Why Am I So Scared of Myself? A Guide to Trauma and Fear of Self
As a trauma therapist, I hear versions of this question all the time:
“Why am I afraid of myself? Why do I lose control at the first hint of disrespect or anger? Why can’t I control this caged animal inside of me?”
These questions come from a place of deep pain and confusion.
They reflect a feeling that a part of you is a stranger, a force you cannot trust and cannot control. You feel like a passive passenger in your own life, held hostage by reactions and emotions that feel overwhelming and unpredictable.
This isn't a flaw in your character - it’s a direct and powerful symptom of trauma that has left its mark on your nervous system. You aren't "bad" or "broken" - you are a human being whose biology has been fundamentally changed by a past experience.
When you've experienced trauma, it's common to develop a strong urge to avoid anything that reminds you of the traumatic event.
This avoidance is a natural, protective mechanism.
It's your brain's way of trying to shield you from the distressing memories and intense emotions that could arise.
In the short term, this feels helpful. You avoid a painful memory or a triggering situation, and your nervous system takes a breath.
But in the long run, this strategy has a high cost.
It can lead to emotional numbness, strained relationships, and a deep sense of disconnection from your own life.
One of the most insidious forms of this avoidance is avoiding your own emotions. After trauma, emotions can feel overwhelming—like a tidal wave threatening to drown you. It's completely understandable to develop a fear of fully engaging with them.
You may have a subconscious belief that allowing yourself to feel will lead to being completely overwhelmed, losing control, or being consumed by their intensity.
This avoidance creates a psychological barrier, not just to the outside world, but to your own inner world.
The Fear of Your Own Emotions
Avoidance has a negative impact on how you perceive and relate to yourself, and it contributes directly to a deep-seated fear of yourself.
When you actively avoid anything that reminds you of the trauma, you're not just avoiding external triggers—you're also avoiding parts of yourself.
It's as if you're creating a barrier between you and those aspects of your experience that feel too overwhelming or distressing.
You may find yourself becoming afraid of your own thoughts, feelings, and memories. It's understandable to feel apprehensive about delving into these inner realms because they hold the potential to bring forth the intense emotions associated with the trauma.
You might worry that allowing yourself to fully engage with your thoughts or memories will unleash a flood of overwhelming feelings that you're not ready or equipped to handle.
This can lead to a fear of your full emotional spectrum:
You become scared of your sadness.
You worry that if you allow yourself to feel sad, you'll fall into a depression you can't escape. So you push it down, distracting yourself with work or other activities, believing that if you never feel it, it can't hurt you. But sadness, when unmet, often turns into a pervasive, low-grade depression.
You become scared of your fear.
You see fear as a sign of weakness. You tell yourself to "be strong," so you push down any feelings of anxiety or vulnerability. But this only makes your nervous system more vigilant and keeps you in a state of hyperarousal.
You become scared of your anger.
You may believe that anger is dangerous, destructive, or "bad." You fear that if you get angry, you'll lose control and lash out. So you suppress it until it bursts out in an uncontrollable rage, confirming your fear.
You become scared of your joy.
You may be so used to a state of emotional numbness or guardedness that joy feels foreign and even threatening. You might feel a pang of guilt or a sense of dread when you feel happy, as if you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Trauma can deeply impact how you perceive yourself and your sense of identity.
If the traumatic event involved feelings of betrayal, guilt, or shame, it's common to develop a fear of your own emotional responses. You may question your own worthiness, feel disconnected from your authentic self, or fear that your emotions make you "broken" or "damaged."
The experience of trauma can erode your trust in yourself and the world around you. This loss of trust extends to your own emotions. There might be a fear that fully acknowledging and experiencing your emotions will result in a loss of control, unpredictability, or even a reactivation of the pain associated with the trauma. This can leave you feeling unsafe within yourself.
Flashbacks and the Fear of the Past in the Present
Moreover, the fear of becoming triggered and experiencing a flashback can also contribute to this fear of yourself. Flashbacks are not just memories - they are like a vivid and intrusive re-experiencing of the traumatic event.
