, it's important to talk to someone you trust. It could be a friend, family member, therapist, or anyone else who you feel comfortable talking to. Talking about your worries can help you to feel better, and it can also help you to get the support you need.
The Myth of "Solving It" with Worry
Many of us believe that worrying is a productive activity. We tell ourselves, "If I worry about it enough, I'll be prepared for the worst." Or, "Worrying means I care."
We think it's a form of mental preparation, a way to prevent disaster.
But this is a cognitive illusion. Worrying doesn't make you prepared - it makes you exhausted. It doesn't solve anything. In fact, it often makes things worse.
Let's break down the reasons why you should stop listening to the belief that your worries are helping you:
1. Worrying Doesn't Solve Anything
It's a low-energy, high-cost habit. It's easy to get caught up in worrying about things that might happen, but this emotional labor doesn't actually make those things less likely to happen. In fact, worrying can make things worse by making you feel stressed and anxious, which can cloud your judgment and interfere with your ability to take real, tangible action. The time you spend worrying about the future is time you could have spent being present, problem-solving, or finding a moment of peace.
2. Worrying Creates Negative Thoughts and Feelings
When you worry, you're more likely to have negative thoughts about yourself, your future, and the world around you. This is the spiral effect. A small worry about an upcoming work presentation can turn into a belief that you're going to fail, which can then morph into the conviction that you're a fraud and will be fired. These negative thoughts and feelings are not an accurate reflection of reality - they are a byproduct of the worry itself, trapping you in a cycle of sadness, anxiety, and self-doubt.
3. Worrying Steals Your Ability to Function
Have you ever been so caught up in a worry that you couldn't focus on anything else? Worrying drains your mental resources. This can make it difficult to do your work, focus on your children, or enjoy your hobbies. It can also make it hard to sleep and relax, which then exacerbates the worry, creating a vicious loop of fatigue and anxiety. A New Path Forward: Intentional Living, Not Fighting
The alternative to fighting your thoughts isn't to be a passive victim.
It's to become intentional about your relationship with your worries.
This is about learning to sit with your thoughts and feelings without letting them control you. It's about finding ways to create space between you and your anxiety, so you can respond instead of reacting.
Here are a few tips to help you get started on this new path:
1. Identify and Name Your Worries
The first step to managing your worries is to name them. When a thought pops into your head that triggers anxiety, instead of getting swept away by it, try to notice it and identify it.
You can even try externalizing it.
Write it down in a journal. The simple act of putting a name to a worry—"I am worried about my finances" or "I am having the thought that I am not a good enough parent"—can create a small but crucial separation. This is not about fighting the thought - it's about acknowledging its presence without accepting it as absolute truth.
2. Challenge Your Thoughts (with Curiosity, Not Judgment)
When a negative thought arises, your first instinct is to either believe it or fight it.
Instead, try a different approach: challenge it with curiosity. Ask yourself: "Is this thought a fact or a feeling?" "What evidence do I have that this is true?" "Is there another way of looking at this situation?" This isn't about telling yourself you're wrong - it's about gently questioning the validity of your worry. For example, if you have the thought, "I am a total failure," you can ask, "Is there any evidence that I am not a total failure?"
This allows you to explore other perspectives without getting into a mental argument.
3. Focus on the Present Moment
Worry is a future-based emotion. It constantly pulls you out of the "now" and into a speculative future.
The best way to combat this is to intentionally ground yourself in the present. Try to engage your five senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel right now? This simple exercise can pull you out of the abstract world of worry and into the concrete reality of the present moment.
Other ways to practice this include mindful breathing, taking a walk and paying attention to your surroundings, or spending time with someone you love.
4. Seek Professional Help
If you’re struggling to manage your worries, it's important to seek professional help.
A therapist can help you to identify your worry patterns, challenge your thoughts, and develop concrete, practical coping mechanisms. We can teach you the skills to sit with your discomfort without being consumed by it.
Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness - it's a sign of strength and a commitment to your own well-being.
It means you're ready to stop fighting and start healing.
The Tools of Transformation: How Therapy Can Help
The journey from being consumed by your thoughts to becoming the intentional observer is often supported by specific therapeutic modalities—powerful tools designed to help you process trauma and find lasting peace.
A skilled therapist doesn't just talk to you - they guide you using a map that is tailored to your unique experiences. Here are a few of the approaches that can help you finally make sense of what's happening inside your mind and body.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Think of your mind not as a single entity, but as a small community of "parts," each with its own intentions and feelings. In an IFS session, we work together to get to know these parts. There's the part of you that worries, the part that feels shame, and the part that tries to protect you by shutting down.
The goal isn't to get rid of any of these parts, but to listen to them with compassion and curiosity. By understanding what they need and why they are acting the way they are, you can lead with a sense of calm, confident Self, bringing healing to your entire inner system. This work is about creating harmony within, so your parts no longer have to yell at you through anxious or intrusive thoughts.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
When you can’t "get these thoughts out of your head," it's often because they are tied to unprocessed memories. EMDR is a powerful, evidence-based therapy that helps your brain naturally reprocess traumatic events. During a session, you'll focus on a distressing memory while following a set of bilateral (side-to-side) eye movements or sounds.
This process helps your brain move the memory from a state of emotional charge to a state of resolution, as if the memory is being properly filed away. The result is that the memory no longer holds the same power, and the anxious thoughts, feelings, and sensations associated with it lose their intensity.
Brainspotting
Similar to EMDR, Brainspotting is a therapy that connects with your brain’s natural ability to heal from trauma. It's built on the idea that "where you look affects how you feel." When you have a traumatic memory or a persistent worry, there is often a specific "brainspot," or eye position, that holds the emotional charge of that experience.
In a session, we identify this spot, and as you hold your gaze, the brain's deep processing systems are activated. This allows for a deeper, more focused release of the trauma and emotional pain. Brainspotting is particularly effective for those who feel physically "stuck" in a state of hypervigilance or anxiety, as it allows the body to release what it's been holding onto.
Somatic Therapy
The body holds the score. When you're overwhelmed by thoughts, you often feel it physically—a tight chest, a knot in your stomach, or a racing heart. Somatic therapy is an approach that focuses on the mind-body connection to help you process and release trauma stored in your nervous system. In a session, we pay close attention to the sensations in your body as you talk about an experience.
We might notice where you feel tension, warmth, or tingling. By gently bringing your awareness to these physical sensations, you can learn to regulate your nervous system and release the old energy that is keeping you in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. This work is less about talking and more about learning to listen to the language of your body.
No single therapy is a magic bullet, and the right approach is as unique as you are.
The beauty of working with a trauma-informed therapist is that they act as your guide, helping you choose the right tools for your unique healing journey.
It's about finding the language your mind and body need to finally make peace with the past and find freedom in the present.
Stop Fighting and Start Healing
Reading this far is a huge step.
It means you're tired of being a prisoner in your own mind, and you're ready to find a new way forward. The truth is, you don’t have to figure out how to stop fighting your thoughts alone.
You don't have to navigate this path of worry, anxiety, and trauma in silence.
The journey from being controlled by your thoughts to becoming the observer of them is one of the most powerful journeys you can take. It’s a journey I am honored to guide people through every single day.
If you’re ready to stop the endless battle and finally find peace, the next step is to talk to someone who can help you build the skills you need.
Let’s start the conversation.
Click here to schedule a free, 15-minute consultation with me.
We'll talk about what you're struggling with and create a clear, personalized plan to help you reclaim your peace of mind. Your healing journey is waiting.
