The Unexpected Places Grief Hides: Not Always Just Sadness
We often think of grief as a feeling, like deep sadness after a loss.
We imagine tears, wanting to be alone, and a heavy heart. And that's certainly part of grief.
And, it can be helpful to think of grief more as a process that helps us navigate the intense emotions and changes that come with loss. It's not just a feeling, but the way our minds and bodies work through a difficult time.
As someone who supports people through loss (bereavement), I see the usual sadness, tears, and deep missing.
But I also know that this process of grief looks different for everyone. It can show up in unexpected ways, especially when we consider all the kinds of losses we experience.
Recognizing these less obvious signs can be a step towards feeling a bit better.
The Grief Capsule
Let's talk a little more about this idea of grief as a capsule, almost like a really natural and even lovely part of us that steps in to help when things get incredibly tough.
Instead of seeing grief as something to fight against, maybe we can think of it as a friend, a part that understands the weight of what we're carrying.
Imagine this capsule gently surrounding all the intense and overwhelming feelings that come with loss.
It's not there to make the pain disappear instantly, but rather to hold it for us, in a way that allows us to process it gradually, at our own pace.
Think of it as a safe container for all the sadness, the confusion, the anger, and the love that has nowhere else to go.
This grief capsule is incredibly wise. It knows the intensity, so it helps to support us as we move through the feelings.
The unexpected ways grief shows up – the irritability, the fatigue, the changes in appetite – these can be seen as different functions of this capsule, helping us to navigate the various aspects of our loss.
It's like our inner system instinctively knows what we need, even if it doesn't always feel comfortable or make perfect sense in the moment.
So, instead of viewing grief as an enemy trying to make us miserable, perhaps we can try to see it as this natural and inherent part of us that's actually trying to help.
It's a testament to our capacity to love and to feel deeply.
When we approach our grief with a bit more understanding and acceptance, almost like we would a friend going through a hard time, it can make the journey feel a little less like a battle and a little more like a process of gentle healing.
This capsule of grief is a reminder that we are strong enough to carry this weight, and that it's okay to need this support from within ourselves.
The Different Experiences of Grief
Let's now look at some of the surprising ways grief can manifest.
That Irritability? It Could Be Part of the Grief Process: When you lose someone close (bereavement), sadness is expected. But have you noticed feeling more irritable lately? Snapping at people, getting frustrated easily? That underlying anger can actually be part of how your grief is processing.
It's like the intense pain needs an outlet, and sometimes it comes out as annoyance.
This can be especially true for neurodivergent individuals (autistic grief), where sensitivities can make the grieving process feel even more intense.
Feeling Drained? Deep Fatigue Can Also Be Part of Grief: Whether you're dealing with the pain of losing someone special or navigating grief as someone who's neurodivergent (autistic grief), feeling completely exhausted can be a surprise.
This isn't just normal tiredness. It's a deep, bone-tired feeling that makes everyday tasks seem difficult.
Grief takes a lot of energy, and this exhaustion is often your body showing that it's working hard to process the loss.
Changes in Your Appetite? Existential Grief Can Affect This: When the world feels really difficult or unfair (existential grief), it can even change your eating habits. You might find you're not interested in food, or maybe you're eating more for comfort.
These changes can be quiet signs that you're carrying a deeper sadness about the world than you might realize, a sadness about our place in it.
Trouble Focusing When You Feel Disconnected: When you feel cut off from people you care about or your community (loss of belonging), it can create a strong sense of grief. And that kind of pain can make it hard to concentrate.
Your thoughts might feel scattered, or you just can't seem to focus on anything. It takes a lot of mental energy to deal with that feeling of being disconnected.
Random Aches and Pains? Trauma Can Manifest Physically: If you've been through something really traumatic, like losing someone to suicide (traumatic loss) or witnessing something awful, grief can even show up as physical aches and pains.
Headaches, stomach issues, feeling tense all over – your body remembers trauma, and grief can have physical effects.
Sleepless Nights After Betrayal? Grief Can Disrupt Sleep: When a relationship ends through infidelity or broken trust (betrayal trauma), the grief can be very intense. It often affects your sleep – trouble falling asleep, waking up a lot, or having bad dreams.
When you've been deeply hurt, it can make you feel unsafe, and that can definitely keep you awake.
Complicated Grief Can Feel Very Isolating: If you're grieving a loss that feels really complicated, maybe you lost someone to addiction (complicated grief) or you're watching a loved one's memory fade, you might just want to withdraw from others.
It can be hard to explain what you're going through, and sometimes being alone feels like the only safe place.
Hypervigilance? Anticipatory Grief Can Cause Worry: If you know someone you love is facing a terminal illness or a big life change (anticipatory grief), your mind might constantly be on what's going to happen.
You might spend a lot of time worrying about the future, and that can make it hard to be present in the moments you have now.
Perinatal Loss is Heartbreaking: Losing a baby during pregnancy or shortly after (perinatal loss) is a very painful experience that comes with a specific kind of grief.
You might find your emotions feel very close to the surface, and you might get tearful or overwhelmed more easily than usual.
Feeling Off? Pet Loss is Real Grief: Even losing a beloved pet (pet loss) can bring unexpected feelings.
You might feel restless, like something's missing in your routine, even before you fully connect it to the absence of your pet.
That love was real, and so is the grief.
It's okay to grieve in unexpected ways – you're not alone.
What I've learned from supporting many people is that grief is very personal. It doesn't always fit neatly into a box. If you're noticing some of these surprising things happening, please be kind to yourself.
It could be a sign that you're processing some grief that needs to be acknowledged with compassion and care.
