Why am I so scared of myself? [Mens Trauma]

As a trauma therapist, I get these questions from clients all of the time:

“Why am I afraid of myself? Why do I lose control at the first hint of disrespect or anger? Why can’t I control this caged animal inside of me?”

When you've experienced trauma, it's common to develop a strong urge to avoid anything that reminds you of the traumatic event. This avoidance is a way of protecting yourself from the distressing memories and intense emotions associated with the trauma. It's completely natural to want to shield yourself from the overwhelming pain and discomfort that can arise when confronting these experiences.

It can be helpful in the short-term, but eventually negatively impacts your mood, relationships, and functioning.

One aspect of avoidance is avoiding your own emotions. After trauma, the emotions can feel overwhelming, and it's understandable to develop a fear of fully engaging with them.

There might be a belief that allowing yourself to experience these emotions will lead to being overwhelmed, losing control, or being consumed by their intensity.

Avoidance can have a profound impact on how you perceive and relate to yourself, and it can contribute to a fear of yourself.

When you actively avoid anything that reminds you of the trauma, you're not only avoiding external triggers but also parts of yourself. It's as if you're creating a barrier between you and those aspects of your experience that feel too overwhelming or distressing.

You may find yourself becoming afraid of your own thoughts, feelings, and memories. It's understandable to feel apprehensive about delving into these inner realms because they hold the potential to bring forth the intense emotions associated with the trauma. You might worry that allowing yourself to fully engage with your thoughts or memories will unleash a flood of overwhelming feelings that you're not ready or equipped to handle.

You become scared of your sadness, scared of your scared, scared of your anger, scared of your joy.

Trauma can deeply impact how you perceive yourself and your sense of identity. If the traumatic event involved feelings of betrayal, guilt, or shame, it's common to develop a fear of your own emotional responses.

You may question your own worthiness, feel disconnected from your authentic self, or fear that your emotions make you "broken" or "damaged."

The experience of trauma can erode your trust in yourself and the world around you. This loss of trust extends to your own emotions. There might be a fear that fully acknowledging and experiencing your emotions will result in a loss of control, unpredictability, or even a reactivation of the pain associated with the trauma.

It can leave you feeling unsafe within yourself.

Moreover, the fear of becoming triggered and experiencing a flashback can also contribute to this fear of yourself. Flashbacks are like a vivid and intrusive re-experiencing of the traumatic event, and they can be distressing and disorienting.

The fear of being triggered can make you hesitant to engage with anything that might lead to a resurgence of those painful memories and sensations.

As a result, you might become wary of situations, people, or even your own internal experiences that could potentially trigger such overwhelming responses.

It's important to recognize that these fears and apprehensions are normal responses to the trauma you've endured. They are part of your brain's way of trying to protect you from re-experiencing the pain and distress associated with the traumatic event.

It’s also crucial to acknowledge that in order to heal and move forward, it's necessary to confront and process these challenging aspects of yourself.

Recognizing that your fear of yourself and your emotions is a common response to trauma is an important step. You deserve compassion and support. Seeking the help of a trauma-informed therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to navigate these emotions.

Therapy can gradually help you learn to regulate your emotions, rebuild trust in yourself, and develop a healthier relationship with your emotional experiences.

Remember, your emotions are valid, and no emotion or feeling is bad.

Why are men especially affected by fear of feelings?

Conditioning and Societal Expectations: Men are often socialized to suppress or downplay their emotions. They may have been taught that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. This conditioning can make it challenging for them to feel comfortable with and express their emotions openly.

Fear of Losing Control: Traumatic experiences can create a sense of powerlessness and loss of control. Men may fear that if they allow themselves to fully experience and express their emotions, they will be overwhelmed or lose control over their thoughts and actions.

Negative Associations: Men may have associated their emotions with the traumatic event itself. The pain, fear, or distress experienced during the trauma can become linked to your emotional responses, leading to a fear of re-experiencing those intense emotions.