Your brain gets tricked into thinking you are in that moment of danger again. They can be distressing and disorienting. The fear of being triggered can make you hesitant to engage with anything that might lead to a resurgence of those painful memories and sensations.
As a result, you might become wary of situations, people, or even your own internal experiences that could potentially trigger such overwhelming responses.
It's important to recognize that these fears and apprehensions are normal responses to the trauma you've endured. They are part of your brain's way of trying to protect you from re-experiencing the pain and distress associated with the traumatic event.
It’s also crucial to acknowledge that in order to heal and move forward, it's necessary to confront and process these challenging aspects of yourself.
Recognizing that your fear of yourself and your emotions is a common response to trauma is an important step.
You deserve compassion and support. Seeking the help of a trauma-informed therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to navigate these emotions.
Therapy can gradually help you learn to regulate your emotions, rebuild trust in yourself, and develop a healthier relationship with your emotional experiences.
Remember, your emotions are valid, and no emotion or feeling is bad.
Powerlessness and the Illusion of Control
When trauma strikes, it can leave you with a giant sense of powerlessness and a loss of control over your own life.
This loss of control may extend to your emotions, creating a fear that fully allowing yourself to experience and express your emotions could lead to an overwhelming loss of control over your thoughts, actions, or even your identity.
It is common to be especially affected by the need to be in control. Societal expectations can reinforce the belief that control is synonymous with strength and success. From a young age, we are often taught to be in charge, take charge, and be self-reliant.
This cultural conditioning can create a deep-seated desire to maintain control in all aspects of life.
It becomes ingrained that demonstrating control is a demonstration of competence and self-worth.
It's natural to want to maintain a sense of stability and a firm grip on your life, especially after enduring traumatic experiences that made you feel vulnerable and helpless.
In an effort to protect yourself, you may find yourself suppressing or avoiding emotions altogether. You may worry that if you allow yourself to fully experience and express your emotions, they will consume you and take over every aspect of your being. This is a common and understandable coping mechanism.
Amazingly though, they won’t.
It's important to recognize that emotions, even the intense ones, are a natural and essential part of being human.
Emotions are not meant to control you but to provide valuable information and guidance. By avoiding or suppressing your emotions, you may inadvertently deny yourself the opportunity to heal and grow.
This is because emotional expression is a key component of emotional processing.
When you suppress emotions, you're essentially bottling up energy that eventually has to go somewhere, often coming out as physical pain, chronic stress, or sudden outbursts.
Regaining a sense of control doesn't mean suppressing or denying your emotions.
It means cultivating the awareness and skills to navigate your emotions with intention and self-compassion.
Traumatic events can shatter your sense of safety and agency, leaving behind deep emotional scars. In an effort to shield yourself from further harm, you may have developed a strong need for control as a way to cope. It's natural to believe that by exerting control over your environment and emotions, you can prevent future traumas from occurring.
This need for control becomes a means to regain a sense of power and security, offering a semblance of stability in the midst of chaos.
However, it's important to recognize that while control may provide temporary relief, true healing and growth come from exploring the underlying wounds and finding healthier ways to navigate life's uncertainties.
The Brain’s Inclination to Heal and Neuroplasticity
It’s amazing. Our brains have a natural healing and adaptive potential. This remarkable ability is known as neuroplasticity. Think of your brain not as a rigid, unchangeable structure, but as a dynamic city with countless roads and highways.
Neuroplasticity is the city's ability to build new roads, close off old ones, or reroute traffic to new destinations. This is the biological basis for all healing and change.
Why is this important for trauma recovery?
Neuronal Connections: The brain is composed of billions of neurons (nerve cells) that communicate with each other through connections called synapses. Trauma can create deep, well-worn pathways that trigger an alarm response even when there is no danger. Neuroplasticity allows us to build new, healthier pathways.
Neural Rewiring: Neuroplasticity enables the brain to create new pathways and reroute information.
This rewiring can occur in response to trauma, allowing the brain to find alternative pathways and strategies to process and regulate emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Instead of the "fight or flight" highway being the only option, you can build a new "calm and regulated" backroad.