Avoidance and Self-Protection: Emotions can serve as powerful triggers, bringing back memories and sensations associated with trauma. You may fear that by acknowledging and engaging with your emotions, you will be forced to confront painful memories or experiences you have been trying to avoid.

Lack of Emotional Awareness and Regulation: Some men may have limited experience or understanding of their own emotions. You may struggle to identify, label, and effectively regulate your feelings, which can lead to a sense of fear or uncertainty when confronted with intense emotional states.

Stigma and Shame: Men may face societal stigma and internalized shame when it comes to seeking help or expressing vulnerability. You may fear judgment or rejection if you allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, leading to a reluctance to explore and share your emotions.

Powerlessness and Trauma

When trauma strikes, it can leave you with a giant sense of powerlessness and a loss of control over your own life. This loss of control may extend to your emotions, creating a fear that fully allowing yourself to experience and express your emotions could lead to an overwhelming loss of control over your thoughts, actions, or even your identity.

Men are especially affected by the need to be in control.

The societal expectations placed on men reinforce the belief that control is synonymous with strength and success. From a young age, boys are often taught to be in charge, take charge, and be self-reliant.

This cultural conditioning can create a deep-seated desire to maintain control in all aspects of life. It becomes ingrained that demonstrating control is a demonstration of masculinity and competence.

It's natural to want to maintain a sense of stability and a firm grip on your life, especially after enduring traumatic experiences that made you feel vulnerable and helpless. In an effort to protect yourself, you may find yourself suppressing or avoiding emotions altogether.

You may worry that if you allow yourself to fully experience and express your emotions, they will consume you and take over every aspect of your being.

Amazingly though, they won’t.

It's important to recognize that emotions, even the intense ones, are a natural and essential part of being human. Emotions are not meant to control you but to provide valuable information and guidance. By avoiding or suppressing your emotions, you may inadvertently deny yourself the opportunity to heal and grow.

Regaining a sense of control doesn't mean suppressing or denying your emotions.

It means cultivating the awareness and skills to navigate your emotions with intention and self-compassion.

Traumatic events can shatter your sense of safety and agency, leaving behind deep emotional scars. In an effort to shield yourself from further harm, you may have developed a strong need for control as a way to cope. It's natural to believe that by exerting control over your environment and emotions, you can prevent future traumas from occurring.

This need for control becomes a means to regain a sense of power and security, offering a semblance of stability in the midst of chaos.

However, it's important to recognize that while control may provide temporary relief, true healing and growth come from exploring the underlying wounds and finding healthier ways to navigate life's uncertainties.

The Brain’s Inclination to Heal

Our brains have this healing and adaptive potential, naturally.

Why?

Neuronal Connections: The brain is composed of billions of neurons (nerve cells) that communicate with each other through connections called synapses. This allows the brain to adapt and reorganize its neural networks to support new learning or overcome challenges.

Neural Rewiring: Neuroplasticity enables the brain to create new pathways and reroute information. This rewiring can occur in response to trauma, allowing the brain to find alternative pathways and strategies to process and regulate emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Learning and Experience: Learning and experience play a significant role in neuroplasticity. When we engage in new experiences, acquire new knowledge, or practice certain skills, our brains undergo structural and functional changes. These changes reflect the brain's ability to adapt and optimize its circuits to better handle specific tasks or situations.

Rehabilitation and Therapy: Therapy and rehabilitation interventions can harness the brain's neuroplasticity to promote healing and recovery. Through targeted therapeutic approaches, such as trauma-focused therapies, mindfulness practices, or somatic interventions, you can rewire your neural networks and reprocess traumatic memories.

Environmental Enrichment: The environment we live in can also impact neuroplasticity. Engaging in stimulating and enriching activities, maintaining social connections, and leading a healthy lifestyle all contribute to a supportive environment for brain health and neuroplasticity. These factors help create a positive feedback loop where brain changes support further growth and adaptation.

Take a chance on yourself and lean into your ability to recover.

Schedule a free 15-min intro phone call with me to see if trauma therapy could help you.