Learning and Experience:
Learning and experience play a significant role in neuroplasticity. When we engage in new experiences, acquire new knowledge, or practice certain skills, our brains undergo structural and functional changes.
These changes reflect the brain's ability to adapt and optimize its circuits to better handle specific tasks or situations. This is why practices like therapy and mindfulness are so effective—they are essentially training your brain to build new, healthier neural pathways.
Rehabilitation and Therapy:
Therapy and rehabilitation interventions can harness the brain's neuroplasticity to promote healing and recovery.
Through targeted therapeutic approaches, such as trauma-focused therapies, mindfulness practices, or somatic interventions, you can rewire your neural networks and reprocess traumatic memories.
Environmental Enrichment:
The environment we live in can also impact neuroplasticity. Engaging in stimulating and enriching activities, maintaining social connections, and leading a healthy lifestyle all contribute to a supportive environment for brain health and neuroplasticity.
These factors help create a positive feedback loop where brain changes support further growth and adaptation.
Practical Strategies to Reconnect with Yourself
Healing from a fear of yourself and your emotions is a gradual process. It’s not about suddenly opening the floodgates - it's about learning to dip your toes in the water.
The goal is to build a sense of safety within yourself, so that your emotions no longer feel like a threat.
Here are some simple, practical strategies to begin this journey:
Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness:
This is about observing your emotions without judgment.
When you notice a difficult feeling, don't try to push it away. Instead, simply observe it. Say to yourself, "I'm noticing a feeling of sadness in my chest," or "I'm aware of my heart racing."
This practice creates a space between you and the emotion, reminding you that you are not the emotion itself. You are the observer.
"Name It to Tame It":
Research shows that simply labeling an emotion with a word can help to calm the amygdala, the brain's fear center.
When you feel a surge of anger or fear, try to identify it. Say to yourself, "This is anger," or "This is anxiety."
Naming the emotion helps to move it from the emotional brain to the thinking brain, giving you a greater sense of control and clarity.
The Pendulation Technique:
This is a technique from Somatic Experiencing therapy. When you feel an overwhelming emotion, gently shift your attention to a neutral or pleasant sensation in your body.
For example, if you feel anxiety in your stomach, gently notice the feeling of your feet on the floor. Then, gently shift your attention back to your stomach.
By "pendulating" between the two sensations, you teach your nervous system that it can handle a difficult feeling and come back to a place of safety.
Grounding with Your Senses: The 5-4-3-2-1 technique is a simple but powerful grounding exercise. When you feel overwhelmed, name:
5 things you can see. (e.g., a pen, a cup, a crack in the wall)
4 things you can feel. (e.g., your shirt on your arms, the chair beneath you, the temperature of the air)
3 things you can hear. (e.g., a clock ticking, your own breathing, a car outside)
2 things you can smell. (e.g., coffee, a plant, a scented candle)
1 thing you can taste. (e.g., the last thing you ate or drank) This technique pulls your attention from the swirling chaos in your mind and anchors you to the safety of the present moment.
Take a chance on yourself and lean into your ability to recover.
Key Takeaways
Your Fear of Yourself is a Trauma Response: The feeling of being afraid of your own emotions and reactions is a normal, albeit painful, protective mechanism developed after trauma.
Avoidance is a Short-Term Fix with Long-Term Consequences: While avoiding emotional pain may feel safe, it ultimately leads to emotional numbness, disconnection, and a deeper sense of powerlessness.
Emotions Are Information, Not Threats: Emotions, even the difficult ones like anger and sadness, are natural parts of being human. Learning to feel them in a safe way is key to healing.
Your Brain Can Heal: The brain's incredible ability of neuroplasticity means you can build new, healthier neural pathways to regulate your emotions and process traumatic memories.
You Can Reconnect with Yourself: Simple, consistent practices like grounding, naming your emotions, and mindful awareness can help you rebuild trust in yourself and develop a healthier relationship with your inner world.
Are you ready to address your trauma, your irritability, your bad sleep, and your low motivation?
If you live in CO, CA, or VA, schedule an intake call with me today to explore therapy on your way to self-acceptance.
Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation.
